yesterday was a sort of rotten start to pride month. i was perhaps a little under rested for work (i've not been sleeping well. i've been waking up every few hours the past few nights, it's been annoying) and so was already not firing on all cylinders. i could go on about mundane work nonsense, but that's just not interesting, and the minutiae of why work has be ground down just doesn't really matter. i don't care to transcribe it all. suffice it to say, i've decided to not run myself ragged for work. i made the choice in the beginning of the day to not walk faster than a casual pace all day and i didn't. and it didn't really affect much. the day went on, the world continued to spin, and while maybe i was a wet blanket all day, it all ended up the same way. i'm growing frustrated by how tiring this job is. i love it, and it makes me happy. i love my coworkers, i love the environment, i love being a part of the neighborhood and being seen. it's just so damn busy all of the time. and it's slowly siphoning off my soul. here on out, i work less hard. it's not worth it to really run myself like that.

went and saw bring her back last night. it was brutal and disgusting. there's a scene of a kidbreaking his teeth biting off chunks of a wooden table then chewing them, followed by him biting and peeling the skin from his arm. i haven't had a movie make me writhe in my seat like that in a long time it was fun.

god i'm trying to write but i'm so tired. i didn't sleep great last night. and with being on a cut, the gym isn't as rewarding. i know it's all part of it, but man getting weaker and being a little hungry all the time really takes it out of you. maybe that's why this week i've been so grumpy and short. hopefully i can sleep through the night tonight.

this week has been lost. nearly entirely. i've spent the morning mourning, running my fingers over the divets left eroded from the time slipping by unnoticed. i've been working so much i'm utterly exhausted. i slept until noon today. clearly i needed it, but there goes half of the day. i had only planned on doing cleaning the apartment and working on music today, but now all i can drag myself to doing is laundry which i've just started. i've spent all my energy the past two weeks on work, leaving me nothing for the things that actually bring me joy. what a fucking mundane waste. luckily julie felt bad enough that next week i have a three day weekend, but i'm still working saturday and sunday the next two weekends. i will say though i have given up working hard. when hosting i have begun to refuse to walk faster than a casual pace. i will continue to do so, as work does not deserve my soul. fuck that, i'm just there to pay to live. it's all so endless and seemingly pointless.

but there is still so much beauty and wonder to be revered.

i've had a headache that just won't go away for the past three days. i don't know if i'm not drinking enough water or if i'm just exhausted.

i feel like i'm back at square one where i was back in april. i thought i was so close to catching back up. i just need a few free days, and i'll have that next week. but i can't shake the grief at having to write this entire week off then. first week of june, in my 27th year. i should be living, but i am merely resting and recovering. all i'm capable of. do i have a right to be resentful?

i went on a second date with jack. it inevitably ended up in bed which i felt powerless to put the brakes on. like in a dream where you know something terrible is going to happen, but you can't run or your mouth is stuck shut or you can't open your eyes. i performed well, but now i associate him with the boiling anxiety of intimacy and have written him off. i didn't feel the spark in the first place, so i'm not too torn. just bitter now that i have to concoct a rejection, my least favorite part by far. i think i avoid letting anything snowball out of fear of a necessary rejection. it's been two days and he hasn't texted me, i hope it jsut fizzles. maybe he had a mediocre time too and we can mutually veer off trajectory. i fear i will have to reject. misery.

i'm floundering on how to rescue the day from the jaws of ennui and melancholy. i think i'm going to take a long walk later, but i have to be in bed before the sun goes down. maybe i can go get a beer on a patio and read somewhere. that would heal me perhaps. where can i find a shady patio with a view> captain black's maybe. though if i don't get a walk in, i know i will beat myself up over physical inactivity. there's no perfect escape, no way to find my desired outcome without getting covered in bruises and scratches.

i should call my mom. but i know the phone conversation will turn into an hour and a half and i don't have that time.

i should call somebody, but i don't know who.

i need to switch out the laundry.

my sunscreen expired last year and i wonder if that really matters.

the next day