yesterday was a sort of rotten start to pride month. i was perhaps a little under rested for work (i've not been sleeping well. i've been waking up every few hours the past few nights, it's been annoying) and so was already not firing on all cylinders. i could go on about mundane work nonsense, but that's just not interesting, and the minutiae of why work has be ground down just doesn't really matter. i don't care to transcribe it all. suffice it to say, i've decided to not run myself ragged for work. i made the choice in the beginning of the day to not walk faster than a casual pace all day and i didn't. and it didn't really affect much. the day went on, the world continued to spin, and while maybe i was a wet blanket all day, it all ended up the same way. i'm growing frustrated by how tiring this job is. i love it, and it makes me happy. i love my coworkers, i love the environment, i love being a part of the neighborhood and being seen. it's just so damn busy all of the time. and it's slowly siphoning off my soul. here on out, i work less hard. it's not worth it to really run myself like that.

went and saw bring her back last night. it was brutal and disgusting. there's a scene of a kidbreaking his teeth biting off chunks of a wooden table then chewing them, followed by him biting and peeling the skin from his arm. i haven't had a movie make me writhe in my seat like that in a long time it was fun.

god i'm trying to write but i'm so tired. i didn't sleep great last night. and with being on a cut, the gym isn't as rewarding. i know it's all part of it, but man getting weaker and being a little hungry all the time really takes it out of you. maybe that's why this week i've been so grumpy and short. hopefully i can sleep through the night tonight.

this week has been lost. nearly entirely. i've spent the morning mourning, running my fingers over the divets left eroded from the time slipping by unnoticed. i've been working so much i'm utterly exhausted. i slept until noon today. clearly i needed it, but there goes half of the day. i had only planned on doing cleaning the apartment and working on music today, but now all i can drag myself to doing is laundry which i've just started. i've spent all my energy the past two weeks on work, leaving me nothing for the things that actually bring me joy. what a fucking mundane waste. luckily julie felt bad enough that next week i have a three day weekend, but i'm still working saturday and sunday the next two weekends. i will say though i have given up working hard. when hosting i have begun to refuse to walk faster than a casual pace. i will continue to do so, as work does not deserve my soul. fuck that, i'm just there to pay to live. it's all so endless and seemingly pointless.

but there is still so much beauty and wonder to be revered.

i've had a headache that just won't go away for the past three days. i don't know if i'm not drinking enough water or if i'm just exhausted.

i feel like i'm back at square one where i was back in april. i thought i was so close to catching back up. i just need a few free days, and i'll have that next week. but i can't shake the grief at having to write this entire week off then. first week of june, in my 27th year. i should be living, but i am merely resting and recovering. all i'm capable of. do i have a right to be resentful?

i went on a second date with jack. it inevitably ended up in bed which i felt powerless to put the brakes on. like in a dream where you know something terrible is going to happen, but you can't run or your mouth is stuck shut or you can't open your eyes. i performed well, but now i associate him with the boiling anxiety of intimacy and have written him off. i didn't feel the spark in the first place, so i'm not too torn. just bitter now that i have to concoct a rejection, my least favorite part by far. i think i avoid letting anything snowball out of fear of a necessary rejection. it's been two days and he hasn't texted me, i hope it jsut fizzles. maybe he had a mediocre time too and we can mutually veer off trajectory. i fear i will have to reject. misery.

i'm floundering on how to rescue the day from the jaws of ennui and melancholy. i think i'm going to take a long walk later, but i have to be in bed before the sun goes down. maybe i can go get a beer on a patio and read somewhere. that would heal me perhaps. where can i find a shady patio with a view> captain black's maybe. though if i don't get a walk in, i know i will beat myself up over physical inactivity. there's no perfect escape, no way to find my desired outcome without getting covered in bruises and scratches.

i should call my mom. but i know the phone conversation will turn into an hour and a half and i don't have that time.

i should call somebody, but i don't know who.

i need to switch out the laundry.

my sunscreen expired last year and i wonder if that really matters.

the fog lingers, thick as before. as much as i tried to resuscitate my spirits yesterday, i only succeeded in passing time. i ended up going to captain black's and reading for a time. it was nice to spend some time in the sun. i then caved and got a burrito, bringing it home then falling asleep an hour too late. a small indulgence that did nothing to alleviate the apathy. still i strive to hold love for the mundane. for example, from my seat on the patio last night the perspective through a window in the building next to me perfectly framed the window on the other side of the building. it was artful, and took suficient time to appreciate it. i've always loved a frame within a frame when it happens unexpectedly.

i have yet to find a position to type on my laptop that doesn't bother my wrists. this concerns me, i fear carpel tunnel.

today marks the beginning of another five day work week. i feel defeated, completely eroded. i plan to give nothing at all. it's all i can do to limp my way through. i have plans tonight (drag race w the boys) and sunday (johnny and ryder's birthday) and i plan to cancel on both. all voices within me are commanding to retreat within myself. i know that to do so fully would be a mistake, but i am too tired, too apathetic to resist. i just want to be alone and be left alone. my phone is full of messages and i resent it. nothing is urgent, no one needs to get a hold of me. i have specifically built my life so that no one needs to rely on me, and i don't need to rely on others. and i wonder why i struggle with isolation.

ian texted me last night apologizing that he hasn't texted me back. i don't know how to tell him i hope that he isn't reaching out out of a sense of obligation. i'm not sure i'm in a space to deal with an awkward conversation with him. part of me wants to ignore it. but i feel driven by a sense of obligation. stupid stupid stupid and pointless. wish him well and move on, what else is there to do?

i feel like i must muster conviviality for work today. i couldn't be bothered to care. i resent the necessity of social performance in times like these. not of work, but for my coworkers and friends. i don't give a fuck about being rude and flat to customers, who cares. but i can't do that to coworkers/friends. that always brings prying concern. what annoying misery. the only way to avoid it is to spackle on a veneer for the day and hope nothing shines through. i'm not sure i have it in me, meaning i'll be given pitiful glances and half smiles all day. just fuck off, i know concern is well meaning, but it's meaningless.

what to wear today not that i can't wear muscle shirts to work anymore?

yesterday wasn't so miserable i guess. it was a bit of a nothing day, but that's honestly what i need from this weekend. i had to train evie on hosting so i didn't have any time to sulk. a good thing, saved me from myself. but what if i wanted to be sullen and withdrawn? i suppose i have today for that. i really would give anything to not have to face the day ahead. i resent the hordes that i am forced to face today. i am going to repeat my plan last weekend, no walking above a casual pace and overquoting. i refuse to rush today. i'm too tired and i simply couldn't care.

i cancelled on drag race, citing mental health. i feel a little bad but coming home after work and errands and going to bed at 6 pm was fucking magic. i plan to do the exact same tonight. i'm going to bring my book so i can hit the park right after work and sit in the sun a bit. i should bring some sunscreen. packing my bag today will be an interesting tetris. i guess i could just come home to put on sunscreen. but i think an afternoon of reading in the park then an early bed time will heal me.

should i do cal anderson or volunteer?

as i take this weekend to focus on rest and be extremely careful with my energy, i can't shake a pang of grief over lost time. i'm the youngest i'm ever going to be again, it's summer, and i am sacrificing time because i'm too tired from working too much. if i think about it for too long i am crumpled by the loss. it's just a weekend. but so was last weekend, and the week in between the two, and the week before that. and honestly this whole spring has just been one big loss. lost to burnout and depression. i know that just means that i can start now to cherish and value my time more mindfully, and i plan to. it's just a bummer thought i can't shake.

you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.

i just went jogging for the first time since i was 19 and i had a beautiful time and i feel amazing. i ran four miles in ~50~ minutes, just up 10th up past volunteer park and the cemetery then back down 13th/14th to union, then back. the midpoint i did consider why i was subjecting myself to it, but the first 15 minutes and the last 15 were absolute bliss. well, that's not true. there was a point on the last leg where my chest started hurting and i genuinely thought i may be pushing myself too hard. but then i hit the downhill down pine and sprinted the rest of the way home with a smile on my face. depression cured.

jerry checked back in about drag and i told him my mental health is bad, i don't think i can. i feel so guilty, i owe him a big gift. i've been holding him back. he waited for me and i didn't fulfill my end of the promise. i need to give him a genuine apology, and let him know that i won't be able to make good on our promise to start drag together.

i looked at the schedule for the next two weeks and i'm a bit angry. i'm not hosting saturday and sunday every weekend. but i am hosting saturday, werving sunday. i want to scream. i just want to be able to go out and revel. it's pride month, i'm not getting any younger, and i'm wasting my weekends having my soul chipped away for breakfast. i need to talk to julie this week.

yesterday after work, in all my melancholy, stopped by home to lather on sunscreen and went down to cal. i, in a tank top, sat in direct sunlight for a whole 45 minutes!!! i'm quite proud of myself. i think i may try to do the same thing today. maybe. it is supposed to get up to 84 today. we'll have to see how dedicated i am to being a summer person. i'm already sweating just sitting in the apartment typing. i had to get up last night to set up the air conditioner finally. i couldn't sleep i was too warm. sweating with a sleep mask on is a nasty sensation.

i am learning to enjoy the summer, i think. monday after work i did indeed go and sit in the sun. direct sunlight on captain black's patio for 45 minutes in just a black tank top. i cooked. but at points i did enjoy it i suppose. it didn't feel like quite the endurance test that it has in the past. i did sunburn slightly through spf 50 which is silly and funny to me.

the past two days have sort of passed without any events of note. just workout, work, rest, sleep, repeat. the heatwave is supposed to be done today mercifully. it's only getting up to 79 today. still warm but not unbearable.

i've not slept terribly well the past few nights. even with the ac i am struggling to be comfortable. i'm very much looking forward to sleeping in this three day weekend i have ahead of me. i think two of those days are going to be rest days. if i can stand it.

i'm hanging out with ian later tonight if plans hold. i don't know quite how to feel about it. he texted me a few days ago and i worry he's asking to hang out purely out of a sense of obligation, but i don't know how to tell him that he isn't obligated if he doesn't want to. i just hope it isn't awkward and uncomfortable. who knows.

god i am weary to my bones. could it be the collective 13 hours of sleep the past 48 hours? i just want to fucking nap.

i've been desperately trying to combat the leaden sense that tells "there is no joy". i'm getting better at it, but it's never staved off enough to feel safe. i feel embattled. i am clinging to what i can to bring me joy, but i struggle to labor for the true joys. i haven't felt a creative spark in weeks. i haven't touch my guitar outside of practice or gigs for months. i haven't cleaned my apartment in weeks. i haven't organized anything in ages. what is it all for? i feel paralyzed. i know that this is fleeting, that in some days or weeks or months the shroud will lift and i'll be free to reach again, but it is weighing on me how long it's been. i feel like i'm losing time lost in a fog. the days tick by, screaming past like glimpses into the windows of a speeding train as it blows by. i just want to scream to myself wake up! but i can't be moved to care.

i got my first sun burn of summer. on only one third of either of my legs, as i was sitting cross legged in the park for 45 minutes yesterday. a very silly sunburn.

getting brunch with ivy in an hour, then it's off to sonic boom to sell the rest of my records. then i think i'm going to stop by american music to see if i can sell the pedals i don't use to get some i could use. and maybe a gift one for evie. we'll see. then no evening plans, i want to work on some demos perhaps. i long to write again. i miss it so dearly.

not much else to report on that i can think of. it all feels like a haze lately. details bleed together, smudged by the clumsy thumbs of ennui, colors running and pooling from the heavy oil of malaise that clings.

i'm being dramatic, but that's the fun of it all. after all, isn't my personal philosophy in pursuit of melodrama as one of three core values? i am embodying.

i saw a crow jumping yesterday while i was out wandering, and i realized one could describe the rhythm with which crows hop could be described as galloping. the thought brought me joy and pinged around my head all day.

finally cleaned my apartment after weeks (probably months at this point) and wow i already feel a weight lifted. it's not perfect, there's still work to do, but it's a start. i still need to mop (i ran out of mop juice), deal with all my t shirts, and organize the storage space, but everything else is done. only took me so long.

went and sold the last of my records i was willing to part with thursday. got another $300, then proceeded to spend $270. but i got some killer stuff. the surprise pick that has turned into the soundtrack of the past few days was tracey denim by Bar italia. i've resisted bar italia for so long but i'm obsessed now. i listened to it three times on the way home from sonic boom and have listened to it multiple times since. what other good finds were there. be the cowboy and the land is inhospitable and so are we by mitski, doris by early sweatshirt, heaven or las vegas are some off the top of my head. my collection is quite sizeable now, i think i want to start approaching my rotations differently. i think i want to pick a day a week to "set it" for the week and force myself to only have those cds in my bag for the whole week. what would be a good day for it?

work week starts today. i descend back into the breakfast mines to spend more hours locked in battle in the breakfast trenches. i am promising myself today to do good on my word and not walk faster than a casual pace. later tonight is Benton's going away party and i can't decide if i want to go or not. i slept like shit last night (woke up from 11:30-2 deathdeathdeathdeathdeath) and i'm opening server tomorrow. i should go, i need the socialization. and i already planned on skipping the gym tomorrow. but i also realized with the show tuesday, i should probably skip tuesday too. i will survive that, it's just when i don't go to the gym my mechanisms against body image horror slowly misfire. i rely on the gym too much.

i just want to be hot and carefree is that too much to ask? i long to not think about how my body looks. i guess the route i am taking to achieve that is a trap. the more i work on my body the more aware of it's state and minutiae i am. everything is a pitfall it seems.

in great news, julie gave me one weekend day off on both the new schedules. i have to remember to thank her next time i see her.

in terrible news, it seems israel may have just set the dominoes up for world war three. what a time to be alive.

saturday was perhaps the worst workday of my life. or at least the worst work shift in recent memory. the protest launched off at cal so everyone was swarmed outside. overwhelming on it's own, but then a million people kept coming in and asking to use the bathroom and i had to say no as steve was getting annoyed and the line to the bathroom was a million people long all day. everyone was waiting in the coffee line, which crowded the door, and it was all a fucking mess. i snapped a bit, yelled at a few people, told a couple people to go fuck themselves. it was a nightmare. love my job though bc both Kerrick and Steve were like, yeah totally understand that sucked it's cool.

i will say the diner has made me despise the elderly. #notallolds, yes, but dear god old people are the worst. like i'm sorry you clinging on to life with your decrepit claws doesn't give you special privilege to be a miserable asshole to everyone around you. i'm all for respecting my elders, they have wisdom to be listened to and learned from, but respect is a two way street. if you demand respect without giving it in return, you can go fuck yourself i refuse to treat you the way you demand.

anyways, yesterday in comparison was a breeze. even with it being father's day and crazy busy all day it was a frolic compared to saturday. i was also going off of ten hours of sleep because i went to bed at 7 pm saturday night. today is a different story. i got caught up watching mike's mic's unhinged recap of lost season 3 then went down a rabbit hole and ended up staying up until 11. still got up at 3:30 because i'm not going to be able to hit the gym tomorrow or sunday. the next two days are going to be a bit of a marathon, just because the timing of everything is inconvenient. work until 3:30/4, therapy at 5, band practice at 8, work at 7 am tomorrow, then the madame lou's show is tomorrow night. i'll be lucky if i'm able to get 6 hours tonight. but at least wednesday i have nothing all day so i can sleep in.

been feeling that lovely and intoxicating interiority lately. it's a bit dangerous since it's easy to prioritize it over being social, but man it's such a beguiling headspace to be in. i want to romanticize everything!!! rose colored lenses on!!! i've been stopping to smell the flowers i pass. halting dead in my tracks and spending the time to smell multiple flowers of the same plant, smile, then continue on my way. that's how i want to live. that's what living is for.

i'm exhausted. but i just have to get through today, then i'm pretty sure i have nothing going on tomorrow now. we were going to have a band meeting but i think that may be cancelled now. i'm not sure. i slept as much as i could last night. i got an okay 6 hours. would be doable if i hadn't fucked myself sunday night with only 5. just have to power through i guess, what choice do i have?

had therapy for the first time in about a month yesterday. almost cried. i don't think i'm doing well. like deeply, existentially. mira pointed out it sounds like i'm unhappy, and i think i am. how do i go about finding capital H happiness again? i had so much of it last year, even through all the angst. i think what's got me so tangled up now is that i don't have a carrot to dangle in front of myself. i have no big purpose ever since i've gotten burnt out on the band. is the answer to dig up my old hope for the band? is that possible? do i really see this becoming something anymore? am i jumping ship too quick? what other big purpose can i provide myself to put fuel back in my tank? i really really don't know. i just know i'm not well.

i also finally admitted in therapy how terrified i am of the future. i don't see us steering out of this descent into authoritarian fascim, israel is escalating tensions with iran, another global pandemic is inevitable, and above this all climate change hangs like a choking haze. my way of dealing with it for years has been to maintain perspective of my sphere of control, and that has worked before. but it's getting harder and harder to keep my eyes and mind from wandering to the horrors looming. i watched an analysis of that stupid alex warren song that's the biggest global hit right now by todd in the shadows and it was mostly him trying to figure out why this boring nothing song was a smash hit. he went through multiple possibilities and ultimately landed on that while maybe not in text, in genre it is christian music. he went on to point out that there are two openly christian songs on the top 100. that rattled me a bit. the current brand of american christofascism is perhaps my biggest geopolitical fear. i've developed a knee jerk fear of christians, especially since that horrible rally in cal a couple weeks ago that was just meant to provoke.

and on top of it all, it's all shit music. if you're going to stir up hate and foster authoritarianism can you at least not flood the culture with dogshit empty art. i will say there is some beautiful christian music. gospel is a moving and incredible genre. but contemporary christian music? empty and uninspired.

i just need to find a new carrot to dangle in front of myself, and fast.

it's been a surprisingly okay few days. the show tuesday went well, the turnout was okay. i got a lil too drunkie and maybe played the first half of the set a lil sloppy before locking in, but that's okay. i had multiple people come up to me to compliment my tone emphatically. that was cool. by the end of the night though i was dead on my feet. i ended up going out to get food after i got home at 11 and by the time i got home and ate i just completely collapsed. didn't set an alarm which was bliss. yesterday was a rest day. didn't go to the gym as i could sense my body needed the rest. went and got coffee and read for a while. then i walked down to at&t to upgrade my phone. i had to spend a bit to pay off the rest of my old phone and the tax, but my phone plan only went up like $4 a month which is so easy. and now i have a fancy new phone that won't be obsolete for at least 6 years. i've never had the most up to date iphone before i feel so bougie.

i saw a crow snacking on a dead rat in the park on my way home from the gym.

today leah had to cancel so i have the whole day open and i don't know what to do with the day. i know i should stay in and work on a demo and reconfiguring my pedal board, but i want to take a long walk too, maybe see a movie? i have an early bed time tonight since i need to hit the gym early early if i'm going to make the 11 am ferry to bainbridge to hang with mark tomorrow. i'm just going to play it by ear and see how i feel, it's all at my own pace.

i went on a promising date last night. conversation was fun and intriguing, strong eye contact, i asked to hang out again. we'll see.

i'm feeling unbothered today. as if the fear that's plagued me for the past weeks is off for the holiday. i don't feel the rush, the panic. i am content to meander through the day. i think it's because i know that's the antidote to what currently ails me. i just have to stave off the guilt over not being active and productive. that shouldn't be too hard.

i may write today's entry in two parts. i don't have much on my head at the moment, and i am content to keep secret from record keeping any passing thought that may drift into print. i feel i haven't really had any revalations the past 24 hours. yesterday was a lovely day all the same. i went to analog to get coffee and read. i ran into josiah and ended up sitting with him for a while and hanging out. he's a fucking hoot i want to be better friends with him he's absolutely hilarious. i then took a long meandering walk back home. i'm struggling to recall what i did after that. it wasn't really much. just watched the documentary series on Karen read. i lowkey think she is the one that killed him and just had a really good defense that was able to scatter up enough suspicious circumstance. she just got off not guilty and honestly?? good. if she did kill him, he was a cop so - cool. good deed happy she's free. if she didn't actually kill him, good, justice prevails.

that's pretty much all i did last night. i did end up playing guitar for the first time in ages. it felt nice to noodle around, even if what was produced wasn't exactly limpid. i am drawing closer to writing again, i can feel it bubbling up from below. the geyser is readying itself, i just have to listen carefully and tend to myself until the time is ready.

the guy from the date the other day hasn't texted me back. oh well.

heading over to bainbridge to hang out with mark today. very much looking forward to it, i havent been to bainbridge in ages.

- to be continued?

no, i'm already up too late. be back tomorrow.

i don't have time to add a new page, so this page gets four entries.

yesterday on bainbridge was very lovely. i took the ferry at 11:30. mark met me and we got breakfast. meandered through the shops then took the bus to the farm that he's been living at and he showed me around. it seems like a very nice and idyllic time out there. he seems pretty happy with it. the slow pace sounds beautiful. it would be cool to spend a summer doing something of that sort, if i ever get the time. or i guess, if i ever make the time.

i got home at 7 and like a fucking idiot, stayed up until 9:30 knowing damn well that i needed to get up early. i should have listened to my body because when i woke up this morning, i was just too weary and defeated. i still got up and went to the gym, but something within me just wasn't able to muster the effort. i did three sets of calf raises, and that's it. i went to go do leg press, and the weirdest thing happened. i went to go push, but something within me just refused to stir the effort. i wanted to cry. i called it and sulked out, hitting the bathroom and weighing myself before i left. back up to 190. what a miserable way to start the day. i wanted to cry, i wanted to break down. i got home and tried to nap before i had to shower for work. i was able to nap for maybe 40 minutes which isn't nothing, but i just feel like giving up. my eyes keep unfocusing, everything seems futile, the slightest task looms onerous.

why is it i always have a bad day on the solstice?

i have such a long day ahead. hosting then i have to go to ryder's graduation party. i would give anything to not go. to not have to perform for family. i don't know if i can muster. i can't cancel though, i missed ryder and johnny's birthday a few weeks ago. will spending time with family ever not feel like the heaviest obligation? does that make me a bad person?

yesterday was a slog, and i fear today is the emotional equivalent of a marines obstacle course. we're going to be shorthanded today with kaylee calling out (lowkey hope she just gets fired, she should have quit weeks ago) so i doubt i'm going to be getting a break today. poor evie is likely going to be barista-ing all by herself all day. i just hope that we can all keep our heads and keep the pace manageable to what we want it to be.

i was noticeably taciturn at the dinner last night, but i just waived it away as exhaustion, which really is what this is. luckily brian could tell i was needing an out at a point and drove me to the train station. what a mercy.

last night i woke up from a dream where a mouse was in the apartment and i kept trying to scare it away but it was oddly aggressive. i woke up to a spider dangling inches from my face. why can i not just get one good night of sleep?

there's a guy i texted with all day yesterday that i think i'm meeting up with tonight if i can muster the energy. he's intense in odd ways, but taps into that carefree candor with near strangers that always gives me a thrill. he seems to me to be maybe a little nuts, but in a way that makes me curious. he's just a bit forward in a way that i'm not used to in seattle that i find refreshing. a bit unedited in his speech(texts) that is a bit bizarre. my curiosity is piqued. hopefully at least he won't be boring.

i am unprepared for what the next 10 hours hold in their burdened arms for me. my optimism is thoroughly dashed and i fearfully expect only pain.

been seeing a lot of spiders lately, and it's causing my mind to spin. every brush i feel on my skin at home and elsewhere induces me to panic. i can't walk anywhere without getting caught in stray webs. i wish them all well and healthy lives, just far away from me and out of sight, please.

that guy ended up cancelling, which doesn't surprise me. he seems the freshly out sort, and is thus likely skittish. i've been around that block too many times and i don't really care. maybe i dodged a bullet?

work the past few days has been shockingly painless. sunday especially was a fucking breeze against all odds. no one got a break, but everything went smoothly and easily. today i'm the 9:30 so i went to the gym at my usual time then came home and napped for an hour. i'm feeling mostly ready for the day. after work i've got nothing, my plan is to take a long walk in the sun. maybe a movie? i wonder what's playing.

been feeling a lingering disinterested listlessness still. it manifests at odd irregular times. an opportunity will come up that by all means i should be axcited about and the only reaction stirring within me is detachment. i hope working less and resting more these next few weeks will fix me up. i can only hope.

been doing sort of poorly on my cut lately. though i'm still ever so slowly dropping weight. i'm hovering between 186-188 which is four pounds down, so that's not nothing. and i guess now that i think of it it's not even been four weeks, so i'm doing okay. i just hate restricting my eating, having that take up so much of my brain space. i want it to be as short of a period as it can be. i just want to be under 180 for at least two weeks, that's the goal. hopefully i'll be there by august.

i realized after looking from my notes from the past month that i'm actually right on track with the cut, i'm just dramatic and want dramatic results even though i know i am uncabaple of such things. i peaked weight wise at 194.2 on 5/24 and today just weighed in at 187.0. if i were to graph all my weigh-ins over the course of the past month it would show that i've lost 1-2 lbs a week which is exactly the goal lmao. yay! i'm on track! i have nothing to worry about and can continue on as before!

heading up to ballard to get tattooed by theo in an hour or so. getting the sun and moon on my shoulders. dreading the pain more than usual. i think because my last two tattoo sessions were numbed and i know theo doesn't like to do that so i have to bear the entirety of it. it shouldn't be too bad unless it gets too low near the top of the armpit which it probably is going to. i can bear it, they can only each be maybe an hour and change long. i think i'm going to get myself a burger tonight to reward myself for being so brave.

then tomorrow i've got to go and get my areolas tattooed on which will be intereting. my chest is still sort of numb around there so i'm not really expecting it to be terrible painful. there's still a part of me that wants a silly shape, but i'll probably just go for something natural.

i have to do all my laundry tonight after getting tattooed. it's definitely a two load job. maybe even three if i decide to do my sheets. i may be stinky and evil and put it off because i really don't want to have to do all that. it's the last chance i'll have to get it done before the weekend.

i've been so obsessed with bar italia's tracey denim that it's all i can listen to. at the gym today during my workout i just listened to the entire album twice back to back. i haven't been this enamored with an album for some time. it's a really lovely feeling.

i feel so listless and full of dread at every task ahead. i just want to quit everything, throw my phone into the ocean, and hop on a train to chicago or something. i want to quit the band, i want to cut everyone off, i don't want to be responsible for anything. i feel so tapped out and it just never ends and there's just never enough time and i'm just never doing enough.

mary's goth night is tonight and i really really do not want to go. i'm just going to text her that i'm having a bad mental health day and can't make it. who cares if she blows up at me, i haven't seen her in almost a year! i don't have to worry about it anymore! there's a reason i phased her out of my life and it's because she causes me insane amounts of anxiety. i can't let myself be driven entirely by anxiety and obligation. that's no way to live.

everything seems miserable today.

i got tattooed yesterday at theo's new place. he's built a shop in his basement and it's really cool. i was actually the first to be tattooed there! he ended up charging me less than i expected. that's actually such good news bc i've been bad with money lately.

i have to run by the post office and mail off a record to Don from avalanche on the way to the tattoo appointment later. i think i'm going to hit analog on the way and get a coffee and cheese roll. why not. i'm not looking forward to the areola tattoos, the sensitivity on my chest is so odd post surgery i have no idea what it's going to feel like. wish me luck, i fear i'm going to need it.

at least i will be able to come home from it and have laundry done and be able to go to bed early. i need to get a good 8 hours since this weekend is going to be so crazy. why does life have to keep happening? can't things just stop for a fucking moment. i've grown so resentful over all my obligations, and i don't know what to do. am i unhappy? how can i change things? where is the contentedness that i so cherished last year? what's so different now? is it jsut that i'm burnt out or is there some underlying malnutrition of the spirit? looking forward to therapy monday.

i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i want to break things i want to freak out i want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off i want to destroy my phone i want to quit the band i want to quit my job i want to self destruct so bad. i've just been crying all morning and i have to go to fucking work and it's all so fucking stupid and pointless and i don't have the capactiy . i don't know what to do i'm not getting better and i'm just getting so exhausted at having to hold it together. i have no margin of failure at the moment/ i just dont want to do it.

have to go to work

still feeling dog shit, though last night was fun. work was bearable and went by fast enough. then last night started out miserable and i almost left (anxiety drove me to get to mosswood early before Lola and Evie who ended up taking way longer than expected and so i was sitting, waiting, drinking in a corner by myself in a mostly empty venue for an hour), but it was redeemed by Lola and Evie. i adore those two.

yesterday morning i had a full meltdown while getting ready. the saniderm on my nipple tattoos kept fucking up in the shower and i ran through what i had left of what Jess had given me which freaked me out, and i just spiraled. i couldn't stop sobbing. i'm at my breaking point and i don't know what to do. i just feel so eroded and worn out. i don't care about anything. everything seems so pointless and drained of color. i am resentful and reactive and i have no idea how to dig myself out of it all. it just never ends and i never have time to rest. there's not enough time and i'm at a loss. if i don't do something soon my grip preventing me from a blaring self destructive drive won't be able to hold.

work today is going to be hell, but at least there's a cocktailer. and i don't fucking care in the first place about work at the moment. things will go at my pace and no faster. people will get the exact energy given reflected back to them. maybe even worse!! who cares!! i sure don't.

i don't even know what to write, my mind keeps trailing off and i can't be bothered.

i'm begging the universe for relief.

last day of the month!!! what a weird month!!! dear god i hope i turn my crisis/crashout/burnout around soon!!!

saturday was a blast. work went by smoothly enough (a mercy) and i ran home to change. then i hit Jerry and ian's party. the weather was nice, i was dressed hot, and in a mood for revelling. jack was in town and i had a good conversation with him. saw benton for the last time before he leaves the city. also met his friend and coworker megan who was hilarious but she's also leaving the city :( we had a wonderful running bit the whole night about gil baker being the gay betsy johnson and also being asexual. every call back had me cutting up. always adore finding someone who is willing to yes and a bit into the ground.

that guy that i made out with that pissed of lorenzo all those weeks ago was there and he was really on me. in a way i didn't know how to diplomatically turn down because i was drunk, but also because i don't think there is a kind way to entirely shut things like that down that aren't wildly impolite. i tried to give him nothing but nevertheless he persisted. he said something that really gave me the ick that i think is of note. i was trying to split and he followed me to go see how long the line to union was. as we were walking through a narrow walk way i was complaining about slow walkers and he said something along the lines of, "well just push through, it's your right as a man". ew. i went on a diatribe about how gross i think behavior like that is, and he tried to counter with some very macho stuff but it was the nail in the coffin. his outfit was also absolute tacky trash. i just know that every time i see him at a function now he's going to be hounding me and i am filled with some dread at the prospect.

to shake him i noticed i had a call from leah, and she invited me to meet up with her, alex, juliet, and kat at the wash. i was grateful for the out and i dipped with the quickness. linked up with them at the wash and had a grand old time. had a really lovely heart to heart with leah. we made plans to hang out tonight but we were both so sloppy at that point in the night i need to double check with her lol. anyways after that i noticed my mom had tried to call me so i wandered around on the phone with her and talked. turns out grampi is almost half a million in on a crypto scam that he took out a second mortgage for. fucking insane.

ended the night with some dick's burgers and crashed.

sunday was much more lowkey. woke up around 9 and took my time. wandered down to analog and sat and read for an hour and listened to alright, still. ran by home to drop my book off and texted jerry to see what he was planning. he said something vague about pony later. i decided to pass the time wandering around. meandered my way downtown and on a whim decided to see what was playing. saw brokeback mountain had a showing at 4:10 and on impulse bought a ticket. walked down and spent 30 seconds watching the parade. took the train back up the hill to kill time before the movie. ate some food at home then headed back out. listened to be the cowboy on loop to get in the headspace. cried my eyes out and left the movie feeling forlorn. but an intentional forlorn. i feel i've been really indulging at mapping out the contours of my loneliness lately. don't know if that's good or bad. texted jerry to see where he was at and took a long meandering route back. got bok a bok and still hadn't heard from jerry. decided to just call it a night and get to bed early so i could go to the gym today. right as i got home and undressed i heard back. i saw on everyone's stories it looked fun, i wish i had gone out. that's okay.

i need to do some writing to explore my loneliness. loneliness maybe isn't the right term. yearning? desire? it's getting loud again and i'm frustrated.

anyways, goodbye june. i had a terrible time this year. though thinking historically, june is usually the apotheosis of my mental health declines. hopefully that means july is looking up.