i'm annoyed at yet another silly failed expression of desire. I gave that guy from the diner, paul, my number and he has a partner. yes yes i know you win some you lose some but why do i only lost them all lol. I've only ever had one successful romantic endeavor, nate, and look what that got me. nothing but pain, annoyance, a poorer credit score, and three years of my life that i sacrificed to spending overweight in boring domesticity. i'm ready for the next serious relationship, it's been long enough and i've accrued so much wisdom since i stupidly stumbled into the last one. why is nothing aligning?? am I uglier than I think? am i off putting in a way i am just incapable of seeing? I don't undderstand it!

I put so much work into myself to be hot, to be funny, to be charming, to be interesting and all it seems to do is make me more socially secure and self obsessed. but nets nothing in the sex/romance department. I don't even want sex. i still would love to cauterize that stupid boring need that wells up like a sick dog whenever i least want it. I just want mutual obsession, melodrama, limerence. that's all. with someone equally hot, funny, and interesting. rarely does someone catch my eye, and whenever they do they're never into me. I'm swatting down dudes i have no interest in left and right, when will someone on my level be interested in me? i'm so bored, i'm so over it. I hate hate hate dating and don't want to do it anymore. it's all so silly, i wish i could be asexual/aromantic. it would just make it all so easy if the only social need i had was familial and platonic. those i have in excess.

like seriously, am i not actually hot?? like what gives? shouldn't a hunk have come around by now and swept me off my feet? what else do I need to do? and i know i know i know that's not how it happens, there's no romantic karmic scales that need balancing. that's all nonsense i'm just so frustrated and defeated and had an annoying day. and it's driving me to doubt myself which is the worst outcome of all.

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i'm still in my romantic crash out. valentine's day only worsened my condition. i've been feeling so pitiful and lonely lately. my daydreams have been noxiously lethal lately. filled with limerance and simple intimacy. i'm really doing well though on not being embarrassed or ashamed of myself. it's only human, and i am allowed to be human. it's not weakness. i just want tenderness. and i want to foster intimacy and closeness with someone that i could fall irrationally in love with. i want to be devoted, i want to feel my passion for another buoy me forward, i want to be head over heels over head over heels over head and all over again. i want to lay my head on his chest and make him laugh, i want to parade a hottie around with pride, i want to be dependable. (if anyone ever reads this i will be forced to hunt them down and eliminate this from their memory.) my frustration has abated and dimmed into a deep yearning. i just want the shelter of a safe person to be vulnerable to. and i want to offer that safehaven to another as well.

someday soon the next one will come along, i'm sure. it's just, i've been so patient now for the past year and a half since i decided enough time had elapsed post-nate and i was ready for the next steady affair. i've been doing so much work to make sure i come correct, i've done so much to know what my needs are, so much to know what i want. and i know exactly what i want. i know too that nothing will be absolutely perfect, but nothing has presented itself that could even be plausibly decent. i'm losing hope, i'm losing faith in the feasibility of meeting someone fitting under the right conditions in which a relationship could take root. i guess it will just happen when it happens, i can't rush it. i'm ready to start praying to venus or something. maybe i should do a ritual tonight. that may assuage my embers.

it's now been four and a half weeks since surgery and thus five weeks since i've been weightlifting. my body image is at a low, and i'm itching to get back to it. i know i need to do a bulk but that scares me. i think i'm really flirting with an eating disorder. my relationship to food is so unhealthy, and the importance i put on my body image is getting out of hand. i know to bulk i need to eat a caloric surplus, but that's so hard to do. it's reflexive to punish myself for eating, it's habit to withhold, to starve, to abstain. maybe if i pump up my lifting habits up to five times a week i can feel good about eating extra. and this is what it takes to become a twunk lol. i think i'll counteract it all by consuming a dumb amount of protein a day. i was thinking that if i were to do two protein shakes a day on top of a quest bar each morning that's an easy 80g of protein. then if i eat two meals on top of that that should easily be enough. i just hope i'm recovered enough to start back in on lifting this week. there's still some tenderness in my chest when i put bump into things. i'm going to start with back and leg day of course, but will even that be too much? i'm just tired of feeling slouchy and untoned. it's coinciding cruelly with this romantic crashout.

ugh i'm not done writing. i could go on and on about my romantic crash out. i feel it rippling through my entire body and mind, i feel on the edge of madness. and over what? yearning? i think it just makes me feel like an incel. i want to feel like a romantic poet, like a tortured novelist, an artist in my pining. i want to be a lover! i feel it ready to burst within me, i feel it's pressure building up against my temples. i do so much to laugh it away, to swat it down and explain it away. but this time i don't want to. i want to be pathetic in love, i want to beg on my knees for some man. my pride prevents me from this of course, my pesky pesky pride. deep down inside i am begging to be dashed upon the rocks of desire. i want to be prometheus being pecked apart and shredded. why can't i bring myself to be the archer then? why must i wait and wait and wait for him to hunt me, or for the perfect opportunity to be served on a platter? what sense of propriety is preventing me? i'm a faggot! the name of the game is lust, desire, and degeneracy! is my ego really so fragile that i couldn't handle it? it's all pride.

but do i really want to disarm all these prideful mechanisms? is this true pure artistic yearning or am i just horny? does it matter? i think to me it does. i must hold within myself some decorum, some code of behavior. i want to maintain a reputable and charming character. but yr boy is down so bad. and not just for anyone either, i'm batting for a catch. I'm tired of going below my weight class. i'm 90% sure i'm really hot, and i know i can pull a hunk. my standards are high and i can't compromise on them! that's giving up, that's giving in, that's dishonorable. i am enjoying waxing grandiose and poetic about all this. i think it's the genet working through me. after all, inside it really does feel like epic forces of nature whipping me around. and here's the thing too, i don't want to just get laid. i'm actively trying to avoid sex so as to raise myself up to a desperate insanity and focus. i want more than that i want devotion and passion! i want desire and obsession. i just have to trust that it will come, all the while continuing to sharpen myself into a more clear and refined self that i can be even more proud of than i am now.

i sound insane and i sort of don't mind, it's fun to give myself over to it all.

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