another new month, and i still find myself scrabbling to lift myself from a lingering depression. it seems every time i have managed to hoist myself up a ledge i am confronted with another wall to scale to reach level ground. i thought i was progressing for the longest time but last week really felt like rock bottom in my brain. i'm just so sick and tired of disinterest and boredom. made all the worse by my severely diminished capacity for adveristy or struggle. i know that i must learn to find wonder and joy in the struggle, as i have known it before. but i have checked all the usual places, and i find all my cabinets empty. i rummage through old keepsakes and manuals only to find dust and malaise. i just want to freak out. i feel the allure of explosion calling so seductively. i want to detonate everything i can, in the hopes that something will fall into place. that i'll be able to divine in the rubble some meaning or direction like one would read tea leaves. but i can't. i simply don't have the option. i know better.

it's sunny today, summer is officially here. the high isn't below seventy for the ten day forecast. trying to not let the old dread filter in. i'm a summer person now. i enjoy direct sunlight. sweating can be a a joy and a reminder of embodiment. that's what i keep telling myself. eventually i'll believe it.

getting coffee with colton's friend Hannah who i haven't seen since he left the city. i'm really excited, she's an absolute hoot and makes me laugh every time i see her.

had a good session with Mira yesterday. it was helpful even if we were retreading old territory. through it though i was struck by the epiphany that this is the first time since i was 19 that i've not been in some state of transition. started transitioning at 19, detransitioned at 24, and i think i've achieved detranstion at this point so where does that leave me? i don't really know as of now, but it's something to chew on, mull over. am i stagnant? is that a bad thing? i've been messaging some new guy this morning and i mentioned the fear and that it gets me and he in response says that he often gets what he calls the itch which is a killer name for the feeling. complex existential boredom? i can't quite put to words what it entails, but it struck on something i've been trying to describe my whole life. more things to kick around in my head these coming days.

woke up with a fractured will today. a stagnant inertia. i dragged myself into stretching and getting ready for the gym, only to realize a block away i wouldn't be able to lift even the slightest weight. i don't have the substance to do so, i would only feebly press and move nothing. in tears i steered myself home and here i find myself. i don't know what to do. i think i'm going to become presentable and go read poetry at a coffee shop. i'm going to leave my phone at home. i don't want to be reached. i resent being responsible to anyone.

it was nice to see hannah yesterday. had a really good talk, and she inspired me to buy a book of mary oliver's poetry. i cut the hang out short at two hours however. my voice was straining and i was deflating. i don't know why i didn't push through. it seems push is not something i'm quite capable of at the moment.

i have band practice tonight. and all of me wants to quit the band. i just don't care anymore. it's become such an avenue of guilt, dread, and anxiety. when did that turn? what can i do? i can't quit, because i am beholden to everyone else's hopes and dreams as they are tied up in the project. i just can't be moved to fucking care. it seems so pointless, and i hate that i can't contribute anything, i hate that i haven't been able to create for months, and all of this just makes me feel more guilt, making me feel more suffocated. it's a vicious feedback loop that only accelerates as i grow more and more panicked. maybe if i took a break from it. i might ask if after the show on the 10th if i can take a month off for my mental health. maybe i can ask them tonight. i'm giving up on the music video. i don't have the momentum to even attempt. i just want to wither and disappear. i wish i could find a clone to sleight of hand replace myself within the band. i just don't care about it anymore.

i just don't care about anything anymore.

all of my hopes and dreams only inspire fear in me.

and i'm just so terrified that all my naivete and hope was stupidity and lying to myself.

what now?

another bad morning. got up to go to the gym after a night of terrible sleep. got through chest press and shoulder press, saw that there was someone at the chest fly machine, and so i just gave up. cried all the way home. how can i steer myself out of this if not even my hobbies can save me?

i did sort of redeem it by setting an alarm for 30 minutes and playing guitar for that time. i didn't come up with any riffs, but i realized yesterday a possible medicine for my current predicament may be playing guitar every day again. it's been so long, and it would be so good for me in so many ways.

yesterday was good until it wasn't. i guess i had a good hour or two. i went to analog (left my phone at home) with a book of mary oliver's poetry and some sad cds. Kristian came by and for some reason decided to sit and talk to me, which wasn't really invited but that's okay i guess. i should be social. after that, the music inside was too loud so i went and sat outside and just sat and listened to strange mercy and shade while reading the occasional poem. it was lovely. there were so many finches about and it was perfect to just sit and be mindful. but then life came in again and i had to scurry off to get my hair cut.

hair cut is fine, i'll adjust to it in the next few days.

i was supposed to do laundry after that, but again i went to reach for the will to animate me and came upon absolutely nothing. i decided to nap, but i wasn't tired, so i just ended up dozing and tossing in bed miserably for two stupid wasted hours. stupid stupid stupid. now i still have to do fucking laundry.

band practice was a bore and a drudgery. i don't fucking care about it anymore and i just want out. stupid stupid stupid.

work today, hopefully it's mostly painless. all that can be begged for at this point, merciful sparing from pain.

i can tell i'm at a crisis in mental health because i fucked with my phone again. disabled all push notifications from even the phone app so that i am unreachable. have been leaving it at home. i plan to leave it at home when i go to work. left it at home when i went to band practice. i think i want it to live at home except when i go to the gym. keep it in it's place. i also ruined instagram, made it unentertaining. unfollowed every meme account, most news accounts, and anyone i didn't need to follow. now it's just earnest posts from people i know in my feed and who cares about that. on top of that i reset my content preferences so my explore tab will be nothing that interests me. why? to what end? what is anything for? what can i hope to achieve with anything?

beginning to only be able to believe nothing.

i feel so pathetic with all of these cries for help, as dostoevsky says these crafty moans meant to inspire concern, pity, or sympathy. i understand that we are communal creatures and are being suffocated by alienation and hyper-individuality, but i can't help but refuse to ask for help. what would help actually look like that wouldn't feel like pity? what could anyone do for me? i must drag myself out of this with a grin and simply bear it. one day in the future i will look back in my wake and see that i have healed the wound for the time being and feel relief. i won't know until that day comes, and until then i just have to continue to limp along in the pathetic ways that i am forced to. stupid stupid stupid.

feeling marginally better today? i think? i'm pretty sure. still feeling my well of will waning, lacking. but i, maybe naively, can hear some trickling in and raising the water line. it can't get any emptier, can it?

i couldn't stop thinking yesterday how frustrating it is to be back at this point after so many years. i really thought that i had built enough fail safes to prevent this descent repeating. i guess not. is there ever going to be any time that i will be safe from recurrence? a deeply troubling thought.

yesterday work was miserable. i could barely function. and of course so many people noticed and showered me with sympathy. very kind and caring of them, but i am incapable of not feeling patronized, of not viewing it as pity and reacting with aversion. i should work on that, but i just don't know how. it makes me feel like a sucker, a mark.

decided to post on instagram that i am stepping away from my phone and will respond to anything when i get around to it. that was probably a mistake because now i have a million messages to get through. but i guess i really don't. i could respond to them next week and it would be fine. i said as much that i would get to them when i get to them. i'm going to let them sit for as long as i feel like it. i just have to combat the guilt. but isn't that what i'm trying to shake with this? the guilt and obligation i feel constantly?

it's fourth of july today, which sucks because the outfit i really wanted to wear today happens to be red, white, and blue. have to pivot and wear something else. what a serious struggle.

not taking my phone to work yesterday was interesting. i found i barely missed it. i'm going to bring a book today for my break as that was the only time i really felt i missed having distraction. otherwise it was so easy and refreshing. and to be free of the portal to worry that the phone has come to represent, what a relief. i find my hand going to my back pocket all too often, but that's a habit i can shake with enough time. hopefully i can make this a semi-permanent habit. fucking stupid that i upgraded my phone right before this. whatever.

it's going to be so busy today with the holiday i haven't the spirit to manage the hordes of stupid idiot customers. of having to perform cheer. it's times like these that i wish i had a desk job. but let's be real, if i had a desk job i'd be dead by now.

yesterday ended up being lovely and i feel a bit restored. work was busy but manageable. we did over 9k which will be cool come paycheck time. i talked to evie and molly because they had plans to go out with emma and josh to a house show and then drinks after to watch the fireworks. i sort of agreed to go, not to the house show (lemon boy was playing and i find them so corny) but to drinks after. i planned to take a nap then go. i dutifully went home and napped, but when i woke up i realized i did not want to socialize. so i left my phone at home, and went to captain black's with the beautiful room is empty and some melancholy cds. had two aperol spritz over the course of an hour and a half and got through the first third of the book when hunger struck. decided to head to lil woodys and get a burger before the fireworks. they were tragically closed, so i wandered up to lost lake and got a burger and a beer. ran by home to get a sweater and drop off my book. swung by city market and got a tall boy of that lovely blackberry sage cider and made my way down melrose.

it was fun to be alone in a crowd celebrating. it's one of my favorite feelings. moving through a crowd alone, especially with headphones, is such a curious state. one that i highly prize. nothing worse than being part of a group within a crowd. having to slow your own pace (everyone walks so dreadfully slow, and for what??), pay attention to where everyone is, decide directions, corral stragglers. i don't really care to do any of that.

fireworks were a spectacle as always. i forgot how deeply tied with excitement and joy the scent of spent fireworks is. every time i got a whiff of it warmth and nostalgia swept around me.

then to top it all off, gym was dead this morning and i had a lovely back and biceps day. thank god.

is the answer to my predicament nourishing time alone? how much is too much? this whole no notifications/keeping my phone at home has been fucking bliss. i plan to keep it up as long as i possibly can.

been doing some thinking about pride and what a limiting force it is for me. i haven't historically viewed myself as a prideful person, but i'm realizing many of my social quirks stem from pride. particularly the ones that have dug me this pit i find myself in. examples: i never make the first move (admitting desire is admitting a lack which is embarrassing and should be avoided at all costs), i rarely reach out to friends aside from sending memes, my snobbishness in regards to taste and appearance, my playful guardedness. i believe a lot of these stem from a childish mechanism that i'm going to try to articulate. one that i am dangerously guilty of. if i have an emotional or psychological need that can't easily be met, requires vulnerability or dependence, or relies on another person showing up i will refuse to ask for it and instead take painstaking measures to perform aloofness. as if to say, "oh that? i never actually needed it and i don't want it." it's all so silly and comes down to pride. i have such a fear of seeming pathetic and needy that i am willing to languish rather than ask for help. i think common advice would dictate that i change, but the thought of risking being pathetic is so deeply abhorrent to me i don't think i ever will.

and to my own detriment, i like it like that. i always figure it out. does that mean i'm more likely to die alone and suffer? of course. a risk i'm willing to take. no one can ever know the depth of my need, even if it is common place and deeply human. irrational pride necessitates the way of thinking that i can rise above it, will it out of myself with enough dexterity and emotional alchemy.

i sound insane.

was woken up at 2 am by fireworks, which continued intermittently for the next hour preventing me from rest. i hope whoever was traipsing around the neighborhood lighting them off lost a fucking hand in an explosion. or blinded themselves.

i've been wishing evil and calamity upon people too much lately. that's probably bad luck. so what that sometimes when an old man is rude to me i beseech the universe to give him prostate cancer? what else can i do?

yesterday was a bit grueling. work left me feeling hectic and frantic, then i had to immediately pivot to a family call. it ended up actually being really nourishing. i had a good one on one with megen and it really helped clear my mind a bit.

wow i'm way more tired than i thought. i'm dozing off. may today have mercy on me.

work where i'm training nova to host, then band practice. hopefully i can get a restful nap in between. i'm actually going to try to get a quick 20 before i have to start getting ready.

thing i realized yesterday about new "phone stays home" lifestyle: no new pictures for the blog. i think i need to use this as an opportunity to fall in love with film photography again. i just need to figure out how to carry my camera around again. i might need a new bag. or maybe i can just have it on the strap around the same shoulder as bag? if i only carried two cds around couuld i fit it in my bag? lots of experimenting to do. i think i'm going to go buy a roll of film after work.

yesterday was a foiled day. not entirely, but in a sense. work was fine if boring, then after work i rushed home to get a nap in before band practice. woke up bleary as hell from my nap only to see we weren't having band practice because abby had to be with noah to get stitches for a cut on their hand. oh well, that's okay. but i now had just napped and had a whole evening, what was i to do? i watched a documentary, got bok a bok, then watched a contrapoints essay. just felt like a rather pointless day. i did play guitar for quite some time though. bass too. i've been holding up my end of the bargain of reading every day and playing guitar every day. tomorrow marks a week of the habit and i need to keep it going.

i woke up this morning to go to the gym and was so tired i could barely function. with it being a 9 am work day, i would have had to get up, go to the gym, come home and nap for an hour or so, then get up and get ready. i decided, fuck it i'm going to sleep until 7 and get rested. do i feel a little bad? maybe. but between the nap and getting to bed an hour later than i should have, i just wanted sleep. and i could tell my body needed it. i was weary in my bones. that's okay though, i have no plans tonight so i can get to bed properly early. and it's kind of perfect in the sense that puts the next rest day as saturday when i'll be hungover from blog rave. it all works out i guess.

not many complex thoughts in my head this morning. not much to ponder i suppose. been feeling ambivalent towards the apps the past week with the phone stays home thing, it's hard to keep up with anyone to get a conversation going. also since notifications are turned off i find myself pulling it up every time i check my phone which makes me feel so pathetic. i know in my heart of hearts that i am never going to connect with someone through them, it's going to have to happen in real life. i just have to game the probability and be out in public places as much as possible. should i just delete them then?

yesterday passed without any real incident. work was mercifully slow, and beyond grocery shopping on my way home i had nothing to accomplish. thank god, because it was hot as its been all summer yesterday. i had ambition to go out and find a shady spot to read, but i found my will partially melted from the day and i decided to rest in my shuttered apartment. it was an okay evening. played guitar, read a bit, continued on my rewatch of contrapoint's old videos. went to bed at a reasonable time and slept through. how thrilling.

i actually followed through on leg day today and did the full routine. tried a different hip thrust machine than the one i normally use, and i think i may phase out leg press in favor of a different movement soon. i need to shake things up.

i've been doing a lot of thinking about how potentially delusional my ideas and ideals about dating are at the moment. am i creating these specificities as barriers because i don't actually want a relationship? am i letting fear shape the limits of my desires? i am continually running into the realization that i must be forward if i am to cross any distance, but i struggle to not resent that reality. why can't i make myself as desirable as possible until i can play the perfect coquette, object entire? is it delusional and insane to believe that i can play the perfect hansel & gretel and leave a thrilling crumb trail of codes and clues signalling covert interest until a man i am sufficiently into decides to dimly follow?

i've been rereading and annotating the beautiful room is empty and there were a few passages that struck me. he talks about having fantsies that love would be chivalrous, that even through his flaws a suitor would come along and be able to see to the core. he obliquely ends the paragraph with "the medievalism of my imagination was not sufficiently up-to-date to recognize that the lover was a shopper and i a product." only a few pages later though, after getting into rigorous shape he questions, "i now wonder whether my transformation wasn't a capitulation to a dangerous commodity psychology." i worry i follow a similar thought process, but i don't know where to start the untangling. i know it at least begin at untangling my shallowness and dependence on visual attraction. always has been a trait i find distastefully masculine within myself but have never been able to unlearn. is it because i'm so image obsessed coming from my social background of suburban utah? is it really so bad to only want to date someone i'm genuinely attracted to? even if that is a narrow type? i can't help but think so, even if i know that is self serving hypocrisy.

is it too much to demand to be object? to refuse subjectivity in romantic manners? i've long operated under the assumption that if i just get hot enough, get fit enough, dress well enough, lead an interesting enough exciting enough life, that i will be blessed with the privilege of playing the easy role of coquettish object to suitable suitors. i guess the fuck now. and i know articulating it it sounds plainly insane, but don't think i don't know that. my frustration is like that of a child finding out that the world does not work in the way it had wished. i stubbornly, to my own detriment, refuse to change tack. even if that means languishing in a frustrated singleness for the rest of my life, oh well.

i'm being a defeatist, but give me this. i will adapt in time. hopefully. i've been this way for years and i don't really wish to change.

i've also been interrogating why exactly i want a partner. especially if i am to leave the city in a little over a year. what will i do then? is it just animal instinct that's driving me to seek one out? why do i feel i must need a higher reasoning to respect the drive? at my most uncharitable, it all just reeks of petulance which i deride as pathetic. i can be better than than, i demand of myself that i must be better than that.

and this only heightens my suspicion that pride is the root of too many of my unhelpful tendencies.

also i ask, is it healthy to spend this much time mapping my own psychology? i know i'm self-obsessed, but i worry this is just too much.

i know no other way.

where do i even begin? emma is sick and can't play tonight and she offered that josh could fill in. i selfishly want to just drop the show entirely, but it seems abby is intent on playing. i just got out of the shower and i am just feeling resigned. it's moments like these that crystallize my desire to quit the band. though i feel like such a petulant baby, any adversity and i'm finding my exits. typical. why can't we just drop the show who the fuck cares. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i don't want to do any of it. i don't want to have to play a set with a fill in drummer, i just want to drop the bill. genuinely who cares? i know the other two bands can still play a bill, a two band bill is just fine. the draw we would have brought would being lost would be negated by our not needing to be paid. if i cared more i could be adaptable. but i couldn't care less.

i say we just pare down to like three songs and call it at that. and at that point why play at all??? why not play zero songs and save everyone the wasted effort. all to play sunset tavern? in ballard? be so for real it does not fucking matter. i just texted abby and lola in a separate thread voicing my doubt and lack of desire to play tonight. i really fucking hope they agree with me. i don't want to play in the slightest.

i'm going to kms abby and lola aren't backing down how dreadful. i want to curl up and die and just quit on the spot. i feel dead inside and just so terribly resentful of the whole situation and burden the band has become. heartbreaking considering that for two years it was my pride and reason for living. now it's just a concrete albatross drowning me.

abby just came over to pep talk me and that's very sweet of her and i get she's trying her best but i don't know how to tell her i don't care. i know she's also feeling so worn thin, so what is propelling her to try so hard? i cannot understand in my current state.

well now i have to go get ready to go play a shitty set that i didn't want to play in the first place even if we didn't have a fill in drummer. if anything else goes awry i'm dowsing myself in lighter fluid and lighting myself ablaze on stage.

all i want is to sit in a park and read for a million years in stasis until i am well again. would that even heal me?

so much to update on, i'm going to try to keep it as concise as possible.

the show actually went really well. or at least the set did. everything else was annoying, but abby was a great friend and talked me off the ledge. we ended up playing a drummerless set and it was really well received and it sounded great. i'm happy we followed through even if it was such a stressor and strain on my sanity. the touring band was corny as hell though.

friday was a blast. work went by mostly painlessly. came home and immediately went to sleep. woke up around 8 to get ready for blog rave. evie ended up inviting ian and molly which was genius. it made the night so much more complete and wonderful. we revelled, we danced, we laughed, we capered, we had so much fun. turns out molly is sick though, so i'm potentially staring down the barrel of going through whatever she currently has which i'm dreading. i shared a buzzball with her, so i definitely have it. i just hope i have a stronger immune system than her and it's easy to weather. even if not it will be well worth it. last night was just what i needed.

on to today: woke up fairly early for a date with a guy i've been talking to for a few days. he's a sailor!!!! well he works for the sailors union and occasionally does contracts with the merchant marines. still so hot and drama. anyways, date went okay i think? we just got coffee and hung out in the park. he's a very quiet guy, so i had to temper my usual talking speed and intensity so he could get a word in. he's a very deliberate talker and he takes time to chew on something before he responds. it took me about a half an hour to adapt to.

anyways, date wraps up and i text evie about it. she's free and we go to analog to hang out. run into alyssa there and all three of us hang out and talk for a few hours. i had texted the sailor that i had a good time and would love to hang out again, and he texted me and said i'm cute!! i called him handsome and asked when he was free! thrilled i left evie and alyssa to walk down to the movie (i had bought a ticket to see 28 years later) with a bounce in my step and filled with daydreams. get to the movie, sit in my seat and decide to check my phone one last time. sailor texted me back "also love your belly"... what the fuck???? i responded with a thank you and said i've been trying to embrace it lately, mentioned that i got it tattooed. but now i'm feeling a little warped about it. what an odd thing to say after a first date?? and the worst part!!!! he hasn't responded since!!!! it's been four hours what the hell i am being tested by venus i swear. stay tuned for updates i guess.

if he does hit me back up though i'm absolutely seeing him again. he's so hot and have i mentioned he's a sailor!? he told me that when he takes contracts they're usually for four months. can you imagine the melodrama (if we start dating which i've already begun constructing elaborate daydreams about) of having a sailor boyfriend out at sea for months at a time? i would eat that shit up oh my god what a dream.

the sailor was in my dream last night. we were walking hand in hand in an abandonded city and we confessed our fears to each other before being confronted by a shadowy specter. an old man warned us to turn back before the shadow began it's pursuit. it woke me up and i didn't get back to sleep until 1 am.

still haven't heard back and i find myself heartbroken about it. it's so silly and i did it to myself, but isn't that my usual? isn't that what i want? to embody and create melodrama. mission accomplished. can't wait to make a brutally sad and longing playlist to listen to for the next week as i camp it up for the audience (me). turning lemons into lemonade, turning disappointment into an elaborate melodrama, an opportunity to pout and yearn. never tell me i'm not an opportunist and an optimist.

still it's another frustration seemingly exactly in line and pattern with the last. i guess it is driving me to play subject a little more. the drive is growing, largely out of frustration and annoyance. why is everyone so afraid to get silly and passionate and elaborate with me? oh well, back to searching, hopefully a little more proactive this time. as the sundays stated in the sacred text "summertime" - "get up a voice inside says, there's no use in looking down." but also like her, i ask myself, "have i read too much fiction, is this how it happens?" time will tell, surely.

not looking forward to work today. another sunday, another endless cascade of maddening customers. i set the pace, and i don't feel like doing anything with any amount of urgency today. i am in mourning after all.

the ok bucko show at cha cha is tonight but with sleeping like shit and working monday + tuesday, i'm not sure i can spare the sleep. i guess if i sleep immediately after work until 7:30 then run over there that might work. i guess it all depends on how the day goes.

leaving my phone at home today and hoping beyond all hope that i come back home to a response. i'm not terribly hopeful, but how can i not indulge in doomed yearning?

wouldn't this all be so silly if it ends up working out?

i'm thinking of deleting all my dating apps. i realized, they're games not tools. made for profit to steal my attention as long as possible. and i'm just frustrated with myself by how often i check them. i think they also keep me in a loop of always thinking about dating fruitlessly.

okay i was feeling impulsive i just deleted them. i feel unburdened. maybe also a little anxious. i think i've been to preoccupied by thoughts of romantic fantasy that it's been obfuscating everything else i could be putting myself towards. is this all just a cope? either way, dating apps only serve to frustrate and to steal my attention and time. and if i were to demand from life what i really want, an origin story of meeting on an app is not it. i want meet cute!!! i want destiny!! i want fate!! even if that means my patience must continue to stretch.

do i even need to say that the sailor never texted me back? he's never going to, and clearly that's for the best. jess tried to convince me to text him. her reading of it was positive, but i think that's naively optimistic. i refuse to humiliate myself at the feet of a man that is giving me nothing. i'd live for the drama of humiliating myself at the feet of a man who at least was giving me drama and narrative and intrigue. that would be a worthy rocky shore to throw myself upon to be cut to ribbons. but to do so for someone who is giving me nothing at all? get real. he doesn't deserve my melodrama. he would be so lucky.

i went with evie and ian to shakespeare in the park yesterday and saw a midsummer night's dream and the taming of the shrew. it was silly and fun, and i'm happy i went. it was a good diversion for a hot sunny day. i am disappointed in myself, i brought my phone to keep checking it in a vain hope. i am trying in this moment to be compassionate for yesterday's campbell, but i am struggling. i understand though. as this latest episode has ended it is narratively unfulfilling. and not just that, a slap in the face and a minor humiliation. oh well, at least i got to see live art and spend a day in the park with good friends.

i ask myself, i beseech the universe, where are the yearners? how can i find them? at least ones that would be suitable suitors. i know a barrier to this is my shallowness, but i don't think my bar is terribly high. i'm recircling old territory. i've written about this a million times already. i'm just so tired of it all and perhaps pathetically want a boyfriend. this energy and emotion and drive would be better served redirected to better efforts. but i fear in doing so i would only be sublimating my own frustrated desires. and that those repressed frustrations would become icebergs to sink my ships. dangerous waters.

i just want tenderness and drama.

not much time to write this, so there's going to be four entries on this page, there are no rules.

ew jesus christ google just prompted me to use AI to write. gross. leave me alone ai can choke i hope every server in the world wipes.

anyways, i'm doing okay. it's hot, summer is here, but for the first time i'm adjusting. we'll have to see how i do tomorrow (it's supposed to hit 90) and the week after, but who knows. maybe i really manifested becoming a summer person.

dreading work today, molly is still out sick so it might just be two servers. if it is i'm going to cry and melt down.

had an okay session with mira yesterday. i ended up spending 60% of it talking about romance and dating though. how embarrassing. i really need to disinvest myself from romance and dating, it's getting out of hand and wasting my time. and i'm just retreading a lot of the same territory. it's high time i figure my shit out and grow out of it. i can't even remember what else we talked about. she did commend me on the phone thing, and i really think i'm going to stick with it as long as possible. she mentioned she hasn't had a cell phone for three years. she just uses her ipad for work calls and that's it. she's so cool. we commiserated about noticing how unable to be bored the people around us are. silly silly silly.

band meeting tonight at emma's place. two of the bands on the grenade bunny comp are now potentially radioactive in the scene so we have to decide if we want to drop it, how we want to move forward. i hate social politics sometimes. i guess when they are real and complicated and i actually have to live through them and untangle them. why can't i just exist in the abstract?

the heat is ratcheting up and i am begging myself to continue to adapt as i have been surprising myself. i have been enduring the heat rather pleasantly, much to my own shock. i guess heat is a lot easier to endure when youre not wear a binder with two layers of polyester. summer is much more bearable when you are not actively hiding your body.

work yesterday was odd. working at a diner has given me such a disdain for the elderly. it's something i know i need to work on, as unchecked it could lead to some not great opinions, but man they make awful customers. i respect my elders, only when they don't treat me like absolute dog shit. i know i am saying this with all the folly and unwisdom of a young person, but i don't want to live into extreme old age. i don't think i can face the horror of my body slowly failing me. i demand that death come for me quick and unforseen. the thought of a long drawn out sunset fills me with dread. i think that's why the cult in midsommar seemed so appealing to me. kill yourself at 72 in an act of respect and honor for life and community? doesn't sound half bad to me.

had a band meeting that went pretty well. i feel my passion for the band unthawing. we talked about the art show, which i feel like i am entirely unable to contribute to. i need to communicate more clearly to abby that it's not a lack of enthusiasm (a lie to myself and her) but more i don't know how to contribute and am asking to just do the grunt work. i feel like that's all i can contribute. we talked about planning a west coast tour for march or april which could be fun. will we actually follow through? time will tell.

Leah and alex texted me to let me know they were at St. John's when i was at the band meeting, so i decided to go and get a drink with them before calling the night to a close. and i am very happy i did. i need to be more open to spontaneity like that, especially in summer. i'm really happy to report that they're both doing extremely well. Leah just got a new gig at a haitian coffee shop run by a haitian lesbian couple that focuses on activism and carribean community in seattle. i could not imagine a better job for leah, she is over the moon about it. and alex is finally seeing a decent guy!! and it seems like it's for real this time, not just alex's naive optimism!! also he's mad hot, i saw pictures.

but the biggest news (selfishly to me) is that leah set me up with one of her regulars. it started as a joke that we're doppelgangers, but she showed my picture to him and he asked if i was single. when she showed me his picture that was my first question too. i think the doppelganger accusations just come from both having a similar mustache, but i told her to give him my number. he texted me last night and we're going to make plans to hang out. she said he's a yapper with a big imagination (an aquarius i love air signs) so at least it hopefully won't be a boring date. he's sober which could be a really good thing. he's also a swimmer (fit as fuck) which is something we could connect about. he hasn't texted me back this morning though... it's silly how at any provocation i fan the furious flames of hope and let them burn me to the ground.

yesterday was so hot, but a good day. woke up and went to the gym early, then took a nap. got up, showered then went to analog with evie. talked a lot about the guy she is stuck on from may and i was devil advocate and argued that she should text him. it's better to know and get finality and closure, but i think i was being a bit bullish. i told her about the guy Leah had given my number to. (who still hasn't texted me back even though i double texted him and uh it's all so dumb and pointless. feeling my hope shrivel. sometimes hope feels like an opiate, the withdrawals are worse than the high.) then Emma came by and we got to catch up with her!! what a treat. we're maybe going to karaoke friday night. i actually need to text them both and see if they actually want to go out friday. evie went with emma and lola to go swimming and invited me, but for some reason i declined. i don't know why honestly, it probably would have been nice to go. but that's okay. i spent the window in between analog and practice in my air conditioning watching a very thorough and hilariously petty and spiteful debunking of a homophobic historian's assertion that homosexuality was univerally frowned upon in the entirety of the roman empire except a small window 200 b.c. - 200 a.d..

band practice was nice, we just ran through "close to me" a couple times then jammed. we actually wrote the beginnings of two seeds that may bloom into something interesting. the practice space was so oppressively hot that none of us lasted very long. but it was the most exciting practice in months.

i plan on taking today to try and bang out a new demo. it's been almost a year since i wrote low tide (7.28) and it's high time i tap back in to it. i'm going to go to analog and hang out for a bit first. also have to stop by the post office to mail off the record for dad since it's been weeks and i feel horrible. it's okay he'll understand. i think that's going to be my entire day. taking it very easy.

yesterday was a lovely. idle and idyllic. if a little isolated. that's okay. come to think of it i don't think beyond cursory and necessary interactions i talked to a single soul yesterday.

but i slept in, took a rest day. decided since i had just gotten paid to go to elliott bay and get a new book. ended up with two: a beautiful little pocket collection of classic gay poetry (to keep in my bag at all times when i need poetry) and cruising by alex espinoza. it's a lovely little book that drew me in immediately. it's half prosaic ode to cruising, half researched look into the etymology, origin, history and modes of cruising. i took it down to analog and nabbed my usual spot. spent about an hour and a half there devouring the book before i took a long meandering walk around the hill.

picked up groceries then landed home to take care of laundry and try to write some music. got laundry done and ended up unsuccessful in writing anything i liked, but i did succeed in devoting myself to playing for almost four hours. even though nothing came of it, i still nurtured the skills and wandered through my garden of creativity. stumbled upon some potential threads that i'm sure i will expand on later. i've been finding as of late so much of what i end up playing is dreamy big chords with no cathartic resolutions. bit cathartic resolutions just feel so contrived and unoriginal whenever i reach for them. but that leads to songs and structures that lack impact. i'll find a new progression or melody to build upon soon, i can feel it under the surface ready to sprout.

i ended the day with walking down to union to get some food and beer (and look cute at a bar). ended up staying for an hour and a half and getting through two beers to finish cruising. it felt so triumphant and thrilling to find a book and finish it in a day, it's been a long time since that last occurred. and with a non-fiction book no less! over 200 pages!! i'm proud of myself. all in all a beautiful way to amble easy through a free day.

i'm off tomorrow and trying to find something to do tonight. i want to go to a drag race viewing at a bar, but i fear they're all going to be packed with it being the finale. maybe i should anyways. if only i had someone to go with but jerry's out of town.

i've run out of pictures not that i'm not taking my phone outside. these two are from last fall. i really need to get on using my camera. or get a little digital. that might be a bit better, given i'll be able to carry it around. i also need to start thinking about a winter bag for when it starts raining so my discman doesn't get destroyed.

yesterday was an interesting day. only partially i guess. work was work, it was very busy. but you'll never guess who came in. the swimmer!!!! i didn't recognize him until he gave his name for the waitlist then i was like, wait... and connected the dots. he's very very very handsome. anywhomst, i spent the entire time he was in the diner getting breakfast anxious, hyperaware of my performance and appearance. while on my break i ran home to check my phone, and as i suspected he had texted me! it was a whole thing about how he's in a passive season in his life? anyways it was a whole long thing, basically saying he's in a passive season but his door is open. whatever that means. i replied after i got home, when i realized he sent it before he came in to the diner. i've divested hope in it, but if a date or two comes of it, cool. in my response i just let him know i always try to take a descriptive approach to new connections as opposed to prescriptive (mostly truth) and from what leah told me he's interesting and a cool person to know, also that he's handsome. now i wait for a response if one ever comes.

the rest of the day passed in a languor. i took a nap, then woke up and talked to charlie on the phone for a while. it was good to catch up with her i've hardly talked to anyone on the phone in months. i then decided to take a long walk around and listen to some cds. it all just amounted to me taking a two hour long walk around capitol hill up into first hill and back while looping depression cherry and nursing my interiority. good use of my time? probably not. i did initially have plans to go to karaoke with emma and evie, but evie had said a couple days ago that she would probably stay in so i wrote it off. also because emma had hinted that she would also not be able to. but i was really saddened to return home from my walk to see that i had missed a message from emma about it. i hope she doesn't feel let down. i'm seeing her in a couple hours anyways to go see eddington.

not much on the docket today. going to the movies with emma, then i'm planning on calling and talking to dad for a while. it's been a few weeks since i've talked to him. i was texting abbey earlier about them coming to visit. then i think i want to go down to linda's and have a few beers on the patio and keep banging away at the copy of the history of sexuality by foucault. i always think that i'm up to reading philosophy then it knocks me on my ass. i can do it, i'm smart and determined enough. and it's not even 200 pages, that's easy.

yesterday was a peculiar day. it really magnified my loneliness in my view in some ways.

started the day with going to analog to get coffee and read. Emma met me there to pick me up to go see eddington the new ari aster. it was okay. very long, sometimes a bit too on the nose, and tonally it was fifteen different genres at various points. i don't think it used it's star power particularly well either. performances were great though. if it had been either more grounded and maintained a consistency or fully committed to going off the rail bonkers (in the vein of sorry to bother you) i think it would have worked. but as is, it was just okay. it was fine.

after that i took the train home and read on the train. i was wearing the fire department sweatshirt caiti gave me, and some random guy asked who i knew from santa clara county. i mentioned harry and turns out this guy was in harry's wedding party. i texted caiti about it. what a small world.

i got home thinking i was going to have a phone call with my dad, but turns out he and abbey were about to go see eddington too and he assumed we would call in the morning. oh well, i think i may talk to him later today. i decided to go out and be in public. i went to linda's and sat on the patio for a few hours listening to cds and reading foucault. nursed two beers and picked at some chicken strips and fries. while i felt unbelievably cool and unobtainable in a cute outfit listening to my discman reading foucault in public, my emotional state began to be invaded by a pervasive loneliness. it brought to my attention what i've been trying to shrug off and ignore for months: i'm terribly lonely at this junction of my life. yes i am social, yes i go out often, yes i am terribly known, but beyond it all i am tired and lonely and in deep need of tenderness. silly pride and masculinity act as roadblocks to asking for any help. but honestly, i don't know what help would reasonably look like. and every time i'm struck by this loneliness i am prevented from reaching out by two (maybe untrue) recurring impediments.

1: i always feel like a burden when asking for social support. i'd rather just bear it myself and figure it out.

2:i'm too tired to be around people. the task of inflating myself to perform just looms terribly onerous most days. i think because i'm always around people be it at work, for the band, or just the nature of living in a dense population center, my social battery remains in a perpetual state of drain. how then do i muster a sort of social hysterical strength to go out and socialize? i just don't know.

i also am so woefully loathe to admit that i am so lonely. pride again, i suppose.

today though will be something. it will at least be densely peopled. hosting, and it's sunday, and it's block party. sure to be a mad house. pray for me in that regard. then either call dad or nap (honestly hopefully nap so i can go to the gym tomorrow morning), then sister nancy with lola and nicole tonight in fremont. i will claw joy from the clutches of misery today if it kills me. joy in spite of the burden. joy in revelry of the absurdity. joy as necessity.

what busy and full and beautiful two days!! so much to update on!! but first!! body crisis!! i'm low key failing the cut right now and i'm really frustrated!! i'm up 2 pounds over the last two weeks when if i had stayed on track i should be to 183 but i just weighed in at 187.9 today!! wtf!! i really don't know what to do. i also realized that if i were to take my two month bulk starting the end of august it would be in effect for october and i'm not sure i want to be dealing with that during my favorite month. i think i decided bulk starts august 1 no matter what i'm able to get down to. i'm also just realizing that for my body to be incredibly lean would require an outsize amount of hyper vigilance and self-serveillance which i really don't think that it's worth it. so for now, i think i am going to go for strength and bulk. i want to be big, strong, and cuddly. maybe some day in the future if i feel i have the determination to get lean i will, but at this point in my life it just doesn't seem worth it. now that i think of it, i'm going to start bulking up today since i'm already gaining, then reassess at the end of august.

sunday night was so lovely. sister nancy was amazing and inspiring. it's always so electric to bear witness to a performer that can hold a crowd in the palm of their hand. sister nancy was absolutely enrapturing. during the opener, i was making eyes with this guy in the crowd and after the opener, i told him he was handsome, but then immediately left to go to add-a-ball for a drink. i posted a missed connection in the stranger, hopefully they post mine lol. nicolle is in town and it was so fun to see her! she's an absolute angel. lola, evie, nicolle and i had a killer time at add-a-ball across the street before the show doing rounds of mad dog shots (they're only a dollar each and so saccharine they're absurd and silly). lola, evie, and i decided that we're going to go to l.a. in october to go see erika de casier. it'll be an insane week. we play baba yaga on the 10th, smerz is the 13th, we'd have to fly out the morning of the 14th to see erika in l.a., then stereolab is the 18th. i think i'm going to do it though. i'd regret not doing it, especially if lola and evie go.

then last night emma, evie, josh, and i went to see denial of life at black lodge. it's been a few months since i've been to a hardcore gig and damn i miss them. denial of life was stunning as always. they blow me away every single time. they also teased that album two is on it's way soon!!!! i can't fucking wait. the headliner, combust, was from new york and absolutely shredded. evie and i got matching shirts and we're wearing them to work today lol. i'm so grateful for the friendship that has grown between evie and i. she's such an inspiration and a ray of light and i need to tell her how grateful i am for her friendship. she really inspires me so much.

anyways, work today then nothing for the evening. though i've hardly slept more than five hours the past few nights so i think my plan is to just sleep as much as possible. like depending on how i'm feeling when i get home i may just hit the hay and not set an alarm. if i wake up and feel like going out i may hit up linda's or union and just read. this time with no headphones though!!! to try and be approachable i guess. we'll see if i follow through on that.

not too much of note yesterday. i was surprised by how much energy i had given i was running off of three hours of sleep. work passed with two distressing events. one: we had to move a table and comp their check because two old white ladies made a racist comment. luckily we were able to turn it around for the couple the old ladies made the comments too, and they seemed okay. i'm glad we were able to turn it around for them. this job exacerbates my distaste for the elderly day by day. two: we had to clean human shit from not one, not two, not even three, but four surfaces!!! all from one grown ass man!!! what the actual fuck!?!??!? the surfaces were: 1) a toilet seat 2) the bathroom floor 3) a chair in the back hallway and 4) the chair at r3 that he was sitting at!! how do you not realize you're covered in your own shit??? he had to have known because he attempted to wipe it off the bathroom floor but didn't even get close to finishing the job, just smeared it. i hope that man gets dysentery. maybe he already does. but it was one of those days that even in the face of genuine horrors i was chipper and absurdly joyful. molly and evie expressed appreciation, which made me feel useful. why be cleaning human shit off and chair and miserable?

after work i decided to hit up donna's happy hour for some italian poutine and martini. it was pretty dead when i got there so i grabbed the window table. i was good on my word and read without headphones. all for naught though. it started to pick up as i finished my fries and martini, so i thought i'd get a radler because i saw they had them. though right about when i got it, it got so busy that i started to feel guilty for hogging a whole table by myself. a straight couple ended up sitting right by me and i got uncomfortable and pretty much chugged the radler and dipped. i still felt like being out though, so i passed one entire depression cherry on a shady bench in cal anderson. i love wearing sunglasses to read as i can people watch while still keeping my head downturned. i've been really loving the history of sexuality it's been so facsinating and i've been dutifully annotating it. it's really got me questioning my perspectives on sexuality, my own and generally. anyways, after that i meandered about then landed home. had a little treat then conked out, though about an hour past my bedtime whoops.

had a lovely pull day today. changing to bayesian curls feels so good! i'm really excited about it. i changed to the plate curl machine too, and the tension at the stretch is way better than the pin machine. i got the weight a bit wonky though and pride prevented me from turning back, so let's just say i did a strength set, not a hypertrophy set lol.

today is the photshoot with the masks and i am woefully unprepared. i'm just going to bring what i have and see what works. the only thing i pressingly have to do is make the house mask an actual mask. first though, going to take my time getting ready then read at analog for an hour or two. going to try to spend some time with no headphones so as to be more ~appraochable~ if i can. how does one go about becoming an inviting object as a gay man? but not just an open invitation, a sword in the stone sort of challenge. "only the worthy may approach", that's the message i'm trying to send.

so many important updates to various plot lines! yesterday was a seemingly quite eventful day.

first though, had a maddening encounter with strangers at analog. so there i was sitting inside at the big table by the door, sipping my coffee no headphones and annotating the history of sexuality when these two women sit at the other end of the table from me. out of the periphery of my attention i overhear them making fun of me!! laughing about how performative i'm being, saying things like "i bet he's not even reading that". i was so miffed, i just changed my cd and drowned it out with spiral xp. fast forward 30 minutes, as they're leaving, one of the women comes up to me and asks, "do you like reading foucault?" (also not to be an absolute asshole, but she did mispronounce foucault) we ended up having a pretty nice conversation actually commiserating about the occasional inscrutability of reading academic texts, but i was still so taken aback by the whole thing. i did feel pretty proud when asked if i'm reading it because i studied philosophy in college, to which i was able to respond, no i never went to college, i just read this for fun and learning. but now i just started all about love by bell hooks and if they thought reading foucault in public was performative bell hooks is another level. still important reading.

first update: swimmer texted me! just casually asked how my weekend was looking. we ended up making plans to hang out and wander around tuesday. i'm very much looking forward to it. also he sent me a selfie for some reason?? but low key thank god because he's so handsome.

the band went out with all the costumes and took some pictures for the art show. we started in volunteer for a little bit and got some of the frozen mask, the goat demon, and abby threw together something with costume pieces she had. we shfited over to interlaken where Lola and i changed into the cloud mask and moon mask respectively. before we could really get into it, emma decided to move her car down the road a little bit and that's when disaster struck: emma locked her keys in her car. it wasn't the worst though. it jsut meant we spent the afternoon in the park waiting for aaa and shooting the shit. though after that i sort of lost all steam for the day.

evie, lola, and i had planned to get together tonight to look at booking tickets for l.a. but it didn't end up working out. (side note blood orange just announced an l.a. show oct 16 while we're there and like, yeah we have to) which after a short nap left me with the late evening free. i was hankering for a burrito so i maundered (new word i'm obsessed with: move or act in a dreamy or idle manner. also to talk in a rambling manner.) down to burritos california. got a burrito and made my way through cal anderson which is where update 2 takes place.

to preface this, i was looking cute as hell. denim cutoffs, and the back off muscle tee/crop top. belly: out. legs: out. pep: in my step best believe. anyways, so i'm walking by the fountain in cal behind this bag ass family walking mad slow. i decide to pass them in the narrow space they've left by the fountain. as i get near parallel with them though i see a bike coming so i hop up on the side of the fountain and start walking as if it's a tightrope (because a true jester never ceases to perform) when i make eye contact with the cyclist who turns out to be... the sailor!!!! i make eye contact and i hope i didn't let recognition flash on my face because he doesn't deserve that. he did look a little surprised i will say. but it just felt so correct for him to see me happy, looking cute, and enjoying myself with my belly out. it felt like a victory, a triumph.

anyways, i finished the history of sexuality last night. i'm really proud of myself that i finished it in less than a week. it has really led me to question a lot of my base ideas about sexuality. such as the relation of sex to sexuality, the ways that i come into contact with technologies of power as they pertain to sexuality, and the ways i use psychoanalysis in relation to my own sexuality. all very much to think about. i think reading all about lovedirectly after will be a thought provoking chaser.

my legs feel like jell-o. i'm trying to do linear progressions on all my lifts until the end of august to really push myself, and one day in i want to die. leg day is done for a few days, so that's a solace. also, maddening occurence: i just weighed in at 185. after nearly a week of eating whatever i want. make it make sense.

i'm already almost half way through all about love and it's blowing my mind. it's really making me interrogate my ways of loving, the ways i've been loved in the past, what changes i can make in my actions and expectations. bell hooks is so insightful and has such an open perspective. i will say her writing is incredibly gendered in a facsinating way. i don't think it's entirely unfounded, but it's so pronounced. leah pointed it out to me and i can't stop seeing it now. she writes as if men and women are two different species. a product of the time it was written i guess. still, an extremely valuable text.

went and had dinner at leah's last night. i love going over to their place and spending time with them (alex, juliet, and leah) they really feel like family. it was supremely nourishing to sit down to eat a home cooked meal, talk philosophy, then play some card games with good friends. that's what life is for and i am so grateful that i am blessed to have good friends. everyone seems to be doing pretty well.

i found out that heath and cris's housewarming party is this saturday, the same night as coral grief's release show at tractor tavern. i'm genuinely torn. on the one hand i love coral grief and would love to support them and see everyone there. on the other hand, it's in ballard... gross. pros of housewarming: i can walk over there, i haven't seen heath or cris in ages, flirting potential. cons: that guy that said the gross stuff and was really hitting on me at pride will be there, lorenzo will be there (not that i don't want to see him, i just feel complicated things about it. i feel like i led him on in a way i feel guilty about and now i don't know how to act.), i will probably drink too much. i think the deciding factor will be if evie is going to coral grief and if she's driving. otherwise, i don't know.

catching up with nate tonight, which i'm realizing i really don't care to do. i thought he was done which i was grateful for, but he texted me a few days ago asking to hang out. i don't know how to tell him i can't be friends with him given our history. i just feel like such a fuck boy sleaze maintaining a purely hook-up centered relationship. it's just so convenient and our bed chem is legendary. but man do i really dread having an actual conversation with the guy. it all reflects so poorly on me unfortunately. oh well.

since i'm running out of pictures, i'm going to go beyond the usualy three entries per page. i realized that in all likelihood if anyone actually reads it it's most likely on mobile, which formats it to a single column. and it makes it easier for me to not have to make a new page every few days.

two days of updates! so first off: i didn't end up catching up with nate. he sent me a whole long thing about how us sleeping together still is holding me back etc and cancelled. he's right and i agree with him, we should have stopped years ago. i'm all cool with this, it's an outcome i've tried to make happen so many times before. here's the thing that get's me: after two months of silence in which i figured it's done he reaches out to me only to reject me? make that make sense. i had already assumed it was done, and i wasn't going to be reaching out anytime in the future. like big dog you could have just not reached out in the first place?? a little bit annoying is all. at least now i won't have to be embarrassed that i still sleep with my ex after years anymore. yay i'm growing up!

i ended up going to heath and cris's housewarming instead of the coral grief show. i just didn't want to go all the way to ballard, and i wanted to get home at a reasonable hour. and evie wasn't going to go, which was my deciding factor. i don't think Lola even ended up going, she was on the fence too. i hope she's feeling better btw.

anyways the house warming party was fun. i didn't stay too terribly long maybe just around two hours. i was able to avoid isaiah and it seems like he avioded me as well which was perfect. lorenzo and i are going to go out for a little bit friday which will be fun. i think it's not near as complicated as i anxiously thought it was.

important news!!! Colton is moving back on august 2nd! in less than a week! i'm so excited i've missed him. it sounds like this year in new mexico has been pretty hard on him.

work today, then the voting event at massive with ian. i was pleasantly surprised to see that it starts at 4, which hopefully means i can get to bed early to hit the gym tomorrow with a reasonable amount of sleep. god i really hope so. though this reminds me of something i need to remember to talk to mira about. i've been getting joint pain, which means i need to take a rest week and let myself heal. only thing is, rest weeks make my self image crater. i need to see if she has any advice on it.

yesterday was the busiest day glo's has ever had. we broke the record by $500 it was a bit of madness. we filled up completely within 10 minutes of opening. all things considered though it went fairly smoothly. steve and julie expressed their gratitude by giving everyone a $20 which was much appreciated. hoping today is much less of a circus though.

went to the voting event at massive after work. it was really heartening to see so many queer folks in a room passionately discussing local politics and sharing information. it was nice to spend time with ian one on one too and learn some stuff from him. he works in local education non profit so he really knows his stuff. sailor was there, but i ignored him and pretended i didn't recognize him.

not much to update on. today is work then therapy. probably no band practice which means early bed time and gym tomorrow morning. mood is high, looking forward to my weekend and to the date with the swimmer tomorrow.

there are no real updates from the past 24 hours, and i worry i'm slipping into a boring form of journaling again. a mere recounting of temporal events that lacks any importance. it's mundane, why do i feel driven to maintain a log of events? i guess the past few weeks in the mornings i haven't quite been thinking at full capacity. i think i'd like to begin omitting the unimportant details again. steer myself back to a more prosaic tapestry as opposed to incident log book. that interests me more and affords me more entertaining uses of language.

i had a really good therapy session yesterday. it felt productive, i stopped retreading the same ground. we touched on emotions vs. thoughts, uses of anger, emotional alchemy, and what constitutes meaningful time spent as an antidote to burnout. i'm really happy that i was able to break out of that loop.

yesterday and today as i've sat down to write i've gotten so drowsy. today makes sense, i'm working off a rocky six hours of sleep (my fault). my eyes drift as my hands rest on the home keys. i type not in a stream but rather in fits and episodes as i'm startled into action by a thought. the thoughts only come as alarm calls against dozing off. sometimes i let myself drift completely, but fear of falling asleep fully with no contingency alarms sets me with enough worry to stay at least somewhat sharp.

date with the swimmer after work. wish me luck. i'm doing all i can to not hope. not yet at least. or maybe i should, that would be more melodramatic.

i have to clean the apartment, so i am blogging as a means of procrastination. waiting for the coffee and adderall to kick in for the morning to set me into a frenzy in which i'll be able to clean the apartment.

yesterday's date went okay. it was really so short that i hardly got or made an impression it feels like. right as it was starting to get easy to converse he had to run to swim practice. i texted him some pictures i had told him about that i told him i woud text him when i got home. he still hasn't replied. he seems so fragile in a sense, i don't know if i find it charmingly earnest or jejune. he said that horror movies are hard for him, as is an retelling of injury, violence, or pain. he told me he's passed out before at a friend recollecting a skiing accident. how fanciful. i found it facsinating that something of that sort could so immobilize someone. i've taken great pains to desensitize myself to such matters so as to avoid any discomfort. he ascribes it to a reflexive empathy, says he projects the pain of the other onto himself and reacts accordingly. again, how fanciful. i'm being condescending perhaps. we'll see if he ever gets back to me.

i decided to go see together afterwards since i had the rest of the evening. i felt bad going given the whole plagiarism accusation against the movie, but it was discount night so i hopefully gave them less money. it was okay. fun body horror, fun exploration of codependency, very heterosexual (though there was a gay character(s)), a good time. the thing that stuck out to me the most is in film depictions of het relationships, how degenerative feelings of inadequacy in the male partner unravel everything. it seems such a silly thing to let unravel a love, but it seems so common. something to be aware of in the male psyche lest it take root in myself some day.

i've been thinking a lot about my own capacity to love since reading all about love. i'm not sure about my current capacity, but i am greatly geared towards expanding it. i fear i've given so much ground to individuality my whole life that i am lacking an instinct or tendency towards true selflessness. it all starts with me though, and in nurturing the friendships and connections that i have been neglecting so fully these past months. especially with the band. megen texted me this morning asking if i had told them, and i don't know if it's time yet. am i just afraid of solidifying a decision? am i ready to make that decision? am i procrastinating? i just don't know. and i fear that news of my departure from the city would harm them. abby has voiced to me multiple times recently that the band has been her reason to live lately, as an outlet and a purpose. what committment do i have to that? in the context of love for a dear friend and creative partner, but also in my own life trajectory? i think i need to be more open and honest with the band about my feelings and lack of enthusiasm towards the band that has been too obvious these past few months. where to even begin?

band practice tonight. might try to have an open conversation with the band about how i'm feeling.

but first i have to clean my apartment. on y va.

last day of the month