A Deeply Unserious Blog

the rave last night was a blast. i think i want to go out dancing more. it was so fun to let loose like that, i'm proud of myself for being able to do so.

i'm sick as fuck, like writhing in discomfort sick. i tried to write last night when i got home from work but the misery kicked in sharply. i am too addled with fever currently. i'll update later. i hope this passes quickly

oh my god what a miserable couple of days i've had. i'll try to keep it all chronological as best i can.

okay, so: the rave was fun, i danced so much. i think i had a breakthrough with dancing in public. i can't wait to go dancing so much this summer! i made out with a stranger and got a free drink! stayed out until 1:30 then came home and passed out. work saturday was not as bad as i thought it was going to be. even though we were short staffed, things went smoothly. stayed busy as fuck so time passed quickly which is always a mercy. i ran by the store on my way home and as i got home realized my voice was kind of shot. as the evening went on i got more and more feverish until about 7 i realized i was in a bad way. i had sort of suspected that i had been under the weather, as my muscle recovery was super weird this week. like i did pull day on tuesday and had to wait until friday to do chest, and even then my arms were still sore from tuesday. normally my arms are fully recovered after a single day. anyways, i try to go to bed early because i'm delusional and like to think i can willpower myself out of being sick. cue a miserable night full of one hour fits of fever dreams bridged by miserable braindead writhing.

i ended up texting julie and steve around 4 am sunday morning that there was no way i was going to make it in. sunday ended up being the most miserable day of probably the past at least two years. fever was so bad i could hardly think. my throat was so swollen i could hardly talk or even swallow. on top of that, non stop splitting headache. worst part? my body felt like i had gotten run over by a stampede of horses. my joints hurt so fucking bad i could barely move without whimpering with pain. oddly enough i also got patches of hypersensitivity on my skin? so hypersensitive that even the brushing of fabric or water running down it was overstimulating to the point of registering as pain. all this for 24 hours straight. i spent most of it fitfully watching youtube trying to distract myself. i was able to drag myself to qfc to pick up food only because i was too embarrassed by what i wanted to let a friend go for me. i eat like a teenager, especially when i'm ill. how can i have a friend go shopping for me when all i really want is four pints of halo top and dayquil? hell no.

luckily i was able to get a good nights sleep sunday night. woke up the next morning still feeling pretty dog shit though so i called out of work again. i maybe could have struggled through the day full of dayquil, but i'm kind of glad i played it safe and stayed home. i was able to rest and recover and i got laundry done. i watched inside out 2 and soul because i needed a good cry. i feel like i need another good cry. trying to think of a good movie i could watch to get that out of my system. anyways, yesterday passed pretty peacefully and mostly without misery. still had a splitting headache all day but it was ignorable if i was laying down and not moving. washing my sheets immediately after being so sick was nice, because boy howdy was i sweating buckets.

it's tuesday now and i'm feeling mostly better. i worked today and it only kind of sucked. i was able to stay in good spirits luckily. my body still feels gross and my head is full of phlegm, but i'm out of the worst of it. what a stupid nasty bug. i was anxious about missing two shifts but kaylee is a sweet angel and took up my offer of a day off, so i'm working her shift friday. hopefully i can pick up another extra shift next week. i feel like someone is going to call out sick next week. molly, ian, and kaylee were all out with the same thing last week, and half the kitchen is currently out with it. i am not looking forward to the next couple years of no cdc and rfk jr. as the health secretary. i hate being sick.

yesterday wasn't really anything of note. went to the gym, worked, nap, then band practice. i thought i was feeling better until last night congestion hit me like a fucking tsunami. sleeping last night was an ordeal of mouth breathing and snot. even with dayquil!!! miserable, i can't wait to be well again. i've been feeling so listless and unmotivated this week. i know i'm sick and it's okay to feel a little down but i'm really struggling. i keep trying to remind myself to keep a bigger perspective than a week but it's hard sometimes. i haven't been writing much lately, i've not been reaching for my guitar at all, and all i want to do is nothing. am i burnt out or just sick? is it just the end of winter? i need to be easier on myself. energy and inspiration is a tide.

today i decided to take it easy. i'm having a super slow morning. i didn't set an alarm. not like it did much good though with all the congestion i only got 7 fitful hours. in a little bit i'm going to go get coffee and read up at victrola. then i've got a ticket to go see mickey 17 at 4 which i'm stoked on. i've been looking forward to this movie for a couple months. then after that home for an early bedtime. tomorrow is a 3:30 wake up day.

god i feel so worn out. it's because i'm sick and i know that, but my mind is trying to reverse engineer a reason for the feeling. i'm usually pretty good at keeping my brain in check but there's some emotions that are bulls in my china shop. namely ennui, regret, and worry. i hope someday i get better at reigning them in but when i'm exhausted and my guard is down even a little they tumble in in droves. maybe i'm thinking about it too much. i'm sick, it's only natural that i want to be in bed all day. but i can't rest!!! there's so much life to live, i can't spend another day locked up in my bell tower. there's already been two days this week. i never know if i'm doing too much or not enough.

i hope this dark cloud (plague) passes through me quickly, i'm tired of it already. i fucking hate being sick. i don't have time for it.

yesterday actually ended up being a lovely adventure. i went and finished the thief's journal at victrola and had coffee and a danish (i found out there's a free refill on drip that i've just not been getting this whole time). i was so enlivened by finishing the thief's journal that i decided that before my movie i would go find a copy of our lady of the flowers and read in the sunshine until 4. on a whim, i didn't put headphones in after i left the apartment. this turned out to be a revelatory coincidence. i first went to elliott bay, but they had every genet novel but our lady of the flowers. i decided okay let me try twice sold tales. again, no. i stubbornly decided then that i would go to pike place and the book stores down there to see what i could find. left bank? no. b.l.m.f.? no. lamplight? no. i went so far as to walk all the way down first ave to arundel only to again find nothing. with an hour and a half until my movie i decided, fuck it, let's hit magus. so i walked back up to the westlake station and took the train. i accidentally got off on the university of washington station and not the u district station since i always get on on the capitol hill station and assume two stops equals u district station. that was fine, it forced me to walk through UW campus.

so after that entire journey i make it to magus. i check fiction, no genet. i ask the desk person and they find in their system they have a copy of our lady of the flowers thank god! they search for five minutes in all the possible places it could be only to turn up empty handed. incredible. as a last ditch effort i try the UW bookstore only to find they also have zero genet. eight book stores in total, six miles walked. by the time i made it to the movie i was so hungry and thirsty i ended up getting popcorn and a water bottle. the girl checking me out at concessions didn't charge me for the water bottle which was a win. i ended up eating too much popcorn though, and by the time i got home had no appetite. what a weird day.

the beautiful revelation though of doing all that walking without headphones was that i realized just how much i was missing by always having headphones in. i ran into so many people. i ran into anna and chase on my way downtown, then i ran into jerry on my way back up after the movie. i noticed so much more and was just aware of my awareness in a way that brought me joy. i think i want to stop having music in as when i take long walks now.

today is going to be a marathon. i woke up disgustingly congested. my head feels like it has the density of a dying star. i went to the gym anyways and it was a lot. by the time i got home and showered i'm already feeling so tuckered out. i have work in an hour and it's going to be an endurance test. praying the dayquil clears up my sinuses. i might take an extra decongestant on top of it all, kidney and liver be damned. as soon as i get home from work i've got to nap as long as possible. going out for drag race, probably to massive. then it's lorenzo's birthday and everybody is going to stoup to hang out. i'm not sure how long i'll stay out, but it would be nice to hit stoup too. depends on how ill i'm still feeling. i decided to skip the gym tomorrow to try and rest this all off. i don't have time to be sick.

kind of a nothing weekend. just work and trying to rest and chase off the lingering ends of this sickness. i went to drag race with Jerry and ian friday night. i was supposed to go to lorenzo's birthday after but i was just feeling wiped and my voice was going. i ended up getting bok a bok and heading home. it's what i needed. saturday at work was pretty easy, and not too many annoying customers. after work i came home and rotted in bed, it's all i could do. there's still just a lingering bit of the bug and it's kicking my ass. my plan is tonight is to do a fat lot of nothing. especially after work today. hosting sundays is never easy. i just hope i can rest up enough tonight and tomorrow to hopefully be rid of this thing. i'm tired of being ill, i want to have energy again.

hopefully i have a date with some hot guy of tinder tomorrow, it's a maybe. it's the first guy to message me in a very long time that i actually really really want to see. you should see his arms they're beautiful and huge. the plans are a maybe. if not i think i'm going to go see anora while it's still in theaters after winning best picture. i really hope we end up hanging out i want to be down bad, and i think he might just be able to make me so. hopefully he's not a bore.

had fun after work wandering around and hitting elliott bay while listening to my teenage yearning playlist. i've been having a lot of fun tapping into that desperate chest clenching yearning that was so omnipresent as a teenager. it's so much fun now that i have a healthy and stable sense of self. and it reminds me i still have that capacity buried in me, i just have to wake it up and water it. i've been worried that i really truly cauterized all those soft sappy feelings. they're still there, and i want to dredge them all up and roll around in them. i want to be so heartsick and panging with yearning i can hardly think. i want to be a romantic sappy fool, it's what i need.

man, i need to tighten up the habit of blogging. it's okay, it's been a weird week. my headspace has been in the clouds all week. that doesn't even count fever brain from being sick last week. that's okay, just because i miss a few days doesn't mean all is lost. i catastrophize too much. just because i don't keep up a habit daily doesn't give me a right to abandon it or lose hope. just means i have to renew my effort and focus. that's all.

it's been a weird few days. not externally, everything has been pretty business as usual, but rather internally. i've been listening to nothing but music from high school. specifically all the songs i used to yearn and pine over straight boys to. it's been honestly so fun and healing. i've been giving all the understanding and attention to my teenage self that he craved a decade ago. it's been just what i need. i've been spinning romantic unrealistic daydreams with abandon, letting myself yearn until my heart aches, really leaning into that intense interiority that got me through those difficult years. i've been spending a lot of time alone with it, spending alone time with my teenage self, listening to him. it's brought me to tears a couple times. i'm really grateful that i'm able to do this now. to have compassion, love, and understanding for a past self i used to disdain. i really love him, and i understand now why he was the way he was. it's also let me acknowledge needs that i still have that i've just pushed down and ignored for so long. i'm still afraid of them, but i'm much more equipped to acknowledge and listen to them earnestly. to not be embarrassed or ashamed by them. i'm a much softer, romantic, and emotional person than i would like to have believed. that's okay, i'm embracing it now.

it's interesting to me how in the past, when i had an unstable and easily bruised sense of self, i interpreted my own needs and wants as brutal admissions of lack. my response was always shame and embarrassment. i just wanted to be listened to and cared for, i just wanted to be seen and loved. i've been realizing just how emotionally neglected and isolated i was as a teenager. i really don't think anyone was even close to meeting my needs. everyone was too busy, or confused, or also in a similar situation. and i will say i don't think i necessarily had the capacity to meet and accept that love and attention, but i wasn't even getting scraps. i was so fucking desperate for anything. and after so long of receiving nothing, my answer was to become an island, extreme self-sufficiency. and it helped me survive, it's what i needed then, but not it's outlived it's use and i need to unlearn it. easier said than done. is it silly that i am only now earnestly acknowledging in myself to myself the need (and deep want) to be loved, seen, cradled, understood, seen, cherished? i've tried to tell myself that that's childish and i can evolve past it for so long and it's tiring. i want to be held, i want safe harbor. i want to provide that to someone as well. trying to fight back my disgust at publicly writing all that out. barely winning.

i didn't end up going out with michael on monday, we pushed it back to saturday. we've still been texting though. i've been letting myself daydream without the worry of getting hurt. emotional cost analysis be damned, i'm going to yearn. i think i want it to hurt. i hope we're able to keep this date.

there's really not been much the past few days socially besides work. every day has been work, gym, and home. i have been taking very long meandering walks soundtracked by regina spektor, lana del rey, and lykke li. it's indulgent of me, but that's okay. luckily next week will be very social. tomorrow i'm hanging with jess, then this weekend is chock full, monday i'm hanging with leah, and wednesday jess and i leave for portland. it will be a good contrast to this very interior two weeks.

blogging in bed on a rainy day listening to details by Frou frou has me feeling so 2002. i really love the production style of the late 90's/early 00's with really dense complicated beats. i'm glad it's making a comeback.

yesterday was a pretty good day. it was leg day yesterday and i went hard, it was rewarding. my ass hurts so bad today. i'm trying to shakeup my routines and really push myself since i'm trying to bulk. i need to be careful with my inner right knee though, it's acting up a little. after gym i came home and did laundry, showered, blogged, went grocery shopping, and cleaned my floors. i meant to do the bathroom too but i lost steam. that's okay, i'll get to it eventually. then had a really good band practice. i'm so proud of the music that we're able to make. i'm really looking forward to the KEXP show next saturday, i think it's going to expose us to a lot of new people that are connected. maybe we'll be able to meet cheryl waters even. i need to remember to ask julie tomorrow if i can leave work early that day since our load in is at 3.

anyways, what really made yesterday great was texting with michael all day. i rarely text so much with someone, but i think i'm just excited to meet him. it's silly, but all the music i've been listening to has me feeling wistful and optimistic in romantic matters. i have high hopes for meeting him this weekend, and i am ignoring the cost analysis that if it's a dissapointment it's going to really hurt. high risk, high reward. and i think a lot of hurt would be the emotional equivalent to a plunge into icy water. revalatory and stirring. it's weird to text a stranger so much though. it's something i usually take great pains to avoid. usually if i set a date with someone i keep texting to a minimum until we meet up. i'm trying to unearth why i do that and i think it comes down to a couple things. 1. i try to avoid my phone as much as possible. 2. i used to refuse to put any stake into a first date and didn't want to build up hope. 3. texting is such a dogshit avenue of communication. what the hell though, i'm really enjoying it now, even if it is getting my hopes up.

my spirits have been pretty high today. i did back and biceps today at the gym, a completely new routine. i think it's one i'm going to keep. it really pushed me to absolute failure in a way i've not hit in a while. i've been feeling really bulky and confident in my body for the first time in my life and i'm having so much fun with it. not having the burden of hating your body and feeling the constant need to hide/obscure it is so freeing. i took a meandering walk in the cold sunshine after the gym, stopping by work to pick up some coffee. got home, showered fast, sang a bunch, then got ready. ivy needed witnesses to have something notarized, so i met her at ups at one. turns out it was a will. she's so funny and put together in bizarre ways for a 21 year old to be. i hope she's doing okay. she's planning to leave the city this summer. i hope it goes well for her. she's a character. i got home a couple hours ago and have just been lounging and snacking. i might take a nap, why not. i'm getting drinks with jess around 5:30 later to plan portland and hang out. she seemed to be having a rough day at work when i stopped by, so i hope she's still okay to hang later.

i'm definitely going to take a nap. fuck it.

yesterday was so long but so fun. like a mad man i woke up at 3:30 to go to the gym even though i slept like shit and only really got 5 hours of sleep. had a good workout though. work went by very painlessly thank god. then i had a lovely hour after work to stop by home, have a snack, and lounge for a bit before i had to run back out the door. Lola and Emma helped get gear from the space so i didn't have to. just had to carry the merch down to the car then abby and i walked over to mosswood. the guy who runs the space brian is such a darling angel and the sound guy gary made us sound so good. we sound checked then went and got subway. Lola forgot to print the ticket list so i had to write it by hand. after guestlist (which was insanely excessive and indulgent at 33 names when i first counted it, it grew significantly) we only had 40 tickets to sell at the door. i firgured out a good system to keep track. we ended up selling out within an hour, added five more tickets, then had to start turning people away. i worked door for the longest and it was fun, until i tapped out and got a little overwhelmed.

my brain is a little addled right now and i keep getting interrupted by band stuff so now i have to get ready to go to Johnny's play. i'll finish updating later tonight when i get back home.

so i just got back from johnny's play. i'm happy i went to support but man, it was exhausting. just being around family all night, sitting through a middle school musical, milling about waiting. but i'm home now, and i don't have to do it again until next year.

anyways, the show last night! sun spots and spiral xp were lovely. had really great conversations with them both and i hope to play more shows with them in the future. made good connections with brian and dyani at mosswood too, hopefully we get to play there again sometime soon. also theo tattooed! and four people got swamp wife tattoos! which is crazy to me. all of them were strangers. theo is a darling angel and gave me a framed print of the flash sheet.

our set went wonderfully. i fucked up brain freeze a little bit but everything else went perfect. i did the rain and swamp sounds through my pedal board and it added a lot to the set, i'm probably going to do it again tomorrow. abby was saying people were mouthing along with the songs which is crazy! after our set someone snatched my set list which always makes me so happy. by the time our set ended and we had to load out i was pretty dead though. also break down and load out took for fucking ever because there were so many people to say goodbye to, so many things to keep track of and gather up, and so much to remember to tie up. i didn't get home until midnight, then i decided to go to qfc for snacks and halo top. got home, snacked, and then passed out around 1:30. thank god i gave my shift to jess, i would not have made it through today otherwise.

tomorrow is going to be a long one again, but hopefully less so. work (skipping the gym even though i want to, i know i should rest) then the black lodge show. i'll have an hour in between to come home and rest for a moment. i already told the band that i'm leaving immediately after our set. i have to get to bed in time to hit the gym monday, for my own sanity. i'm beginning to realize how much i shape my life around the gym. what can i say? it is the only thing holding my mental health together and i have to be hot or i'll die.