yesterday was a perfect nothing day. to start, i woke up, showered, and got laundry done. i was supposed to meet up with leah around 6, and by the time housework was done it was nearing 1:30. i decided to walk up to victrola and read for a bit. got a chair outside and read for an hour. alyssa ended up walking by and we chatted for a minute. it was lovely to read on the sidewalk while i was wearing my sunglasses. perfect opportunities for people watching. after a while i decided i still had time to kill, so i'd run over to lifelong and check their cds. got a couple gems. some dido, kt tunstall, tracy chapman, and i found tragic kingdom. also found a cute button up.

ran by home to drop off the cds, decided that the new shirt went with my outfit so i decided to throw it on. i love a midday outfit change, especially when it's something you just bought. so silly and fun. anyways, called charlie who i'd missed a call from. she's crashing out over that stupid avoidant boy. godspeed sister. i figured i still had a ton of time to kill, so i figured i'd get another coffee and read in the park. i happened to pass by out of the closet so i thought i'd check their cds. bunch of stinkers but i happened to notice that they had one of those travel cases with the sleeves. i was flipping through it and it was mostly britpop i didn't care about (oais, the verve, blur) but jackpot: post!!! i didn't want to buy the whole case just for this one cd. so i may or may not have just slipped it into my book that i had into my hand and walked out with it...

went and sat in the park and listened to post. noticed i had missed a call from leah. turns out her hand was really bad today and she had to go deal with it. she thinks it's a dislocation of some sort. all that to say she couldn't hang and my evening was now free. i figured i had on a cute new outfit, i couldn't just waste the evening at home. i decided on a movie. i wanted to go see sinners but the showing i could make was almost entirely full, i went with a movie called the weddin banquet a remake of a gay romcom from 1993. it was cute, i cried a bit. walked home and got lil woody's on the way. ended up staying up wayyy later than i should have and skipped the gym this morning, but that's okay. two rest days in a row won't kill me.

i've got work in an hour and it's the short shift. then right after i've got to run to the store to get more stuff for fake blood because we're doing test shots at the frame shop for the music video. it's going to be 73 today and i think i'm going to try to cut the sleeves off a shirt real quick to wear to work today.

i can still sense the lingering dregs of last months depression in my persistent disinterest. the band currently bores me, and i feel guilty that i can barely fake it. the thought of starting drag, something that's excited me for years, only looms onerous. and weightlifting, my constant stabilizer, i can feel myself resent at times. i know this will all pass in some time but it's so distressing to come upon old excitements only to find myself heavy lidded and bored. above all it's simply annoying. i feel like an ungrateful child. only way out is through. i'm far better than i was a month ago, i will be even more improved in another month. hell, even another week.

yesterday was an okay day. work was weird. starting at 9:30 throws me off. i am so used to ramping up the work day. jumping right in only disorients me. and i don't know if i was overcaffeinated or what but i kept getting odd vertigo. i was bumping into things all day. it felt like it was half an inch off from where i usually am. weird weird weird. didn't really get better until i got off work. ran by the store and got fake blood stuff and some food. if qfc doesn't start getting more halo top soon i'm going to commit atrocities on an unspeakable scale. i don't like going to safeway. that place feels like a supermax prison. though i do get a kick out of circumventing the locks on the ice cream doors by simply reaching from the unlocked door neighboring the locked one. can't keep me out.

i ended up taking a quick nap when i got home. then i had to run to the frame shop for test shots. i think it's really going to be a cute video. i'm so grateful to abby for stepping up and taking initiative with it. i keep telling her so. she says she just wishes she had more enthusiasm to work off of, and i don't know how to tell her i can't really muster any at the moment. i feel a bit guilty about it. after test shots went and got some chicken. abby invited me to hang on the porch, and i finally put out my patio table and chairs. don't know why i haven't after all this time. i want to spend more time out there this summer. it's a lovely little hidden space to read.

i ended up staying up too late, even with the nap. i didn't go to sleep until 11. so i'm working off of really only four hours of sleep. my plan for the rest of the day after work is to wander about, find places to sit and read. i think that's what will cure my listlessness. also! abby sent me an internet archive folder of a bunch of 90's punk zines from slc and turns out my dad wrote a column for it! i need to go through and read them. he's told me about this column before. it's a bunch of his stories from being a cabbie. i'm excited to dig through and read them.

i finally texted ian. and got an interesting response. my anxiety from the other night wasn't for nothing! he's never been with a man before, and he's questioning. and apparently when we first matched over a year ago he was trying things out, but then in his words spiraled. he said he's still questioning? whatever, i really have no interest in being someone's experiment if i'm being honest. i think it's cool that he's exploring it, but i don't know. would i really want to pursue things with someone that is questioning if they're even into me? not really. though now that that's out of the way i do genuinely want to be friends with him upon reflection. if he's open to it i guess. ball is in his court 100%. it does feel freeing to have it in the rearview, but now i'm crushless. what a despairable state to be in. hopefully someone sparks my interest soon, i've been in a mood to romanticize lately and i'm itching to indulge in hope.

work yesterday was weird. smooth for me, but jess and falyn got into it with ian about breaks. i stayed swiss because i don't really care, it's work. i love jess to death sometimes but i feel like she is often completely unwilling to see another person's side of an issue. and ian is at times a bit clueless and dare i say petulant? i successfully managed to only talk about it with molly and rachel and stayed out of it. i meant to go read in the park after work, but i met hurdles. first, i found a spot but it ended up being in the blaring sun. i am miserable in direct sunlight so i quickly wilted and moved (shame because i was right by some hunk also in the park reading). next spot was perfectly shady, but i was there for no longer than five minutes until the wind picked up fiercely. i gave up and decided i'd just read at home. ran by safeway for treats then home. sat in the armchair and tried to read while listening to big science but that's not a very conducive album to reading. i then saw ian had texted me and got distracted in thought.

i did manage to get around 9 hours of sleep. i passed out at 6:30 and managed to sleep until 3:30 only waking up once for a short time before falling back asleep again. it was because my back hurt so bad i had to take an advil which is worrying, but oh well. hopefully i was just sleeping weird. i'm hanging out with emma today after work for a couple hours which will be sweet and lovely i hope. and i'm supposed to go to the show at the clubhouse to play buffer for abby but i'm really not sure i can muster up the energy. it would be the good friend thing to do though. i'll see how i'm feeling after hanging with emma.

another day i guess. yesterday was actually a fairly good day. woke up and hit the gym, chest day. work was stressful but manageable. weekends are so draining. there's no way to face an endless onslaught of people all day and not feel at least a little bit tapped. but evie was working and it was fun to work along side her. luckily there were no big annoyances and the day passed in it's own time. emma came in around 2 and hung out until i got off. i cut a couple corners getting out of there but that's okay. we went and got drinks at an italian place on the hill. i got a lovely pasta as well. we hit creature consignment before hand. there was a ton of cute stuff in there but it was all just way too expensive i couldn't justify any of it.

it was lovely hanging out with her she always raises my spirits. i left pretty happy, but the length of my day caught up with me by the time i made it back home. i was supposed to go to a show at the clubhouse to keep abby company, but i was literally nodding off. i felt really guilty about it, especially because i'm not able to get tomorrow off, so i won't be able to go early and help her out with the music video. i really owe her one.

today i've got mostly clear. just work (i'm serving today not hosting thank god. ian's hosting though, so that'll be interesting to see in action on a sunday. his inability to keep the restaurant full will work to my advantage and keep the day easy.) and then i got a ticket to finally go see sinners. then another early bed time. i've gotten at least 8 hours the past two nights and i feel so much better. though as i'm writing this i am a bit drowsy feeling, what's that about?

went and saw sinners yesterday and it blew my mind. well worth the hype. the long shot of the music summoning spirits past and future had my jaw on the floor. the color grading was fucking stunning! i'm so happy when i see a film full of intentional color choices. the writing was poignant and i think the metaphor worked really well. and i've come around on michael b jordan. his performance was a knockout. star of the show for me though was wunmi mosaku. she has presence that fills the whole screen. 10/10 would recommend.

work was mostly smooth yesterday. a couple big annoyances but other than that it passed smoothly. went after work pretty much straight to the movie. on the way home i stopped by zion's gate to see if they had eusexua on cd. they didn't but i impusle bought alligator bites never heal instead. i need to cool it on the cd buying. i think maybe allowing myself one new cd a month or something might be a good structure for me to get new things. i also think i want to start preordering albums that i'm anticipating.

thing that's been on my mind this past week that i really need to bring up in therapy tonight is that i don't think i'm reasonably going to be able to debut in drag this month with jerry and i feel really bad. i need to break it to him but i don't know how. hopefully mira can help me with the guilt i'm drowning in about it and help me think of what to say to him.

today after work is the music video shoot. it's going to be a marathon of a day but at least i have tomorrow off to rest and recuperate. and i get to leave work early to go to help abby. i feel really bad apparently the show on saturday night went poorly for her and i feel so bad i didn't go. i really do owe her one.

yesterday was a lovely day. well, okay let me back up. work monday was fine, i don't really remember it well? nothing of note. oh, i was supposed to leave early to go help with the music vid, but abby ended up getting a late start and i had therapy 5-6 so i just went after therapy. it was such a gift to not lose money leaving early and also getting an hour of post work recovery time. therapy was a good session, though mira had to cut it short bc she hurt her back and was having pain. that's okay, i said what i needed to say and she only charged me half. i hope she's okay.

music video shoot went really well! poor abby was so stressed out. i tried to be as helpful as possible. i think it's going to turn out really sick. at a point it did become sensory hell being covered with jam and fake blood, but that's okay. i hope the shots turned out okay and we got enough footage.

anyways, yesterday: i thought it was going to be miserable because i thought that i had the day off until 11 pm monday when Julie texted me asking if i could come in at 7:45 instead of 9:30. my dumbass thought i had the day off so i was already not going to get a full 8, and i was not energetically prepared for two more days of work (i thought my days off this week were tuesday + wednesday, they're actually thursday + friday) so i expected work to be a slog. also because there were only two servers. i started off pretty miserable and sulky, but somehow by the end of the day i was in a perfect mood. the sun was out and it was beautiful. i was in a bangin outfit and looked super hot. the flow never got overwhelming. leah, alex, and juliet came to visit me and had breakfast. i flirted with a hot guy and bought him coffee cake. miraculously lovely stuff.

after work i went to cal to listen to cds and read in the sun. i walked past a stall selling records, cds and tapes and found an erykah badu live album! wildly lucky find. i listed to it while i was reading and it is like heaven and therapy and healing. she is such a beacon, and she performs with such ease and light. what a legend. while i was reading lorenzo walked past and sat down and hung out for a minute. after he left the sun started to wear on me so i decided i'd get groceries then head home. i wanted to walk longer, so i walked up to 12th and across to pike. on a whim i popped into wall of sound to see if they had cds. they do!!!! and guess what i found!? Medúlla!!! i felt like some lucky light was shining down on me. with renewed vigor i waltzed over to qfc, running into nick on the way. after buying groceries i realized i needed more outside time, so i dropped off groceries and went back to cal. sat and listened to cibo matto (thank you to lola for gifting me sterotype a) for an hour or so. got home, ate some food, then passed out. what a perfect day.

today is work (though i'm hosting on a wednesday with three servers, this is going to be a breeze), then a doctors appointment, then i'm going to bellevue to have dinner with a guy from tinder. not sure how i feel about it, as would i really date someone who lived in bellevue? not likely. but oh well we'll see. i hope he gives me a ride back into the city if he has a car. i have to get up early tomorrow for the gym.