new month! also now is the time i told myself i would start working on the future! oh no! but it's all about taking small, concrete steps. and i feel very ready for it. my mental health is the best its been in months and though i'm riddled with doubt, it's time i start in. there's a lot of work ahead, but i can do it. i should make a to do list. then bring my laptop to a coffee shop and spend time working on things. i think that's a monday thing. today i work, and am running off four hours of sleep, so it can wait until monday. and that's okay.

yesterday started out rough. hungover and not very well rested. but work turned out okay in the end. got through the day with little trouble. i do think i finally hit my point of realizing i don't love daria as a co worker. she just introduces this sort of chaotic energy. she also doesn't know the exact ways we do everything and so things are misplaced a lot, and things aren't done the exact way that everyone else does them. and i find conversation with her sort of difficult, so i have to spend the day avoiding getting into conversation. hopefully she'll learn. who knows. don't care. i clock in, then i clock out and it's all water off a duck's back.

still haven't heard from emma. this now marks three weeks. so fucking stupid. whatever. i haven't really talked to abby since either, and honestly that's whatever too. i get the feeling lola and i are going to drift apart too, and while that makes me sad, it is what it is. i don't really know how to fight it. i don't know how to maintain close friendships. that's okay.

had another date with jerry last night that went really well. we went to elliott bay then back to my place. again had incredible sex then spent an hour just naked in bed talking before i realized i was way past my bedtime. i really like him, i'm looking forward to seeing him again.

work today, then grocery shopping, then haircut. hopefully a nap in between, who knows. of course now that i'm cutting the mullet off my hair has looked the best it's looked ever. always happens.

feeling a strange sort of melancholy wash over me just now. i don't know if it's the lack of sleep two nights in a row or if i'm feeling a tragic pang over my inability to maintain close friendships. but i refute that, i do have close friendships, they're just not codependent. who cares, it's not a train of thought i care to mull over this morning. i'm just tired. fuck daylight savings by the way. all my homies hate daylight savings.

i think i'm going to take a break from blogging/journaling for a while. i've been bad about studying french the past few weeks and this is a perfect time in my schedule to fit it in. i've also realized that recently this has become almost entirely perfunctory. i'm sure i'll appreciate having a log of my life for these months, and maybe in the future if/when i pick it up again. but for now, i feel no need for it. and i really need to study more.

i'm baaaaaack. because so much stupid shit has gone on and i feel the need to exorcise myself of all the emotion by writing out my perspective on the whole schism (fiasco, drama, rupture, debacle what have you). i may have other ulterior motives in writing. i also think i miss blogging. that being said i realize i have not studied french yet today. i'll get to it.

anyways, swamp wife is dead in the grave, covered in festering wounds that will never heal and i cannot waste any more energy on it. like pilate i wash my hands. the final split occured just a few days ago. i realized that it had been a month since i had heard from emma, and i decided to reach out. i sent what i thought was a very reasonable and heartfelt text:

Hey I’m sorry to reach out I know you said you’d reach out when you’re ready, but it’s been over a month now and the looming lack of resolution is hanging heavy. It’s just that I’m sitting on the band funds and don’t know if I should gather everything and divvy it out or keep holding it. More pressingly though, I’m holding out hope we can write and record more before I leave the city. I’m also holding out hope we can resuscitate our friendship and talk it out and reach a deeper mutual understanding. These twins hopes are beginning to wear me down and I would like to know if I should keep them alive or snuff them out.

Not to be dramatic in my wording, I can’t help it. Anyways, I hope you’ve had a good autumn so far and the season’s change has been kind to you.

seems to me to be perfectly reasonable no? i even ran it by Lola and asked her advice. she was understandably tired of the whole thing. she was going to see abby the day after. we both comiserated about wanting it to just be resolved. i sent the text to emma sunday night. i didn't hear anything back that night. monday evening rolls around and emma hits the group chat with

Abby and Campbell, I want absolutely nothing to do with you. Please do not contact me or attempt to speak to me moving forward. You have my venmo. Bon voyage.

i woke up from a nap to see it and was just so done. at that point i hadn't even an inkling of an idea what had so completely ruptured our relationship. i was rather bewildered. and hurt, i had tried so hard to communicate and was refused. i tried so hard for the whole month and change to not make assumptions, to let things lie, to let her process, to give her the benefit of the doubt in my thoughts. because i didn't know what she was thinking. because she was refusing to communicate with me. so how could i have known? but after that text? i allowed the frustration to solidify. if it was scorched earth, why bother?

i was just so confused and hurt that someone who i thought was a good friend would just refuse to even attempt to reconcile. i know that the way i left the band wasn't the greatest, but to be fair it was because i was suicidal and couldn't meet the demands of the band.

i didn't even give a response. i reacted with a thumbs up. no communication starts now.

i spent the next 24 hours stewing. it really got to me. i just could not respect the avoidance and refusal to resolve the conflict. it read (and still reads) to me like childish behavior. none of this is irreconciliable and all very easy to communicate and talk out. abby and emma's beef would have taken a bit more work, but emma and I?? i didn't realize we even had beef. but i guess it's like that. abby and i got together tuesday to do the final accounting of band funds. i sent everyone their $423. i decided to have one last petty word before drawing the curtain on it all. the note for the venmo transaction to emma was a hand waving emoji and bon voyage. bon voyage to four years of friendship.

i also vague posted on my close friends story but neither evie nor emma are on my close friends anymore. and if a conversation if going to be refused, guess what? i have shit to say and i'm going to talk my fucking piece. and again, if the earth is already seemingly so thoroughly scorched what difference does it make?

i have spent the last three days in a state of frustration and confusion. i realized that my second great mistake after detonating the band was venting to evie on the drive home from smerz. i'm such a fucking idiot. of course she relayed every last word to emma. and if i'm not giving the benefit of the doubt (it wasn't afforded me) i'm sure it was relayed in a terribly unfavorable light. again, i'm such a fucking idiot. but even then, it still didn't make sense to me. not until i got the final puzzle piece today.

i heard through the grapevine that emma and evie read through my blog and decided that what i had written was unforgivable. i honestly doubted anyone actually read this, and honestly who cares. i'm glad to have this so people can know what i'm thinking.

that revalation made emma's reaction make a bit more sense. but i hadn't remembered what i had written in october. so i went back through and read the entire month. and my honest opinion? i'm even more pissed. the first half of the entries in the month are me recounting my mental state at my absolute worst. i voiced suicidal ideation, i wrote openly about my self hatred, my eating problems, my anxieties, my fears. i wrote candidly that i did not see a point to my life, that i wished i could destroy my life so as to drive myself to end it. really dark stuff that even reading it just a month later i'm surprised myself. later in the month i did write about the whole schism, but honestly nothing in it is terribly disparaging. it's all extremely reasonable and restrained. i barely voiced my frustration, it all could be described as resignation.

how i'm feeling now? absolutely livid and hurt. how two people that i at points considered my closest friends could read through my absolute darkest mental state and only fixate on the mentions of themselves. emma and evie if you're reading this? i'm sorry, but how fucking dare you? you can both fuck off until the end of time. i was doing so unwell and did what i had to do for myself and you were both terrible friends. before rereading my blog i had the inkling in the back on my mind that i would still always be open to reconciliation but now i'm not sure i can. how could you read all that and still refuse to resolve shit? stubborn, petty, and devoid of compassion. and the whole time i spent trying to be kind and maintain hope we could talk it out and reach a mutual understanding and resolution you spent just assuming the absolute worst in me. so wretched. you can both fuck offfffffffff majorly. if i knew a friend was in that state i would get over petty bull shit. that was a time i really needed support. so again, get fucked. i never want either of you in my life again.

i hate feeling angry, i hate feeling hurt, and it's not something i allow myself to stew in. and it's time to close the curtain on this whole stupid episode. the worst part is it's all left me feeling so isolated and alone. i'm doubting myself and i'm sinking back into total social self doubt. just this lingering voice telling me that none of my friends actually like me. that none of them would spend time with me if i weren't constantly begging. that i am grating, annoying, cloying, unbearable. that there are secret festering resentments buried everywhere like a mine field. the past week i've been hesitating to reach out to anyone. i know i need to have faith in my friendships but i'm just struggling right now. i just want to be alone. but after too much time alone that pesky human drive compels me to socialize. i find it so pathetic.

at least this whole chapter is closed and i can be done. it's all so fucking stupid. but i walk away with the lesson that i need to be more proactive in conflict resolution. if i am going to be angry about all this i can't be a hypocrite.

god i feel like a fucking idiot clown. i lashed out like a toddler because i was hurt and it's soooooo silly and stupid. i feel like i'm losing my mind. why did i do that? why did i have to lash out, why did i act like a child. but as i sit in this feeling hopefully it is just what i need to learn and grow up from it.