yesterday was a perfect nothing day. to start, i woke up, showered, and got laundry done. i was supposed to meet up with leah around 6, and by the time housework was done it was nearing 1:30. i decided to walk up to victrola and read for a bit. got a chair outside and read for an hour. alyssa ended up walking by and we chatted for a minute. it was lovely to read on the sidewalk while i was wearing my sunglasses. perfect opportunities for people watching. after a while i decided i still had time to kill, so i'd run over to lifelong and check their cds. got a couple gems. some dido, kt tunstall, tracy chapman, and i found tragic kingdom. also found a cute button up.

ran by home to drop off the cds, decided that the new shirt went with my outfit so i decided to throw it on. i love a midday outfit change, especially when it's something you just bought. so silly and fun. anyways, called charlie who i'd missed a call from. she's crashing out over that stupid avoidant boy. godspeed sister. i figured i still had a ton of time to kill, so i figured i'd get another coffee and read in the park. i happened to pass by out of the closet so i thought i'd check their cds. bunch of stinkers but i happened to notice that they had one of those travel cases with the sleeves. i was flipping through it and it was mostly britpop i didn't care about (oais, the verve, blur) but jackpot: post!!! i didn't want to buy the whole case just for this one cd. so i may or may not have just slipped it into my book that i had into my hand and walked out with it...

went and sat in the park and listened to post. noticed i had missed a call from leah. turns out her hand was really bad today and she had to go deal with it. she thinks it's a dislocation of some sort. all that to say she couldn't hang and my evening was now free. i figured i had on a cute new outfit, i couldn't just waste the evening at home. i decided on a movie. i wanted to go see sinners but the showing i could make was almost entirely full, i went with a movie called the weddin banquet a remake of a gay romcom from 1993. it was cute, i cried a bit. walked home and got lil woody's on the way. ended up staying up wayyy later than i should have and skipped the gym this morning, but that's okay. two rest days in a row won't kill me.

i've got work in an hour and it's the short shift. then right after i've got to run to the store to get more stuff for fake blood because we're doing test shots at the frame shop for the music video. it's going to be 73 today and i think i'm going to try to cut the sleeves off a shirt real quick to wear to work today.

i can still sense the lingering dregs of last months depression in my persistent disinterest. the band currently bores me, and i feel guilty that i can barely fake it. the thought of starting drag, something that's excited me for years, only looms onerous. and weightlifting, my constant stabilizer, i can feel myself resent at times. i know this will all pass in some time but it's so distressing to come upon old excitements only to find myself heavy lidded and bored. above all it's simply annoying. i feel like an ungrateful child. only way out is through. i'm far better than i was a month ago, i will be even more improved in another month. hell, even another week.

yesterday was an okay day. work was weird. starting at 9:30 throws me off. i am so used to ramping up the work day. jumping right in only disorients me. and i don't know if i was overcaffeinated or what but i kept getting odd vertigo. i was bumping into things all day. it felt like it was half an inch off from where i usually am. weird weird weird. didn't really get better until i got off work. ran by the store and got fake blood stuff and some food. if qfc doesn't start getting more halo top soon i'm going to commit atrocities on an unspeakable scale. i don't like going to safeway. that place feels like a supermax prison. though i do get a kick out of circumventing the locks on the ice cream doors by simply reaching from the unlocked door neighboring the locked one. can't keep me out.

i ended up taking a quick nap when i got home. then i had to run to the frame shop for test shots. i think it's really going to be a cute video. i'm so grateful to abby for stepping up and taking initiative with it. i keep telling her so. she says she just wishes she had more enthusiasm to work off of, and i don't know how to tell her i can't really muster any at the moment. i feel a bit guilty about it. after test shots went and got some chicken. abby invited me to hang on the porch, and i finally put out my patio table and chairs. don't know why i haven't after all this time. i want to spend more time out there this summer. it's a lovely little hidden space to read.

i ended up staying up too late, even with the nap. i didn't go to sleep until 11. so i'm working off of really only four hours of sleep. my plan for the rest of the day after work is to wander about, find places to sit and read. i think that's what will cure my listlessness. also! abby sent me an internet archive folder of a bunch of 90's punk zines from slc and turns out my dad wrote a column for it! i need to go through and read them. he's told me about this column before. it's a bunch of his stories from being a cabbie. i'm excited to dig through and read them.

i finally texted ian. and got an interesting response. my anxiety from the other night wasn't for nothing! he's never been with a man before, and he's questioning. and apparently when we first matched over a year ago he was trying things out, but then in his words spiraled. he said he's still questioning? whatever, i really have no interest in being someone's experiment if i'm being honest. i think it's cool that he's exploring it, but i don't know. would i really want to pursue things with someone that is questioning if they're even into me? not really. though now that that's out of the way i do genuinely want to be friends with him upon reflection. if he's open to it i guess. ball is in his court 100%. it does feel freeing to have it in the rearview, but now i'm crushless. what a despairable state to be in. hopefully someone sparks my interest soon, i've been in a mood to romanticize lately and i'm itching to indulge in hope.

work yesterday was weird. smooth for me, but jess and falyn got into it with ian about breaks. i stayed swiss because i don't really care, it's work. i love jess to death sometimes but i feel like she is often completely unwilling to see another person's side of an issue. and ian is at times a bit clueless and dare i say petulant? i successfully managed to only talk about it with molly and rachel and stayed out of it. i meant to go read in the park after work, but i met hurdles. first, i found a spot but it ended up being in the blaring sun. i am miserable in direct sunlight so i quickly wilted and moved (shame because i was right by some hunk also in the park reading). next spot was perfectly shady, but i was there for no longer than five minutes until the wind picked up fiercely. i gave up and decided i'd just read at home. ran by safeway for treats then home. sat in the armchair and tried to read while listening to big science but that's not a very conducive album to reading. i then saw ian had texted me and got distracted in thought.

i did manage to get around 9 hours of sleep. i passed out at 6:30 and managed to sleep until 3:30 only waking up once for a short time before falling back asleep again. it was because my back hurt so bad i had to take an advil which is worrying, but oh well. hopefully i was just sleeping weird. i'm hanging out with emma today after work for a couple hours which will be sweet and lovely i hope. and i'm supposed to go to the show at the clubhouse to play buffer for abby but i'm really not sure i can muster up the energy. it would be the good friend thing to do though. i'll see how i'm feeling after hanging with emma.

another day i guess. yesterday was actually a fairly good day. woke up and hit the gym, chest day. work was stressful but manageable. weekends are so draining. there's no way to face an endless onslaught of people all day and not feel at least a little bit tapped. but evie was working and it was fun to work along side her. luckily there were no big annoyances and the day passed in it's own time. emma came in around 2 and hung out until i got off. i cut a couple corners getting out of there but that's okay. we went and got drinks at an italian place on the hill. i got a lovely pasta as well. we hit creature consignment before hand. there was a ton of cute stuff in there but it was all just way too expensive i couldn't justify any of it.

it was lovely hanging out with her she always raises my spirits. i left pretty happy, but the length of my day caught up with me by the time i made it back home. i was supposed to go to a show at the clubhouse to keep abby company, but i was literally nodding off. i felt really guilty about it, especially because i'm not able to get tomorrow off, so i won't be able to go early and help her out with the music video. i really owe her one.

today i've got mostly clear. just work (i'm serving today not hosting thank god. ian's hosting though, so that'll be interesting to see in action on a sunday. his inability to keep the restaurant full will work to my advantage and keep the day easy.) and then i got a ticket to finally go see sinners. then another early bed time. i've gotten at least 8 hours the past two nights and i feel so much better. though as i'm writing this i am a bit drowsy feeling, what's that about?

went and saw sinners yesterday and it blew my mind. well worth the hype. the long shot of the music summoning spirits past and future had my jaw on the floor. the color grading was fucking stunning! i'm so happy when i see a film full of intentional color choices. the writing was poignant and i think the metaphor worked really well. and i've come around on michael b jordan. his performance was a knockout. star of the show for me though was wunmi mosaku. she has presence that fills the whole screen. 10/10 would recommend.

work was mostly smooth yesterday. a couple big annoyances but other than that it passed smoothly. went after work pretty much straight to the movie. on the way home i stopped by zion's gate to see if they had eusexua on cd. they didn't but i impusle bought alligator bites never heal instead. i need to cool it on the cd buying. i think maybe allowing myself one new cd a month or something might be a good structure for me to get new things. i also think i want to start preordering albums that i'm anticipating.

thing that's been on my mind this past week that i really need to bring up in therapy tonight is that i don't think i'm reasonably going to be able to debut in drag this month with jerry and i feel really bad. i need to break it to him but i don't know how. hopefully mira can help me with the guilt i'm drowning in about it and help me think of what to say to him.

today after work is the music video shoot. it's going to be a marathon of a day but at least i have tomorrow off to rest and recuperate. and i get to leave work early to go to help abby. i feel really bad apparently the show on saturday night went poorly for her and i feel so bad i didn't go. i really do owe her one.

yesterday was a lovely day. well, okay let me back up. work monday was fine, i don't really remember it well? nothing of note. oh, i was supposed to leave early to go help with the music vid, but abby ended up getting a late start and i had therapy 5-6 so i just went after therapy. it was such a gift to not lose money leaving early and also getting an hour of post work recovery time. therapy was a good session, though mira had to cut it short bc she hurt her back and was having pain. that's okay, i said what i needed to say and she only charged me half. i hope she's okay.

music video shoot went really well! poor abby was so stressed out. i tried to be as helpful as possible. i think it's going to turn out really sick. at a point it did become sensory hell being covered with jam and fake blood, but that's okay. i hope the shots turned out okay and we got enough footage.

anyways, yesterday: i thought it was going to be miserable because i thought that i had the day off until 11 pm monday when Julie texted me asking if i could come in at 7:45 instead of 9:30. my dumbass thought i had the day off so i was already not going to get a full 8, and i was not energetically prepared for two more days of work (i thought my days off this week were tuesday + wednesday, they're actually thursday + friday) so i expected work to be a slog. also because there were only two servers. i started off pretty miserable and sulky, but somehow by the end of the day i was in a perfect mood. the sun was out and it was beautiful. i was in a bangin outfit and looked super hot. the flow never got overwhelming. leah, alex, and juliet came to visit me and had breakfast. i flirted with a hot guy and bought him coffee cake. miraculously lovely stuff.

after work i went to cal to listen to cds and read in the sun. i walked past a stall selling records, cds and tapes and found an erykah badu live album! wildly lucky find. i listed to it while i was reading and it is like heaven and therapy and healing. she is such a beacon, and she performs with such ease and light. what a legend. while i was reading lorenzo walked past and sat down and hung out for a minute. after he left the sun started to wear on me so i decided i'd get groceries then head home. i wanted to walk longer, so i walked up to 12th and across to pike. on a whim i popped into wall of sound to see if they had cds. they do!!!! and guess what i found!? Medúlla!!! i felt like some lucky light was shining down on me. with renewed vigor i waltzed over to qfc, running into nick on the way. after buying groceries i realized i needed more outside time, so i dropped off groceries and went back to cal. sat and listened to cibo matto (thank you to lola for gifting me sterotype a) for an hour or so. got home, ate some food, then passed out. what a perfect day.

today is work (though i'm hosting on a wednesday with three servers, this is going to be a breeze), then a doctors appointment, then i'm going to bellevue to have dinner with a guy from tinder. not sure how i feel about it, as would i really date someone who lived in bellevue? not likely. but oh well we'll see. i hope he gives me a ride back into the city if he has a car. i have to get up early tomorrow for the gym.

the past 36 hours have been largely lazy. wednesday night after the doctors appointment i cancelled that date that was supposed to be in bellevue. i would have had to take the train and two busses. no way in hell was i going to do that after working 7 days in a row. no way i was going to do that ever. i ended up going to bed early.

yesterday was, to put it kindly, a rest day. i went to the gym early, then spent the rest of the day in bed. i watched the episodes of the last of us that are out. took a long nap. got up in the evening to go get a burrito, then came back home. went to bed around 11. i'm trying not to feel guilty about it. i really needed the rest. i had just worked seven days in a row. it's okay to rest.

today i decided to skip the gym. my back has been hurting and i don't want to exasperate it. i also got two vaccines on wednesday and i'm feeling really achy from it. in lieu of lifting, i'm going to walk to fremont to go check out the cds at jive time and the vintage mall. then i've got to come home and nap, because tonight is going to be a late night. i'm meeting with leah at 6 to catch up and play some pool. then i've got to run to massive for the dance party. evie and mark are going to be there. i'm probably going to try to get home and in bed before 1. then work tomorrow, but i am planning on just rolling out of bed and running in, so i'll be able to sleep until like 6:30.

another couple days have elapsesd again. i fear i've been going about this blog all wrong. i've been journaling like a record keeper of a voyage. that's one way to journal, but i don't think it's the most exciting or artful. and it has placed a burden on me to keep up with the list of events and happenings in a way that has lead me to drag my feet on updating. also, i've been reading our lady of the flowers and i'm struck by the poetry of the prose, and i miss the times in my life where my writing was most florid. so i think i want to drift from the path i set, and take a more stream of consciousness approach. i think i sometimes get too caught up in an archival mindset in matters where it is detrimental. will i really care to look back and see, oh wow i went grocery shopping and did laundry this day four years ago. cool. or will it be more valuable to write my mental and emotional state, drifts of thought, fixations, obsessions and the like? i've come upon the decision that the latter is not just more valuable, but simply more exciting.

this weekend was one of revelry and opening up. dancing two nights in a row! jumping from social event to social event, three each night! staying up until 3 am. i am so thrilled for this summer if this is what i am capable of. there is a world of possibilities, and i can stumble upon whoever i would like to be. i feel much more uninhibited and silly, carefree and light. i feel myself shedding those last terrible dregs of the muck of depression. it is still weighing me down in small ways, but clump by clump i shake it off. still feeling creatively empty, but i feel forces in my crust simmering. i am listening to the wind and allowing the pressure to build. i'm paying attention to the little things. just yesterday i witnessed a sparrows wings blow the tufts off a dandelion laying on the rim of a trashcan. what a rare thing to bear witness to.

all this to say, i want to free myself from the burden of feeling i must treat this like an activity log. it's gotten so mundane and mechanical. i don't need to keep track of my day to day happenings in such a rigorous way. i feel similarly about my music listening statistics now that i've almost entirely switched to cds. i feel a recurrent pang of worry that i won't have a record of what i've been listening to, but i'm realizing i don't have to. as these albums i'm accruing begin to populate my moments and phases, i will be struck by memories and associations like old friends. and that is much more beautiful than a simple count. more artful than numbers. less rigid, yes. prone to misremembering and forgetfulness, yes. but that is the nature of perception and humanness. and i want to sink into the depths of my own simple fallibility, even if it scares me. fear of forgetting can be a prison.

i let a whole week slide by. that's okay. i have to remind myself constantly that just because you let something slip a little bit, it doesn't mean you have to let it go completely. i have a tendency to be so rigidly tied to consistent routine that if i let it slip, i decide that it's no longer worth it now that the streak is broken, may as well give up. silly silly silly. i can come and go as i please, and why does it matter that it's not a perfect record? what purpose is this for other than for joy and pondering?

my energy has been at a low this past week, unaided by my weekend visit home. travel is so exhausting, especially when it is filled by time with no peace or rest. i find that after visiting home i have to seriously recover. i love and adore family, and am so grateful that i happy relationships with my family, but nevertheless visiting home is an endurance test. i'll recover, i've done it before.

i had a very productive therapy session with mira yesterday. she held me to account on my avoidance and pointed out my use of black and white thinking in order to avoid vulnerability. i realized just how much i catastrophize and allow anxiety to paint a dreadful possible future, then treat that pessimistic painting as inevitability. i need to ask myself more often, "what if things went well?"

"what if it doesn't lead to an awkward situation?"

"what if this is just an excuse?"

i am once again confronted by my unhealthy obsessive love with possibilities and daydreams, and how i reject the messy and unpredicable outcomes of reality. when nothing is concrete, when nothing is committed to, when there is no responsibility, it can still become anything imaginable. i love sitting with those daydreams far more than i love doing the work of building reality. but if i don't put in that work then there will be no shelter.

I have to start getting ready, i'll pick this back up once i'm off before going to the show tonight -

(cont.) just got back from seeing maria somerville with evie and lola. it was a beautiful show. the bass played a lot of barre chords which was fascinating. it was really dreamy. got me thinking about using ambient textures for swamp wife. i'm a little brain dead from a full day though and can't remember what i wanted to expand upon. my mind is sitting cozy and comfortable after a lot of socializing. especially now that i am post burrito laying in bed. sweet dreams to me.

the mullet is back baby, and filthier, rattier than ever. i pulled the trigger yesterday and i'm feeling pretty satisfied about it. i look vaguely like an english football hooligan and i don't mind. i feel it will help me with a mode change as we transition into summer. a mode led with more abandon, less scrutinized, less agonized. i love the word agony, mostly because it brings to mind the cartoonishly pained faces of olde european christian art. they had such a fetish for pain and punishment. but there's something about those facial expressions of horror and agony that draws my heart and eyes like magnets. i don't know why. there's just such a camp factor. like calm down girl, it's only hell and damnation.

the band met last night to decide the covers for the cover ep and i love all the choices. it's "the hours" by beach house (me), "close to me" by the cure (emma), "the one to wait" by ccfx (lola), and "silo coordinance" by patterns make sunrise (abby). i'm really looking forward to beginning work on them. i just know it will free me from this glacial block that's encased me these past months. i can feel my fingers, already thawed, straining to play. i just need to free my arms so that i can reach out of the hole that has been home since winter.

i skipped the gym this morning (it was supposed to be leg day so of course i put it off, go figure) because i thought that it's my last day off before five days straight of work. i want to go read at the cafe, i feel like it will be more mentally valuable. i'm also going to be lugging a big crate of records all the way up to ballard today anyways. that's workout enough. and leisure time will do me well today. i went really hard the past two days, so hard i am suitably sore, i think a rest day will do me well. it's either a rest day today or tomorrow, so why not today when i can really make it count?

i'm going to run up to sonic boom to sell half my records today. translate all of it into cds. hopefully there are some treasures to be found. i wonder how much credit i'm going to get. i can't wait to shop with utter abandon. i love selling clothes or records and accruing store credit. there's nothing better for the soul than truly consequence free shopping. after this though i need to put the brakes on buying new cds. i have so many, and i need to enjoy what i have before i branch out. also to let the stock at all the record stores turn over, i've been to them all already.

i don't have much time before i have to start getting ready, so this is going to be a little short, but i was struck by an understanding of a philosophy i hope to embody and live. this is all heavily inspired by wilde and genet of course. anyways i was thinking of genet's veneration of theft, betrayal, and homosexuality as subversions of common morality in pursuit of an aesthetic moral, and i worked out a way to vocalize my desired philosophy. ideally, as i can't help but be a moral relativist, morals should be aesthetic and beautiful in my opinion. ethics can be an art. and to me i would prefer to lead my life in a pursuit and reverence of faggotry. i would define faggotry as a veneration of aesthetic, camp, beauty, and melodrama before practicality. and to elaborate further, i believe it is possible to build an ethic that upholds faggotry as it's guiding principle. and i would like to align myself in pursuit of that. to lead my life in a manner that celebrates and cultivates camp, beauty, and melodrama.

i definitely need to narrow down what the core principles are. but i am enjoying formulating this. it serves my long running desire to subvert and frustrate the patrician ethics and morals that have long bored and constrained me. fuck the puritans, they had it all wrong and i strive to live my life with a full spirited rejection of their silly principles. i also reject the rigid and masculine schools of thought in the vein of stoicism and the like. it's all so boring. life is not served or improved when built upon logic or asceticism. what a drag. morals and ethics have an unspoken aesthetic, and that's what interests me. so i desire to embody and celebrate camp, so i desire to embody and worship beauty, so i desire to embody and exalt melodrama. i hope to sharpen this all so as to make it cuttingly concise.

work today is going to be a drag. i hardly slept last night and i'm going to be unmedicated. i can do this. i've got a date with someone genuinely hot after work. he is bringing his dog though and everyone knows how i feel about that. oh well.

sorry for the significant delay. it's been a long ardous weekend punctuated by a moment of thrill, but that thrill has now curdled it seems. it's just been work every day, compounded with it being memorial day weekend and my having a cold, that's left me drained. the date saturday night ended up being lovely and was the first date i've been on in forever that i genuinely felt the magnetic attraction. how exciting! and we had a great time, or so i percieved, i'm now unsure. we share a great number of commonalities and the conversation came so easy, and though he never made me laugh, he did catch me off guard multiple times which was fun. i left the date floating on a cloud of hope. i texted him the sunday morning to see if he wanted to swap playlists (something we had talked about) and he said he's down. i spent the whole day agonizing over song choice and track listing as i usually do (that's fun to me though). i sent it yesterday morning and have heard back nothing. in two hours it will have been a full day and that cloud of hope i was floating on is rapidly deflating, becoming a sinking stone.

i have to start getting ready for work but i'll pick this up when i get home -

i have been indulging and leaning into a crash out the past 48 hours. still have heard nothing back, and i don't think i ever will. i'm trying to find the fun of the heartbreak, the joy in getting caught up in my humanity and weakness. but if i'm being honest i'm really hurt. i am typically irrationally hesitant to indulge in hope and tenderness, and am rarely led to feel a spark of attraction, so when both happen i get so excited so fast. and it immediately imploding before it even started has just confirmed so many of my anxieties around dating. i feel foolish, i feel naive, i feel ugly, i feel unremarkable, i feel socially inept, i feel silly. and it is all so silly, isn't it? i spent three hours with this man, why am i so affected? i'm beginning to realize just how much i project onto romantic possibilities instead of actually approaching them as complex human beings. i just love revelling in the mirror they provide, i can't help but try them on in many imagined scenarios like thinking of an outfit the night before a big day. i know i'm self centered and self obsessed, but i would hope to nurture a spark with someone equally obsessed with themselves. humility, self-effacement, self-loathing, and modesty are so out, i don't care for them. i love meeting people that are so tapped into their internal worlds, it's fascinating to witness and observe. but i worry that my unwillingness to dull at all is perhaps a hinderance. am i hot enough to be crazy? it's a privilege afforded only to the physically stunning, really. i hope to someday be afforded that privilege.

i'm just dissapointed is all. i haven't felt attracted to anyone since ian, and we all know how that fizzled. i know i'm picky, but i can't help it. and as disappointment compound, i grow impatient. there must be something wrong with me, no? some giant flaw that i am blind to? how do i find it out and address it? can i start taking exit polls after bad dates? i absolutely have flaws that i am aware of (i talk incessantly, i bulldoze conversations, i tend to be too abstract, i have a tendency to be pretentious, i'm a little shallow, i'm hyperbollicaly opinionated, etc.) but most of them are things that i love about myself and refuse to change. they are what make me me, even if that makes me less easily palatable. but is it time to steer towards broad palatability? i'm quickly losing hope of finding anyone soon that i am madly obsessed with that will be equally willing to be madly obsessed with me (that is also brutally hot). how do people date so frequently and easily? it feels so pathetic and trite, but what is wrong with me? i feel like taking a clipboard to the streets and taking public comment. i want to lose my mind and go insane, but i am so committed to playing it cool i simply can't. i wish i had the abandon to be crazy, damn to consequences.

i refuse to read this all back, it will absolutely make me feel pathetic. so what.

i cleaned out my closet today, i'm going to go to crossroads right when they open tomorrow and sell a bunch of clothes. it's a new era and i need to dress the part! and even if they don't buy a ton, it'll be out of my hair. i need to start casting off the ballast of my consumerism in whatever ways i can.

is it bad that i love the feeling of a crash out spiral? to barely hold on to decorum, to feel an internal wind whipping about screaming to be allowed to self-destruct? it's a reminder that i am just a silly little animal, and i need that reminder. just so i never get too big for my britches.

i just trimmed my nails, making typing this a sensory hell. what bliss.

just about to start another work week after what was a bountiful weekend, though two days is never enough. luckily this is my last five day work week for the next little bit. i am feeling a bit replenished and ready for this week, there's no way it could be more draining than this past week. though i'm starting it off with odd energy. i had to cut the gym short because i almost threw up. leg day driven nausea again. but now that i am beginning my cut, it's overdue that i start hitting some cardio in earnest. i just don't know when i'll be able to fit it in. will a half hour on the exercise bike work on work days? time to experiment with time management.

i'm feeling pretty much over the whole playlist ghosting episode. if i'm being honest it was fun and melodramatic. i miss it already. but i've got a date tonight and another guy in the works already, so i don't think i'll have to wait long for intrigue. it is disappointing still, but if i am missing the melodrama then it's a sign to give in more. to be vulnerable and hopeful with more abandon. i need to embarrass myself a little more, or at least not be so terrified of the possibility. it's a revelation i need to heed.

instrumental in Getting Over It was a long night walk with deliberate soundtracking. wednesday was a scorcher for may with a high of 82. the day before i knew just what i needed and scheduled a long summer night walk after band practice. i walked all the way north on 15th, down into a neighborhood i've never been in before. it was west and a little north of westlake, in the divet of the peninsula sort of by madrona. it was a thrill walking down unfamiliar streets at 11 pm. there's nothing like a deserted and unfamiliar neighborhood to set the mind spinning. the soundtrack so perfectly suited for the experience was the voice of love by julee cruise (most importantly track five "up in flames" with the siren, it set me on edge, made me keep an eye over my shoulder. what a thrill) and the other side of the coin was the reminder by feist to remake myself and tend to the cracks that had formed over the past week. skipping down a strange deserted street lined by houses i could never afford near midnight in time to "1234" was deeply healing.

today i'm hitting mosswood with a new guy. let's hope he's not a bore. and i can't wait to be known in the presence of a new date. always such a power move.

work was absolute hell today. lately my capacity for chaos has been less than usual, and i've been more easily put on edge. it concerns me. am i just coming off a stretch of poor mental health and is this lessened capacity merely transitory or is it a permanent trend? i really hope it's the latter.

all that to say, i really don't have it in me to blog today. i meant to seeing as it's the end of the month, but i just don't have it in me. today hollowed me out, all i have the capacity for is idleness.