the past few days have just been work, sleep, and gym. i've been so good about getting enough sleep, i've gone to bed at 6:30 two nights in a row, i feel so rested. though my resentment of work grows as i feel it is all my life is centered around. i am forcing myself this month to only work four days a week so i can claw back some spirit, time, and energy. i'll have to be a little more careful with money, but that will be easier once the cut starts. i'll be eating much less, and there will be little to no eating out.

evie and molly invited me to go out last night to karaoke then to go see spiral xp at cha cha lounge. i was going to until spiral xp cancelled and i realized it's labor day weekend so the bars were going to be a mad house. i stayed home. i just didn't have it in me to be out. once i was home i tried to rally myself to go get chicken for dinner but i just couldn't rouse myself. i felt leaden and dead. thoroughly weary, dazed from the recent days. what i wouldn't give to be able to not work, or have a job that took nothing from me. i am filled with so much anger that i have to toil meaninglessly in order to scrape by, all so dominant heirarchy can persist. i've been really feeling the painful feelings of confronting the nonsense of what we've built. the hurt, the anger, the frustration, the grief, the sadness. and i know i have it easy all things considered. i have to maintain some gratitude if i am to maintain healthy perspective. i've just been feeling so ground down by it all. i wish i could just burst into dust under the force of the gears, but i have to turn in my place. resist in small ways if i am afforded or if i afford myself. it's all so crushing.

the city has been a live wire all weekend. too many lunatics to deal with and i just can't be bothered. i feel so sorry for so many people in crisis but what can i do? i just have to watch them suffer and lash out as i do my best to avoid their cross hairs. so much of me wishes i could alleviate their clear alienation and pain, but i've got to get to work, i've got to pay my rent, i've got to go grocery shopping. my margins are so thin as is. and it really feels like they are just a cautionary tale left out for me to fear.

we need more luigis. i find myself lately daydreaming of a different world, but i know it's just a secular version of millenialism. it's utopian dreaming, and it's a form of escapism. i just feel so crushed and hopeless lately and i'm running on hysterical levity to get through my days. hysterical levity like hysterical strength. i just want to be less crushed.

well, time for work. bleak bleak bleak.

hopefully i can find some small joys today.

i've almost maxed out the calf raise machine!!! i did 10x5 at 290 and it only goes up to 305! i'm on the last plate that's crazy. i can go on tip toes under soooo much weight what an achievement! i also did 5x8 @270 on hip thrusts so that's cool. six whole plates! strong legs.

yesterday at work was misery, i pulled my classic shut down. i feel a little bad how often that's been happening. oh well, it's better that than lashing out. i don't really care anymore. work is work and i will do my best to leave as little of myself there anymore.

my face has been really bothering me lately, i feel like this summer has just been constant breakouts. i have no clue what is contributing. i switched face cleaners, i started washing my face at the end of showering then running it under cold water before i get out, and i've been religiously using pimple patches to conquer the worst offenders. i just realized though what i know the biggest contributor is: i've taken to anxiously touching and messing with my face. and the more i think about it, i really think that's the big offender. maybe i can talk to mira about how to stop myself. i need to stop touching my face period, no exceptions. i'll figure something out.

a thought i had today while wandering around after the gym: i think i avoid eye contact because of the responsibility of my gaze. if i make eye contact with someone and there registers mutual recognition there is a responsibility of interaction. also, my gaze holds weight and is politicized. my gaze is registered by others and motivation is infered, just like i do to others, just like everyone does to everyone else. and that worries me. i'm not sure but i suspect that over years of timidity i have taught myself to avert my gaze from any obvious direction so as to cut the problem off at the pass. if i am never directing my gaze in any intentional way it can never get me in trouble. but now i am more sure of how to direct my gaze but i don't know how to do so. i think that's why sunglasses make me feel so powerful. it's gaze made anonymous. my eyes can rest anywhere free from worry. isn't that a touch cowardly though? does it really matter this much?

i helped abby out last night at the frame shop with framing, wrapping, and making art tags. we had a really good time and i feel better now that i have contributed. now seeing a majority of the pieces printed and framed i think it's going to be a sick as fuck art show. after i get some chores done i have to update the swamp wife site and add a page that's a gallery preview/invite. i might go over to abby's to hang out and do it at her place.

i got the gallery invite/preview done. i ended up using the blog template and switching the font for a sailor moon font. i think it turned out pretty cool. and no one will really ever know how simple it was lol. i did spend a good twenty minutes though trying to get the H1 to be centered and it just wasn't fucking working. oh well c'est bien.

i played bass and guitar for an acceptable time yesterday. i'm really looking forward to this three day weekend. i really hope i can make at least one killer demo. i have so many ideas that have been pinging around forever. i'm stoked to throw them all at the wall and see what sticks. that does mean i have to lug all my gear up the hill after practice tonight but that's okay. it's good exercise.

still haven't hit 195. i'm hovering right around 194, which is fine i just love a round number. i have one more day (sunday) to hit 195 and if i don't it's cut time either way. today was 193.9.

i was looking through my medical records just barely to see where i should aim for weight-wise with the cut. i didn't realize that i was down to 172 in january that's crazy. i might get aggressive with it and shoot for under 170. come to think of it, i think that is my goal. why not? if i can get under 170 and keep it there for two weeks i'll be over the moon. i really think it's doable. i'm going to have to make a meal plan though, barf. that's always been my least favorite.

one more day of work before three days of freedom. i can do this. and it's a weekday after a holiday weekend, i'm begging it to be dead. i get to meet the other new guy today. hopefully he's cool. i feel a little bad i was such a dead eyed bummer on monday which was my introduction to myles. whoops, going to have to redeem that first impression. to be fair they didn't really leave much of an impression at all, so who knows. maybe i don't have as much to redeem as i may think. going to try to avoid julie again today if i can. i'm not sure i am up to having a conversation with her yet. at least i don't trust myself to be honest in a way that isn't potentially hurtful. shouldn't be too hard.

nothing else on my mind really. sort of a head empty morning. oh, finding cool bands to fill lola and i's birthday bill is becoming increasingly difficult. ghost fetish, old man of the woods, coral grief, and glass egg are all unavaiilable. we'll find someone. hopefully. dear god i hope.

update on the birthday show: lisa prank might hop on which would be huge. apparently her and abby know each other. that'd be fucking sick.

trying to decide today if i want to buy a pair of shoes or if i should be good and not spend money. i'm so torn. this check was huge though, and this past two weeks my spending was fairly in check. the only problem is that my insurance categorized the nipple tattooing as surgical, so instead of a $10 copay i have to pay 10% of the services which amounts to $340. i can do that, i just wasn't expecting it. and i'm annoyed because it seemingly came out of nowhere. i just emailed him to ask though if i could pay half now half next month. is that irresponsible? yes. would megen be disappointed in my lapse of financial judgement? absolutely. do i really want a pair of doc marten oxfords? um, yes. i guess i'll hinge my choice on if i can pay half now half later.

emma couldn't make practice last night, then lola dropped out too, so abby and i hung out for a little while and worked on a song she has. i wrote a pretty good bass line for the two parts. we couldn't really record it super well but that's okay, i got a video of it. colton texted me while we were doing that asking to hang out. i ended up heading to the eagle with him and playing pool for a while there. it was a good evening.

now i've got to run down to the practice space and pick up my pedalboard, which i would have done last night if we had actually practiced, but i have to do now. oh well. then it's hair cut time, then i've got to do laundry, then abby and i are going to pioneer square art walk to check out exhibits, hand out flyers for our art show, and catch stoneyard and black ends play baba yaga. it's going to be a fun night.

but the real question: should i go to doc marten after my hair cut????? i texted mom to ask what she thinks and i might call charlie lol.

not much time to write, so much to update, maybe i should just catch up later after work? i think i'm going to do that.

it was a lovely three days off, i really needed it. bad. i got a lot done and rested, though maybe not as much as i could have more on that later. but i wrote two new songs!! they're not complete yet, but the bones are laid and i think they really have legs. i'm elatedly looking forward to nurturing them.

anyways, time for work. hosting today and i'm not stoked because my chin is covered in rug burn from making out with someone with stubble (again more on that later) and it looks... like something i guess. whatever, who cares. it'll heal and it's just a day. and tomorrow probably. who knows how many days it'll take.

anyways, be back later!

so big things: i ended up getting the shoes lol. they're very cute, i found some with white stitching as opposed to white and i am very excited to get some mileage out of them this fall/winter. i wore them out thursday and friday night to work on breaking them in. it wasn't the worst as far as new doc martens go, but by the end of being out friday i wanted to chop my feet off. one day they will be comfortable. until that day doubling up on socks.

wednesday was very busy. shoe shopping, running to the practice space, haircut, doing laundry, all before 6 pm! after that i joined abby in going to pioneer square art walk. we had a great time and saw some cool stuff. so many hotties were out, i'm absolutely going to go next month. finally saw baba yaga, it's a ripper venue!! i'm really hoping the die spitz show comes through i want to play there.

thursday i slept in, went to analog and read for a while. then came home and spent 6 hours working on music. ended up writing something cool that sounds very goth dance circa late 80's. it's a fun one. mark ended up asking me if i was up to anything and i invited him to drag race. went to jerry and ian's, then hit cc's and pony after. i may or may not have invited him back after and may or may not have slept with him. it went fine. much better than the first time. the human contact was nice and i've never slept with a friend like that, it was an interesting experience. he gave me horrific rug burn on my chin from his stubble and also a fucking hickey!!! so annoying!! oh well it'll heal. whatever. i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about it.

saturday woke up feeling weird and hungover so i got chicken strips at 11 am as soon as bok a bok opened. then it was time to get back to cracking at demos. ended up writing another one that i like!!! i spent more time today after work tinkering with it. this one is very early beach house (i was inspired by the chord progressions in dark spring). ended up staying up a bit later than i should have saturday night. got a burrito to celebrate the end of the bulk before the cut (mistake, it made me slightly ill).

today passed without incident. and that was my long weekend. productive and packed. i feel a lot better, especially after writing two new songs. or at least the seedlings of new songs.

even though i slept well last night i woke up with a thin reserve of will this morning. i'm not sure what brought it on. the gym was difficult to bear. leg day is the worst day to coincide with these sorts of mornings. i found it quite difficult to really push myself. that's okay. i still increased the weight on most things, even if on the last three lifts i only did sets of three instead of five. that's not nothing i guess. they can't all be good days.

mira had to cancel our appointment tonight. apparently she just got out of the hospital. i hope she's okay, that's concerning. silver lining to having no therapy though: i save $90 and i'm able to help abby with the art show. hopefully we have practice tonight too. i meant to help last night but i got so caught up in working on the 9/6/25 demo that i didn't realize it was already 6:30 and i had to be in bed soon. oh well. i made some progress on the demo. i still can't get the chorus quite right. it's not catchy enough. though i think i do have an idea for a bridge maybe. we'll see. the right riffs will come to me, i just have to be ready waiting to welcome them.

trying to think of what to wear today given i still have an unsightly hickey on my neck. i feel like i want to not even try to hide it. to just wear it openly and proudly. after all, what do i have to be ashamed about? as evie would say: it's freaker fall. and i am living up to the season. i think i may even wear an undone button up so as to not even cover it at all, to accentuate it even. that feels brazen in a way i want to embody.

today is going to be a very long day. i may skip the gym tomorrow morning. i'm probably not going to be able to get a nap in... unless i don't tell anyone about therapy cancelling and use those two hours to nap. i might just do that. how is it that when i sleep 8 hours is when i'm always the most tired???

girl the drama. and i fear i was only accelerant to the spread. it was unintentional, but i guess i played part in a bucket brigade game of telephone.

work ended up being kind of a shit show yesterday. it was all sunshine and roses until around 11:30 fifty things went wrong at once and everyone looked at me to know what was going on as i had just gotten triple seated and i kind of lost it and just abdicated any responsiblity. i had shit to do. it didn't help steve was being annoying about food being in the window. though both julie and steve told me they recognized that i was the one holding everything together so that was nice i guess.

anyways the drama. jess out of nowhere yesterday asks me how the band is going. i say it's fine, but she says "oh i thought there was some drama going on?" to which i tell her it seems she knows more than i do. apparently evie was complaining that we were using her work in the art show without giving her credit. now i'm not sure exactly what was said, but i was very bewildered. according to jess, evie was upset that stills from the cadmium video which she filmed part of were being used in the art show. i explained to jess the whole thing about evie being under direction during filming from abby, and how abby then was the one to digitize, edit, glitch, and photo shop the images. in my opinion transforming them into pieces i would think belong to abby. also i explained that evie is going to have a credit in the special thanks for the show printed at the show. i do think it can be complicated, given evie was doing the camera work, but i do also believe that the amount of work abby put in to create the images in the show (there are five that use footage evie shot, three of which are overlaid with other images using the analog video processor) is transformative.

anyways i took a nap after work, then met abby at the shop where she was stressing about crediting evie because apparently emma had mentioned it. i brought up i had heard what i heard from jess, which only fueled abby's anxiety and worry. she's already under so much stress it just pushed her to her limit. we talked it out as i helped her with some things at the shop then we headed to practice. half of practice ended up being the band talking about the situation and what to do. i ended up after practice helping abby draft an email to evie.

i worry i now need to have a conversation with evie about the whole thing and it's all so messy now. i don't think i handled it the exact right way, but i'm also a little hurt to hear it second hand through jess. because apparently evie also mentioned that we haven't paid her for other things and i thought i was tight enough with evie where she would feel comfortable to just bring it up directly to me. i get that money and compensation can be an awkward conversation, but i would think friendship would make it easier and i wouldn't have to hear about it second hand. i need to talk to jess today to confirm what was said so that i'm not misconstruing or reading in bad faith. conversations i don't really wish to have, but i fear are necessary.

work again today then maybe helping with the art show installation. depending on if they are still working on it by the time i'm off. i'm absolutely going to crash hard tonight, since i was up until 11 after band practice ran late and i had to help abby write out that email. going to be a sleepy day. i pray work is slow.

happy 9/11! what a storied two days it's been. i've got 20 minutes before i have to start getting ready, let's see if i can hit everything.

work tuesday went okay. found out keith is being fired. which, honestly figures. feel bad for the guy but also, stop doing whippets at work, you're almost forty. it's cringe. still, i'll miss him.

after work tuesday took a short nap, then ended up talking to evie to try to smooth the whole abby/evie situation over. she apologized and said she recognizes she should have talked to abby. now she knows to never tell jess anything that she isn't okay with everyone in the world knowing. it seems to have started after abby struggled to direct evie when she was doing camera for the cadmium music video. which i understand, but also evie sort of did do a poor job on that even if abby wasn't the greatest in the moment. i'm not sure evie realized how much stress abby had taken on in directing that video. evie seems to be mostly over it. abby on the other hand...

was furious that it mostly stemmed from the way she talked to evie during the video shoot. which i can understand. i think abby takes on so much stress and work for herself then has a hard time when other people aren't capable of or won't take on as much as she is willing to take on. though i talked to her on the way home from practice last night and it seems like she's softened her tune. i hope they reconcile.

tuesday night after talking to evie i hung out with abby for a few hours and helped edit art tags and format signage for the show. i was happy to help and abby seemed really grateful. glad i could do something.

yesterday i didn't set an alarm and slept until 10. bliss. i then took my time rolling out of bed only to stroll down to analog to read for a few hours. finished the male gazed and started rereading the thief's journal. i love genet. got home and checked my phone to see a million messages. turns out charlie kirk got assassinated on uvu campus!!! gave me some home town pride, that guy was a real villain. poor nygel was on campus when it happened though and now her car is stuck there until monday. luckily she made it home safe. channing was at an appointment luckily, so she didn't really have to deal with it. after making sure they were safe it was a fun few hours with all the memes and texting friends. is it bad to revel in a violent death? maybe. when it's a political ghoul who died due to the consequences of the shitty policies he espoused, i think it's fine. i'm not going to mourn someone who advocates for fascistic policies and views.

anyways, band practice went okay. we just rant the set to take it easy on emma. we did talk about doing a cabin writing retreat in february and it seems like everyone is really excited about it. i'm going to really push for it because i think it will do us so much good to spend a whole week devoted to team building and songwriting.

work today then the art show tonight. we're vinyl djing it, and honestly i think for my turn i'm just going to play the under the skin score and maybe a beach house song or two. who knows. i am running off of two hours of sleep. i couldn't fall asleep for the life of me last night. i just tossed and turned and went through two full episodes of last podcast on the left. what a nightmare. still got up to go to the gym.

i'm kind of worried the art show will be stressful. i have the sneaking suspicion abby is going to be a mess, but we'll see. she's really going through it and i wish there was more i could do. Lola and i ordered a cake for abby and emma since their birthdays are next week. we were texting last night about when would be a good time to bring it out and we couldn't decide. i hope the night isn't too tense.

art show was a roaring success! it got so busy, it was packed for three hours straight. so many strangers appreciating our art that hopefully means new listeners and fans. it was blindingly overwhelming at times though. having to have so many serious conversations with strangers about the art, i had to run and hide a few times. but that's okay. met a bunch of new people and all in all it was a really positive time. the reaction was so effusively positive i'm so grateful. we made $440 through merch alone and then sold i think 5 or 6 pieces? i was very happy to get home after it though, i slept so hard.

i found a music charity out of london this morning that provides a studio and equipment to people with learning disabliities and releases the music they make and it fucking rips. i've been listening all morning and i can't get enough. i donated £10 ($14) and i proposed to Lola maybe doing a benefit show for them and she suggested that we make our birthday show a benefit show which i'm really obsessed with the idea i think we're going to do it. we still have to figure out the lineup unfortunately. and with less than two months it's crunch time lol. whoops. that's sort of on me. i'll schedule send a text to Lola to follow up on asking semi-soft.

today i had planned to work on demos, but i'm so braindead that i don't think i have it in me. i think i'm just going to veg out until evie and i go to that hardcore show tonight. and that's okay. it's been a busy week and next week is going to be just as busy. with keith being fired i'm serving five days next week. the check will be fat but it will be an endurance test. oh well. at least i'm not hosting lol.

yeah, i'm going to veg out. i've earned it. also!! crazy news. went to the gym today and weighed in, 189 flat! i have to cherish and treasure the rapid progress of the beginning of a cut while it's steep so i don't lose steam later.

the hardcore show was fun. always great seeing denial of life, they fucking rip. also so many hotties at the hardcore gig as usual. had a good talk with evie on the way about the whole evie/abby thing, and they actually hung out after we got back from the show and seemingly resolved it. i haven't talked to either of them.

yesterday though was a weird day, and i am in a leftover funk under the dregs of it all. morning started out well enough, got up early to go to the gym, gym went well, then moseyed home. decided to take a nap and napped from 9-11. but woke up and felt a bit listless. everything i had planned sort of went out the window and i just bed rotted. that's okay though, i'm trying so hard not to beat myself up about it. i don't know if i'm succeeding. trying nontheless.

decided to go to analog to relax and read for a time. there was a drunk guy talking(yelling) to himself which wasn't too bad. easy to tune out. but then a regular from work tried to talk to me. and i didn't quite mean to but i ended up being a little rude. but honestly, dude i'm wearing headphones and have my nose buried in a book i really don't care to have a conversation. he led it with "three times in seven days i've run into you now! crazy, huh?" and i genuinely have not registered seeing him at any time in weeks, so i have no idea what he's talking about. i felt guilty about being rude for a while but i've let it go. who cares.

got street harrassed on the way home. i decided to take a long way home to finish the album i was listening to. some lady walked up to me and started grinding on me and not letting me walk past. i, confused, could only think to ask "why?" to which she responded "why not?". i finally got past her and told her to fuck off. it wasn't until a little while later that i realized it actually shook me up a bit. fucking annoying. can i just be left alone??

so that was the mood i took to the gig with me. was awkward and unfun with the touring bands during load in and sound check. we played our set and it went fine. but man, the second band piss blew my mind. their set brought me to tears. i bought a shirt and thanked them all effusively for their music. they're not releasing their full length until next june though! bummer.

i left the night feeling insecure about my own band and just down and out. i know it's just lack of rest and a weird listless few days, but i'm just feeling a bit pointless.

work today then dinner up in edmonds with diana. long day. oh well.

i have a harebrained idea: i realized i'm free every tuesday in october and i want to host vhs horror movie nights. the thought of 10-20 friends packed into my tiny apartment around my tiny ass tv seems so silly to me and i really want to do it. and it'll be great incentive to deep clean my apartment lol. and there's so many movies to choose from! the night strangler, dead alive, elvira, jacob's ladder, suspiria, fire in the sky, aliens, the addams family, plan 9 from outer space... and i can only choose four! i posted on my instagram story to see if people would be interested. i'll see how much of a response it gets.

i also finally made up my mind for my halloween costume this year! i'm finally going to do the saint inspired spin on the classic sheet ghost. i'm thinking i'll get a balaclava, attach two layers of a silky light-weight fabric to it, then adorn the mask with fringe and lace. then with some white claw gloves (either coming out of hidden slits in the sheets or attached) and my face painted a sickly grey i think it'll be perfect. i'll need to ask mom and megen crafting advice.

diana and everyone is sick with a cold so i ended up not going up to edmonds. it freed me up to be able to go to josiah's ice cream social which was delightful. he made home made ice cream! and it was delicious. we watched the old barbie movies from the 00's and kiki'd it was a really nice evening. i think i was there from like 5-7. a perfect hang. then most everyone went to revolver for emma's birthday but i didn't. i feel bad. i haven't even gotten her a gift, i have no idea what to get her. i'll get her something later once i know the right thing to get. i hope she didn't think too much of my not coming to drinks. i wanted to get home and to bed early since i wasn't expecting to be able to go to the gym this morning.

today is another very long day. work and practice. we have to move the gear somehow. then camila's birthday party is tonight and i'm not sure whether i'll be able to stop by before or after practice. who the fuck knows. i'll figure it out. probably means no gym tomorrow :( that's okay. i'll survive.

not much to update today. work was an absolute slog yesterday. it was just busy enough to have something to do but largely was so dull and boring. i think i may be in the beginning stages of coming down with something. i started to get a headache right around noon yesterday that persisted until i went to bed at 6 pm and half way through my workout this morning it came back and is persisting through an advil. what fun. i also just feel that weariness that comes with a bug. is it mental or microbial?

i was in such a dog shit mood yesterday that i hit the group chat seeing how they would feel about rain checking practice and just taking this week off. they were down thank god. i really had nothing at all to give after work yesterday. i ended up not going to camila's party either. i just feel so listless and disinterested. i really hope it's a bug and not a worsening mental state. then i have a scapegoat to blame for feeling this way that is easily resolvable. do i need rest or do i need to do more?

i was talking to jess yesterday and brought up the design kimber made with the man butt in wranglers framed in a heart and joked that i should get it over my heart. she thinks i should. and i might just. i'm worried it'll mess with the black and grey american traditional theme i've got going for my torso. who knows we'll see because i have loved that design for years. kimber is a genius.

anyways, work today then grocery shopping and that's it. it's supposed to get up to 85 today, a final scream of summer before autumn beats it into submission. i cannot wait for grey skies and 60 degree highs. but today i don my shorts and put on a brave face. i just hope i have the energy when i get home to pick up the bass or guitar or maybe do some writing.

good bye weekend, you were okay. well yesterday was fun. what did i even get up to wednesday?

gym, oh then catching up with rowan. that's right. it was such a blast from the past to see them. they're happily married to savannah which is so darling. they seem to be doing pretty well and i'm really happy for them. we caught each other up on the past five years. (and also commiserated about rosa which was very cathartic). hung out in roosevelt and talked for a few hours, it was really nice.

leah, alex, and juliet had to cancel dinner because they're sick, and rescheduled it to next wednesday. i don't know how i'm going to make that work with band practice. i might just have to go hang out before then dip right at 6:30 to get to band practice. i'll figure it out. i should probably let leah know now.

anyways, wednesday night i meant to go to the bath house, but just didn't end up making it. ended up sitting in the park and reading. i just started woman hating by andrea dworkin and it reads so quick for theory. she is such a spirited writer it goes so fast. i'm already almost half way through.

yesterday was tattoo day. hung out with jess and kimber in the morning, then got tattooed for around two to three hours. i wasn't really keeping track. i got the cherub tramp stamp and then a heart with a butt in wranglers inside. sweet kimber only charged me $200 for both. i paid her $450, which honestly still feels like undervaluing. the tattoos were so easy though. i was numb as hell the whole time it was bliss.

jess has a beautiful house by the way. and her and jt are really making it a home. all the way in auburn though, and it is a long drive. it's about 30 minutes no traffic. crazy. but hey, they own a home now.

today is work then abby's birthday party. i think i'm going to go early and dip early so i can hit the gym tomorrow morning. i skipped this morning jsut because i got home sort of late last night and i feel pretty tuckered from the hours of tattooing yesterday.

hey did you know that healing a tramp stamp is really cumbersome and annoying? who'd have thought. oh well, it's only for a few more days. i can survive it. this morning i decided to take off the saniderm and reapply it. necessary but very troublesome. ended up using probably more than i needed to, but you try applying a big sticker to your lower back, it's not terribly simple.

i've eaten terribly the past few days and my guts are rioting. abby's birthday was last night and there was a cheeseboard and i couldn't help myself. and then jess's housewarming is tonight i have to be sooooo careful. it's going to be a very very very long day.

i didn't get to bed last night until 10 and still stubbornly got up for the gym this morning. mistake? probably because i work, then immediately it's off to jess's housewarming party, then catching up with nate after. it's going to be a 20 hour day. at least tomorrow i have nothing to do but copious amounts of laundry, so i can set no alarm. i plan on crashing hard tonight after all that.

head empty because lack of sleep, so i might take a little 20 minute doze before having to get ready instead of writing more. god why didn't i go to be earlier?

two days to ponder, and i'm in a rather tepid funk. like moving through molasses. i think i just haven't had anything to move towards again lately. it's also been a weird few days, so i'm hoping it's only a passing mood.

saturday was a very very very long day. i was up for 21 hours. gym in the morning, then work, then housewarming, then getting stood up by nate. the housewarming was lovely if overwhelming. i ended up going with evie and molly and it was really fun to hang out with them. i'm going to dearly miss them both at glo's. even though i'm going to see them once or twice a week still, it won't be the same. that's okay, end of an era. we left fairly early because evie had to get to a show at 8:30 which was honestly perfect. after about 20 minutes i wanted to dip.

and i was fairly excited to get home because nate was going to come by and we were going to catch up. i'd been looking forward to it quite a bit, but he stood me up. how terribly annoying. i probably deserve it in some sense, but still what a drag. it left me in such an off mood yesterday that i didn't know what to do with the day. i meant to go to elliott bay and get a novel that i had heard about, but turns out that it's not yet been published in the US. it was raining, so i decided to just go home and do laundry. i am so easily thwarted when i'm in a mood. i did laundry successfully at least. and i met vern to pick up the thumbs up belt buckle. so elated to finally have it back. i have to shave down the bit she fixed it with so it'll fit in my belt, but i have it again thank god.

after that i still just felt so woefully limp i decided to start a show. i watched the entire first season of somebody, somewhere which was a pretty good choice. it's heartwarming, funny, and sincere. i really enjoyed it. i'm going to try to get around to seasons two and three over the next few weeks.

and now i find myself on the precipice of another absolutely packed day. and it's fine, i'll get through it like any other day. i just can't shake this limp listlessness that pervades my essence. that lingering whisper from the corners of the room that something is off, you just can't name it. i've been so frustrated and unfulfilled socially and romantically lately and i feel i just don't really have the time to address it. if i even knew a fix in the first place. i can feel the foundations of my self confidence begin to buckle. i think i may actually be ugly, and the bravado that sustained me the past two years has actually been delusion. the thought that keeps ricocheting through my head is, "it's just not going to happen for you, you've got to accept it. this is a part of being human, a part of your experience. deal with it". i feel like such a loser all the time. i try to counter that voice with pride and compassion, but i've been losing the battle. i don't want to be ugly, that just adds another hurdle to daily life. and all the while i'm having this dialogue a secondary dialogue undergirds it. a chorus of scorning voices rebuking my vanity and shallowness. it all seems so pointless and silly, but then why is it driving my mind all the time?

yesterday ended up being an okay day mercifully. gym went well, though i think i need to rework my chest day. i've been doing the same routine for a year now, time to shake things up. but how? i'm not sure. i'm going to have to research. work went well enough. there's a new person. she seems okay. i haven't quite gotten the read on her. she's older, from new york. seems cool but also with high square potentiality. we'll have to see.

after work i went grocery shopping. i didn't have a dry cleaning cd with me though. it's funny how habitual it's become to listen to dry cleaning to go grocery shopping. i'm desperate for their new album i'm chomping at the bit. instead i revisited doechii's alligator bites never heal. i forgot how perfect that album is. no skips. well except for boom bap.

took a short nap then it was band practice time. it was a weird and short band practice. abby is really burnt out on the band too it turns out. it doesn't help that this week is going to be far too much. really not excited that we did this to ourselves. but deep breaths, the week will be over soon enough.

went to camila's birthday party at mars. it was really lovely to catch up with everybody. rue is such a sweetheart. they gushingly told me they admire how constantly authentic to myself i am. i really adore them. they have a partner now! who moved in with them into their perfect apartment. i'm really happy for them. caught up with anna and tlaked again about writing together. i do think it's a good idea. i should reach out to her. i met a friend of camila's, ari, and talked with him for most of the night. i couldn't tell if he was straight or not but he was very cute and i drunkenly told camila on my way out to tell him i think he's cute and find out what his deal is. now i have an excuse, or rather extra incentive, to catch up with camila. i really love and adore her she's such a ball of energy she cracks me up. and her birthday party was popping! quite popular.

work today then the el corazon show. don is going to be there. maybe we'll finally get management. god i fucking hope. apparently he wants to see the art gallery to buy a piece for his office. lola and abby are going to take him there.

now just to figure out what to wear for tonight?

i'm crashing out. for serious this time. i barely held it together tonight. i left early, immediately after our set. i played a bad set. i don't care. i want to quit the band, i want to throw all my gear into the oceanto corrode, i want to cauterize the drive within me to create it's only a burden and i do not care to be accosted anymore. i want to sever and cauterize any inclination i have towards creation or complex thought. i want sever head trauma, i want to be hit over the head with a hammer, i want to be a drooling body in a coma. i can't deal with this.

i'm so unhappy and i do not like my life. there is something very wrong with me. i should be so lucky to be who i am and have all that i have but i just can't feel anything other than fear, resentment, and panic. i want to run. i want to connie converse. i don't care. i don't want to speak to amother human being again. connection is burden, it abrades my skin and leaves me raw. i'm so tired. can't everybody just leave me alone. but i don't want to be alone. i feel so isolated and apart from everyone and i know it's my fault. what's wrong with me?

i've been faking it but i have yet to make it. i keep telling myself that things will work out, i'll figure out what i need and how to ask for it. but days fly by and i'm stuck and i'm only sinking and the concrete is quick setting. there is no end, and the pace only accelerates. i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck but i'm too much of a coward to claw my way out. why try?

i want to quit the band. i want to quit music. i want to quit my job. i want to quit seattle. i want to quit everyone i know. i want to live alone in some foreign country with a simple job, a mild grasp on the language, zero internet access, and a cheap book store nearby. that can never happen. what a stupid dream. the world is going to grind me down or kill me before it lets that happen. why try?

feeling better after a day off. had a serious little mentie b but i think it was necessary. i was able to confess to the band that i am burnt out and hate donig the social side of shows. and they all seemed pretty cool with that. all's well.

yesterday was a pretty good day. started out with sleeping in then hitting the gym. almost down to 185!! then got home and called mom for a little bit since it was her birthday. ended up lounging around for a while before deciding to hit the bath house. but before that i was just on scruff and someone hit me up to do something interesting. i don't want to spill all the details since uhhhhh this is public (maybe i'll put it on my secret blog idk) but let's just say freaker fall is in full swing. went and did that (and made plans to do it again tuesday), then went to the bath house. it was pretty dead so i didn't do much there other than read in my room and do a couple laps. ended up leaving after a few hours, though i did get into the fray a bit. but the real kicker is: i got home and invited a guy over. it was okay, i enjoyed our conversation in bed after much more than the proceeding activities. he's really nice and i think i may see him again. even if he does lack some prowess that i would appreciate in a potential partner, it was fun to talk politics and philosophy with him.

so i maybe went a bit crazy yesterday, but it was much needed. it's freaker fall is it not!? i'm doing my duty to the season.

today is work then immediately running to the practice space to get the gear for the art show gig. i'm fucking dreading it, there's going to be nowhere to hide. i'm not particularly thrilled, but i'll have to soldier on. i'm sure it'll be okay if i hide for a bit. i might have to, i was up too late last night. luckily i had the wisdom to skip the gym and get a few more hours of sleep. luckily though i think i got enough exercise yesterday.

art show gig went surprisingly great. getting gear was way easier than i thought it was going to be. and no one really came until right before the performance. three people from the stranger were there! including emily from tacocat!! who complimented the set to me! so cool. teenage me would not be able to believe it. and we didn't even have to load gear out after. it's still at gilby's until monday night when we're going to go get it. it was a pleasant surprise. i ended up going and getting drinks with colton afterwards at cc's. always good to spend time with him. he was very sweet and let me know that if ever i genuinely need vulnerability he is happy to provide it. he's a good friend.

yesterday was kind of a rest day. i went to the gym in the morning then came home and napped and spent a few hours in bed. i needed it though, i did not punish myself for it. after that i went to jerry and ian's to watch slaysian royale. it was a good episode. it was the lalaparuza and the pinoy queens do not play when it comes to lip syncing. i think i'm rooting for Arizona brandy to take the season. amazon nick was there. ian and nick split off to go to neumos to see a show while jerry and i hit pony. had a fun time talking to jerry. i really need to tell him how much his friendship means to me and how much i love and adore him. maybe i'll tell him tonight. anyways ian and nick ended up rejoining us, as well as heath and cris and we all hung out at pony for a while. i had fun on the patio catching some eyes because i did look pretty hot.

we split off and hit burritos california on the way home then i went home and crashed. though that was the second burrito in two days i've got to get back on track of the cut. at the gym this morning i was at 187.3. no more burritos for a while. uh but get two beers in me and hell yeah i'm getting a burrito on the way home lol.

today is weird so far. i woke up at 5:30 to hit the gym before it got busy. went to the gym, got back around 8:30 and slept until 11:30, woke up and showered, and now here i am. i've got to call mom then i've got a date at 4:30 then ian and cris's birthday party is at 7. i'm going to be good and show up at 7:30. i'm trying to decide if i have time before my date to walk to the u district and see if there are any cute bags for sale at the vintage stores since it's supposed to rain all next week. i'll see how long the phone call takes.

then tomorrow is work and for the first time in a long time a date i'm actually really excited about. fingers crossed.

also huge news!!!!!! Dry Cleaning is dropping something on monday! thank the heavens it's finally happening! it's three years next month since stumpwork i'm desperate for new dry cleaning.

yesterday was a good day. starting my morning in that weird way i did with going to the gym then coming back home to sleep actually worked out quite well. i was well rested enough for the day. called and talked to mom for about an hour and it went well. i forgot to ask her for advice on how to make my costume. i'll text her later today.

i ended up going to the u district to look for bags. it was a lovely walk there, but i didn't find anything. i did have the idea to hit the army surplus store. maybe i'll go after work tomorrow. though looking at the weather forecast i'm a little too late. tomorrow is when it starts raining every day for a week. oh well, i'll figure something out. anyways, the way back was a nightmare. a uw game had just gotten out so the train got packed. and people from sports games or big events like that have no idea how to behave on public transit. nightmare. luckily i had about fifteen minutes at home to recover before going to meet cory.

date(?) with cory went really well! i think we're going to try and meet up to hang out again tuesday. we get along swimmingly and he's very handsome. though he is in an open relationship, but honestly? i think i've turned a new leaf when it comes to those things. i could never be in one myself, but i'm more open now to seeing someone in one. though in more of a friends with benefits sort of thing. very casual. but i'm looking forward to how things go. he did put me on to a fabric shop in sodo that i need to hit sometime this week.

then cris and heath's birthday. i ended up leaving before the festivities truly began but i got to have a couple drinks and say hi to everyone. i invited amazon nick to the movie night (because even though he's quite boring he is also very tall and very cute) and he seemed like he might actually come. i also in a muadlin moment told jerry how much i appreciate him and his friendship.

got home at a decent time and got a solid 7 hours of sleep. though my guts this morning are rough from drinking two nights in a row. i've got to lay off for a few days.

i hope work goes well today. i still haven't made up my mind on the new girl shaden. my intuition is telling me to be wary. or is she jsut very east coast in a way i'm not used to? remains to be seen.

it's the 29th and dry cleaning still hasn't released the new song!!! what the fuck!?

i can already tell today is going to be a long day. i barely slept last night and im host training shaden today. fuck me. i really want to like shaden, but i only can find her grating. and her husband is a cop. and she is so messy. maybe she'll acclimate and i'm just quick to write off. but still something in my intuition rings bells with her. maybe this means i can leave early today. god if only. i'm not even sure if i have therapy tonight. i just looked at my client portal and all of my future appointments are gone. i need to text mira.

just sent an email to mira. i hope she's okay. i could really use therapy right now.

i talked to megen last night and she is really pressing me to take the leap and just go to paris. in my heart of hearts i know she's right. the whole compromise i made about recording the album is a way to procrastinate. i know what i have to do. and i need to tell the band about it. i just don't know when. this means i need to brush up on french again and start really studying. for real. and maybe actually find a tutor. i'm just so terrified. but i think i'm going to go at the end of my lease. that means that this is my last year in seattle. is it bad that i feel such a relief?

yesterday at work was low key awful. molly called out so i had to host. and between kerrick and shaden, things were turning brutally slow and nothing was getting done. poor falyn had to take the entire counter all day. misery misery misery.

i realized in talking to megen yesterday that the root of this months long depression may have been the dawning knowledge that my time here is up and that i had to take action. it's really been weighing on me. and i think once i talk to the band, the weight will be lifted. my thinking is i'll tell them sooner than later, and we can try to aim to record at least something before i go, and i'll promise to train up a replacement. my thinking already is amanda. i think she'd be a great fit. who knows though. i'll find someone great if that's what the band wants.

i finished somebody, somewhere last night and it was beautiful. that show has really been a bouy this past week.

final day of the month. what an journey of a month. i think ultimately a journey towards clarity.

after talking to dad and mira yesterday, it's clear to myself that i've got to go once my lease is up. it's time. i talked to abbey too about people her and dad know in france. i texted christiane, her mom, about a place to stay in paris and i hinted at maybe a job. i'm still terrified but the more and more i make it real in my mind the more the fear alchemizes into excitement. still terrified about how to break it to the band, but i'll figure it out. i gotta start hitting my french heavy so i can get it up before i go. abby reminded me about the alliance francaise, and i looked and they have in person classes again. i should sign up for them.

yesterday at work was a nightmare. i've decided: i really can't stand shaden. i had to host train her yesterday and it was misery. the thought i kept having was, "you're a stranger, why are you telling me this?" she told me about her old job and how toc=xic the work environment was, and how she slept with a coworker there, and it just got worse and worse and worse. it was so uncomfortable to listen to and i was desperately serving off ramps to her in the hopes she'd read my face and stop divulging information i didn't care about and was discomfitted by. i'd walk away halfway through and the second i came back it was "anyways i was saying-" and she'd get right back into it. there was no escape. it was draining. and it seems our work schedules overlap exactly. what hell.

today after work though i'm going over to matt's which is sure to be a thrill, and we'll have much more time than last time. i cannot wait. i've not been able to stop thinking about it since last week. then after that i'm going to hang out with cory. i'm enjoying this little tramp era i'm in. i'm truly embodying freaker fall, and thank god for that. i needed it. as my confidence in my sense of self and my ability and strength has diminished, my confidence in my body and the physical has increased. i'm going to take advantage of that while i can.