the past few days have just been work, sleep, and gym. i've been so good about getting enough sleep, i've gone to bed at 6:30 two nights in a row, i feel so rested. though my resentment of work grows as i feel it is all my life is centered around. i am forcing myself this month to only work four days a week so i can claw back some spirit, time, and energy. i'll have to be a little more careful with money, but that will be easier once the cut starts. i'll be eating much less, and there will be little to no eating out.

evie and molly invited me to go out last night to karaoke then to go see spiral xp at cha cha lounge. i was going to until spiral xp cancelled and i realized it's labor day weekend so the bars were going to be a mad house. i stayed home. i just didn't have it in me to be out. once i was home i tried to rally myself to go get chicken for dinner but i just couldn't rouse myself. i felt leaden and dead. thoroughly weary, dazed from the recent days. what i wouldn't give to be able to not work, or have a job that took nothing from me. i am filled with so much anger that i have to toil meaninglessly in order to scrape by, all so dominant heirarchy can persist. i've been really feeling the painful feelings of confronting the nonsense of what we've built. the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the grief, the sadness. and i know i have it easy all things considered. i have to maintain some gratitude if i am to maintain healthy perspective. i've just been feeling so ground down by it all. i wish i could just burst into dust under the force of the gears, but i have to turn in my place. resist in small ways if i am afforded or if i afford myself. it's all so crushing.

the city has been a live wire all weekend. too many lunatics to deal with and i just can't be bothered. i feel so sorry for so many people in crisis but what can i do? i just have to watch them suffer and lash out as i do my best to avoid their cross hairs. so much of me wishes i could alleviate their clear alienation and pain, but i've got to get to work, i've got to pay my rent, i've got to go grocery shopping. my margins are so thin as is. and it really feels like they are just a cautionary tale left out for me to fear.

we need more luigis. i find myself lately daydreaming of a different world, but i know it's just a secular version of millenialism. it's utopian dreaming, and it's a form of escapism. i just feel so crushed and hopeless lately and i'm running on hysterical levity to get through my days. hysterical levity like hysterical strength. i just want to be less crushed.

well, time for work. bleak bleak bleak.

hopefully i can find some small joys today.

i've almost maxed out the calf raise machine!!! i did 10x5 at 290 and it only goes up to 305! i'm on the last plate that's crazy. i can go on tip toes under soooo much weight what an achievement! i also did 5x8 @270 on hip thrusts so that's cool. six whole plates! strong legs.

yesterday at work was misery, i pulled my classic shut down. i feel a little bad how often that's been happening. oh well, it's better that than lashing out. i don't really care anymore. work is work and i will do my best to leave as little of myself there anymore.

my face has been really bothering me lately, i feel like this summer has just been constant breakouts. i have no clue what is contributing. i switched face cleaners, i started washing my face at the end of showering then running it under cold water before i get out, and i've been religiously using pimple patches to conquer the worst offenders. i just realized though what i know the biggest contributor is: i've taken to anxiously touching and messing with my face. and the more i think about it, i really think that's the big offender. maybe i can talk to mira about how to stop myself. i need to stop touching my face period, no exceptions. i'll figure something out.

a thought i had today while wandering around after the gym: i think i avoid eye contact because of the responsibility of my gaze. if i make eye contact with someone and there registers mutual recognition there is a responsibility of interaction. also, my gaze holds weight and is politicized. my gaze is registered by others and motivation is infered, just like i do to others, just like everyone does to everyone else. and that worries me. i'm not sure but i suspect that over years of timidity i have taught myself to avert my gaze from any obvious direction so as to cut the problem off at the pass. if i am never directing my gaze in any intentional way it can never get me in trouble. but now i am more sure of how to direct my gaze but i don't know how to do so. i think that's why sunglasses make me feel so powerful. it's gaze made anonymous. my eyes can rest anywhere free from worry. isn't that a touch cowardly though? does it really matter this much?

i helped abby out last night at the frame shop with framing, wrapping, and making art tags. we had a really good time and i feel better now that i have contributed. now seeing a majority of the pieces printed and framed i think it's going to be a sick as fuck art show. after i get some chores done i have to update the swamp wife site and add a page that's a gallery preview/invite. i might go over to abby's to hang out and do it at her place.

i got the gallery invite/preview done. i ended up using the blog template and switching the font for a sailor moon font. i think it turned out pretty cool. and no one will really ever know how simple it was lol. i did spend a good twenty minutes though trying to get the H1 to be centered and it just wasn't fucking working. oh well c'est bien.

i played bass and guitar for an acceptable time yesterday. i'm really looking forward to this three day weekend. i really hope i can make at least one killer demo. i have so many ideas that have been pinging around forever. i'm stoked to throw them all at the wall and see what sticks. that does mean i have to lug all my gear up the hill after practice tonight but that's okay. it's good exercise.

still haven't hit 195. i'm hovering right around 194, which is fine i just love a round number. i have one more day (sunday) to hit 195 and if i don't it's cut time either way. today was 193.9.

i was looking through my medical records just barely to see where i should aim for weight-wise with the cut. i didn't realize that i was down to 172 in january that's crazy. i might get aggressive with it and shoot for under 170. come to think of it, i think that is my goal. why not? if i can get under 170 and keep it there for two weeks i'll be over the moon. i really think it's doable. i'm going to have to make a meal plan though, barf. that's always been my least favorite.

one more day of work before three days of freedom. i can do this. and it's a weekday after a holiday weekend, i'm begging it to be dead. i get to meet the other new guy today. hopefully he's cool. i feel a little bad i was such a dead eyed bummer on monday which was my introduction to myles. whoops, going to have to redeem that first impression. to be fair they didn't really leave much of an impression at all, so who knows. maybe i don't have as much to redeem as i may think. going to try to avoid julie again today if i can. i'm not sure i am up to having a conversation with her yet. at least i don't trust myself to be honest in a way that isn't potentially hurtful. shouldn't be too hard.

nothing else on my mind really. sort of a head empty morning. oh, finding cool bands to fill lola and i's birthday bill is becoming increasingly difficult. ghost fetish, old man of the woods, coral grief, and glass egg are all unavaiilable. we'll find someone. hopefully. dear god i hope.

update on the birthday show: lisa prank might hop on which would be huge. apparently her and abby know each other. that'd be fucking sick.

trying to decide today if i want to buy a pair of shoes or if i should be good and not spend money. i'm so torn. this check was huge though, and this past two weeks my spending was fairly in check. the only problem is that my insurance categorized the nipple tattooing as surgical, so instead of a $10 copay i have to pay 10% of the services which amounts to $340. i can do that, i just wasn't expecting it. and i'm annoyed because it seemingly came out of nowhere. i just emailed him to ask though if i could pay half now half next month. is that irresponsible? yes. would megen be disappointed in my lapse of financial judgement? absolutely. do i really want a pair of doc marten oxfords? um, yes. i guess i'll hinge my choice on if i can pay half now half later.

emma couldn't make practice last night, then lola dropped out too, so abby and i hung out for a little while and worked on a song she has. i wrote a pretty good bass line for the two parts. we couldn't really record it super well but that's okay, i got a video of it. colton texted me while we were doing that asking to hang out. i ended up heading to the eagle with him and playing pool for a while there. it was a good evening.

now i've got to run down to the practice space and pick up my pedalboard, which i would have done last night if we had actually practiced, but i have to do now. oh well. then it's hair cut time, then i've got to do laundry, then abby and i are going to pioneer square art walk to check out exhibits, hand out flyers for our art show, and catch stoneyard and black ends play baba yaga. it's going to be a fun night.

but the real question: should i go to doc marten after my hair cut????? i texted mom to ask what she thinks and i might call charlie lol.

not much time to write, so much to update, maybe i should just catch up later after work? i think i'm going to do that.

it was a lovely three days off, i really needed it. bad. i got a lot done and rested, though maybe not as much as i could have more on that later. but i wrote two new songs!! they're not complete yet, but the bones are laid and i think they really have legs. i'm elatedly looking forward to nurturing them.

anyways, time for work. hosting today and i'm not stoked because my chin is covered in rug burn from making out with someone with stubble (again more on that later) and it looks... like something i guess. whatever, who cares. it'll heal and it's just a day. and tomorrow probably. who knows how many days it'll take.

anyways, be back later!

so big things: i ended up getting the shoes lol. they're very cute, i found some with white stitching as opposed to white and i am very excited to get some mileage out of them this fall/winter. i wore them out thursday and friday night to work on breaking them in. it wasn't the worst as far as new doc martens go, but by the end of being out friday i wanted to chop my feet off. one day they will be comfortable. until that day doubling up on socks.

wednesday was very busy. shoe shopping, running to the practice space, haircut, doing laundry, all before 6 pm! after that i joined abby in going to pioneer square art walk. we had a great time and saw some cool stuff. so many hotties were out, i'm absolutely going to go next month. finally saw baba yaga, it's a ripper venue!! i'm really hoping the die spitz show comes through i want to play there.

thursday i slept in, went to analog and read for a while. then came home and spent 6 hours working on music. ended up writing something cool that sounds very goth dance circa late 80's. it's a fun one. mark ended up asking me if i was up to anything and i invited him to drag race. went to jerry and ian's, then hit cc's and pony after. i may or may not have invited him back after and may or may not have slept with him. it went fine. much better than the first time. the human contact was nice and i've never slept with a friend like that, it was an interesting experience. he gave me horrific rug burn on my chin from his stubble and also a fucking hickey!!! so annoying!! oh well it'll heal. whatever. i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about it.

saturday woke up feeling weird and hungover so i got chicken strips at 11 am as soon as bok a bok opened. then it was time to get back to cracking at demos. ended up writing another one that i like!!! i spent more time today after work tinkering with it. this one is very early beach house (i was inspired by the chord progressions in dark spring). ended up staying up a bit later than i should have saturday night. got a burrito to celebrate the end of the bulk before the cut (mistake, it made me slightly ill).

today passed without incident. and that was my long weekend. productive and packed. i feel a lot better, especially after writing two new songs. or at least the seedlings of new songs.

even though i slept well last night i woke up with a thin reserve of will this morning. i'm not sure what brought it on. the gym was difficult to bear. leg day is the worst day to coincide with these sorts of mornings. i found it quite difficult to really push myself. that's okay. i still increased the weight on most things, even if on the last three lifts i only did sets of three instead of five. that's not nothing i guess. they can't all be good days.

mira had to cancel our appointment tonight. apparently she just got out of the hospital. i hope she's okay, that's concerning. silver lining to having no therapy though: i save $90 and i'm able to help abby with the art show. hopefully we have practice tonight too. i meant to help last night but i got so caught up in working on the 9/6/25 demo that i didn't realize it was already 6:30 and i had to be in bed soon. oh well. i made some progress on the demo. i still can't get the chorus quite right. it's not catchy enough. though i think i do have an idea for a bridge maybe. we'll see. the right riffs will come to me, i just have to be ready waiting to welcome them.

trying to think of what to wear today given i still have an unsightly hickey on my neck. i feel like i want to not even try to hide it. to just wear it openly and proudly. after all, what do i have to be ashamed about? as evie would say: it's freaker fall. and i am living up to the season. i think i may even wear an undone button up so as to not even cover it at all, to accentuate it even. that feels brazen in a way i want to embody.

today is going to be a very long day. i may skip the gym tomorrow morning. i'm probably not going to be able to get a nap in... unless i don't tell anyone about therapy cancelling and use thos two hours to nap. i might just do that. how is it that when i sleep 8 hours is when i'm always the most tired???