A Deeply Unserious Blog

february 2025

page 1

a long winter month, shortest of the year

First blog post. I'm not even sure what to write, I'm writing this half expecting to have to go and reformat everything. Also I'm typing this directly into the html so there's no spell checking. If there are mistakes, no there aren't. I'm listening to a Cameron Winter album that some guy I went on a good date with recommended. I really don't like this album. I'd like to see the guy from the date again though. He invited me to be his plus one to the Sonic Guild grant celebration on the 22nd which is sick. I don't know how to text like, hey want to hang again before the event? I guess I just text him that. I decided last month that this year I want to express my desire more often and more freely. I'm quite terrible at it. I hate being subject, I much prefer to be object.

I still don't know what I want this blog to be. If I want it to be read in exchange for having to moderate what I say. Or do I want to keep it a secret so I can really truly treat it like a journal? What if I were to do both? Like in all honesty, who the fuck is going to read this? If any of my friends are reading this right now, you're contractually obligated to tell me you've read this! I need to know what I can get away with saying on here.

Anyways, I do want to treat this as a journal. That was kind of the whole point of this. I used to journal so prolifically for years, then I let the habit drop and I miss the release of journaling. I dearly miss the emotional clarity it provides. Maybe I will just pop off and write what I'm really thinking/feeling and if someone reads it and has a problem with something I've written it will instigate conversation and resolution. Maybe that's just what I need. I'm often such a coward when it comes to such things. It's a shortcoming I've worked arduously to address for years. I wish to be more confrontational. There is something thrilling about being confessional online in an avenue that no one is likely to read, but there's a possibility that it will be. and if it ever is I will be non the wiser. Ignorance is bliss.

Today I have to do laundry which I've been putting off. It is the most sisyphean of chores. But I just took my meds and I'm about to down a 12 oz red bull, so all will be doable. Beyond that this is my first day in a long time that I have absolutely nothing to do. There's nothing with Kaiser that I have to take care of today (oh shit except I have to go do my labs so I can start prep. fuck. I'll do that monday.) and there's really not much more website work to do for this one or for the Swamp Wife page. I'm sure I'll get bored in the future and add more hidden pages. Not today though. I guess I can finish the house mask today. I have to paint the windows white, put up the curtains (I decided on red instead of green, more eye catching), and figure out how to make it a mask. I bought sponges instead of foam so it will sit right on the face. I'm thinking of adding back lights to the eye windows but I really don't want to add more weight to it. We'll see.

What else should I do today? I could clean. Maybe I'll go sit in a cafe and read. But I guess by the time laundry is done Analog might be closed. I guess there's always Gemini Room. Or Lost Lake, maybe a little breakfast for lunch. I should not be spending money though. Wish me luck on staving off the boredom.

2.8.25

I walked all the way to the U district to go tape shopping at Al's. I made a killer haul and actually didn't spend too much. I got a Kate Bush tape(!!!), an Enya tape, an episode of Jerry Springer, the pilot of X-Files, and a weird comp that I'm excited to check out. It looks handmade and I think it's a bunch of recorded commercials? I'll watch it tonight and report back. It was nice to take such a long walk. Though it's now 3 pm and I have no idea what to do with the rest of the day. It's my last day of absolutely nothing before a packed day tomorrow then I'm back to work tuesday. I feel like I should get stuff done. maybe work on some new music? I've not written in ages. Last song I wrote was July and it was what became "Clawing/Crawling". But honestly I want to just put on tapes and work on the site. I need to stop agonizing over possibilities and just act. Life long weak point of mine.

I was thinking while on my walk about how much I prefer possibility over reality. I've always preferred the daydream to the concrete real. I enjoy being single because it means possibility and freedom. I enjoy the big picture planning phases of projects, before bricks have to start being laid. I love flipping through prospects and never choosing one. Opting instead to run through the potential paths in my minds eye. Is it my Libra moon? I used to dislike this about myself but I've accepted that I'm indecisive. When it's an important decision I make it of course, but I've built my life in such a way to have very few Big Boy Important Decisions to make. I like being a silly artist bachelor. I've got to enjoy it while I can, time is fleeting. Anyways, I haven't been able to stop thinking about my preference for potential all day. I like to keep as much of my life as possible in a box with Schroedinger's cat. That way I can feed the daydreams, and they're much more nourishing than reality. I think I have an escapism problem. I'm an avoidant person, what's new?

Less than a week until the new Swamp Wife song comes out. First single from the new EP! I'm so proud of this little collection of songs, I just want it to be out already! I need validation. I think it's a good piece, but I'm so biased, how can I really know? I sent the press kit to a million places on thursday and haven't heard back at all. I'm really hoping it generates at least some attention. I'm so delusional, but at least I'm self aware in my delusion.

I'm so torn about going back to work. I've been off work since my surgery on the 16th and I've been shockingly productive. I've made two websites, I'm almost done with the house mask, almost done with the freezing mask, and my apartment is actually pretty clean. It feels like I've been on summer vacation. It's opened my eyes to what I'm capable of when I have nothing but time. On the other hand, I need structure. My sleep schedule is so fucked, I have no idea what day it is ever, and I feel just a little unmoored. Not the absolute worst. I dearly dearly hope that someday the band will be profitable enough that I can work 1-3 days a week or maybe even not at all. I would give anything to tour 4-8 months of the year then hibernate the rest. I guess I'll find out this summer if Swamp Wife can make that happen for me. I have so much faith and pride in this project and I couldnt have asked for better bandmates. It's going to be a lot of work if we're going to make it a living, but if anyone can, it's us.

I'm realizing this three column structure maybe isn't the most readable. But i guess I have to ask myself, how accessible do I want this to be? Half of me is so self obsessed and vain that I want it to be read, the other half wants to obscure it. I think I'm striking a happy medium. the harder you have to cut through the formatting to read it the better maybe. I can always split each month into different parts depending on how much I'm writing. Because I think I may be writing a lot. God how I missed journaling!!! I could go on and on. And you know what?? Who the fuck is stopping me? This is for me! Audience comes second because who is the audience for this anyway? No one! I'm going to keep writing as much as I want.

I think this whole personal site is going to be accelerant on the fire of my solipsism, but I don't mind it. I used to feel so much puritanical guilt over being self obsessed until I realized that demonization of vanity is a fucing trap and method of control. And you know, I'm always careful to make sure I am supporting my friends and loved ones. Listening to them, supporting them in their endeavors, cheering on their successes, checking in with regularity, and maintaining healthy lines of communication. I can do that and also be self obsessed, vain, and self centered. They don't cancel each other out. And oh my god I have to say that life has gotten soooo much more enjoyable since I dropped the burden of self hatred! Since I stopped beating myself up over everything, stopped agonizing, untangled my guilts and shames. I used to spend a pathetic amount of time charting and tracing my mistakes and ripping myself to shreds. All for what? It didn't help me become a more careful or aware person! It made me anxious and neurotic. It's taken a lot of work to undo all that, and it requires a lot of maintenance to not fall back into those silly habits. I love growing up. I love accruing wisdom and learning. I think it's the greatest joy of the human existence. Fucking up, falling down, figuring out what happened, watching the world and people around you, listening to other's stories and experiences, consuming media and art and culture, synthesizing it all. Just beautiful. I never thought that that depressed suicidal little boy would grow into someone who loves themselves and loves life. What a joy.

By the way, I still haven't texted that guy from the date. I want to, so why don't I? what's stopping me? it's so silly.

2.9.25

today was an odd day. I woke up dreading how busy it was going to be, then both my social plans cancelled leaving my evening completely empty. After the past two days of little social interaction, I felt a little insane. that's okay though, a couple really good things off set all that. kaiser got my doctors note back to me which means I don't have to worry about the deadline for the paid medical leave. what a fucking relief that is. also my portishead bootleg hoodie finally got here.

still i find myself in an odd mood. while i love my alone time and need a lot of it, three days in a row with few meaningful social interactions is a little maddening. it's silly how quicly i spiral out without outside perspective. maybe i'm being dramatic. i think i just have a tendency to turn inside that must be counteracted by outside presence with some frequency. i find after days in a row of little socializing i begin to doubt more, i begin to feel less real. i go back to work tomorrow, i'll be fine.

i tried writing music today for the first time in a long time. I wrote something on guitar that i quite liked and spent an hour programming the drums for it to be just right. only when i began my attempt at writing bass did i start to hate what i had written. it just started to sound so trite and ineffective. i'll try revisiting it in a couple days, that usually does the trick if it's anything worth saving. though it has a similar structure to a lot of what i've been writing in the past year (verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus). it's a song structure that i like, as it's concise and effective, but i worry that it will become apparent to everyone. two (almost three but not quite) out of the six songs on the new ep have that structure. eh i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. what's important first is to get the ideas out and on the page

i had therapy today, and i'm starting to think if maybe i should take a break from therapy. the past two months i've been doing so well mentally that therapy sort of just feels like a victory lap. it doesn't feel productive in the way that I want. it usually just ends up with me prattling on for an hour about how well things are going. not to say i'm not extremely grateful that i've reached this point, it's just expensive. maybe I should cancel my next appointment and see how much builds up over a month as opposed to two weeks. i really love my therapist though. i've been seeing her for three years now and i will never not thank my lucky stars that i found and retained a therapist that i'm compatible with. it's such a blessing. so many people i know are struggling to find a good therapist.

looking forward to work tomorrow. it'll be nice to be a part of the real world again. i feel like i've been in a bit of a fantasy break these past three weeks. it's crazy that it's only been three and a half weeks since my surgery. it feels like i've lived an entire lifetime. I got so much done, created so much, pondered. it's motivated me all the more to push swamp wife to be successful. i feel like i've caught a glimpse of a possible life with no time consuming labor vampirically sucking away all my time and energy. what would i be able to accomplish creatively if i only had to work 1 or two days a week? or even better, if i didn't have to work at all?? i dream of touring for half the year, then coming home to hibernate and spend all my time cultivating my creativity. i would give anything. i hope it's in the cards for us. I guess we'll have to wait and see what the prospects are looking like come april and beyond.

2.10.25

february 2025

page 2

what a weird day. first day back at work. feels good to be back in the swing of things. i really enjoy working at the diner, i love the performance of it. it comes naturally to me. and it's a place to hone and practice charm. anyways, felt nice to be back at it. it was a pretty easy day, one weird customer. super paranoid guy, thought we were talking shit about him. we weren't until he started being insanely rude. when one of my coworkers dropped off his food he told her verbatim "you're a nasty person i don't want you near me". what an insane thing to say. after that her and i were talking and i was laughing and going off about what an insane thing to say to someone. i go to walk past him and he calls me a faggot!!! luckily shortly after he paid and stormed out. what a miserable person.

other event of note, that cute guy that promised to tell me his ghost story last time he came in months ago came back! his ghost story was rather pointless and not even a story, but whatever. we ended up talking more and i gave him my number. he texted back pretty quick! told me it was a pleasure to finally officially meet. I asked him if he wanted to talk more ghost stories over a drink sometime and he tells me he's partnered. boring. but then he says he'd still like to hang out platonically?? i'm upfront and tell him i was interested, but i could be down for a platonic hang. long story short we're hanging out thursday and going to play pool. I don't know how to feel about it. honestly that whole thing dampered the day far more than being called a slur.

i grow increasingly bewildered at my inability to date well. or maybe its terrible luck? or i just don't try hard enough? who knows what it is. either way i've been so frustrated this past year at my series of dating dissapointments. it just seems like nothing goes quite right, there's always some impediment. he's poly, he's moving in a couple months, he's an alchoholic, he's only visiting. there's always something. beyond that it seems the pattern is always this: when i'm genuinely interested, he's not. when someone's interested in me, I'm not into them. when will the stars align? i'm patient enough, i am an independant person at heart, but i really need a genuine fling, a dalliance. I'm looking for my next heartbreak, i want obsession, i want devotion, i want melodrama. the reality of romance and dating is sooooo dull it bores me to tears. and what gives? i'm no uggo, i keep fit, i lead an interesting life, while i may have too big personality for some, at least i'm not boring. this is all starting to sound so pathetic i should shut up and bide my time.

i'm just beginning to question myself on why exactly nothing has even gotten close to lining up these past two years of shooting for a long term fling. i don't want to change myself just to get a partner, that's pathetic, i just wish i could give an exit interview to every failed tryst. it that too much to ask??

at least i made good on my promise of being more upfront with my desire. not just in giving him my phone number but in straightforwardly admitting, yes i am intersted but that's okay. I'm so ~brave~. woe is me etc. etc. etc.

2.11.25

I'm getting two tattoos today. one i'm not worried about, the other has me shivering in my fucking boots. the first is going to be an italian stiletto up the back of my neck, a tattoo that is far harder than i am. it's going to look so tough lol. the other is the meanwhile hands surrounded by flames, all american traditional, in the center of my chest. I know it's going to be a nightmare of pain. I feel like i should say a prayer, but to whom would i pray for endurance of pain? i also recognize that getting a tattoo on the neck and a tattoo on the chest at the same time in the same sitting is maybe not the brightest idea??? but hey, at least it's efficient, no? I already broached the topic of numbing agents with the artist, so if things get too bad I can cop out. luckily he's a friend of emma's. the same guy that's going to be doing the tattoos at the ep release shows. it's going to be a long couple of hours but then i've got two sick new tattoos! and i can wear slutty unbottoned shirts now to show off the twin peaks tattoo!

after that i'm going to hang out and play pool with that guy that i gave my number to the other day. i still don't know how i feel about it all. should i text to confirm? do i want to? would that be too forward? i think i'm going to wait until closer to and maybe just show up and if he doesn't show, i just play a game or two by myself. I could use the practice after all. i think that's what i'll do. and isn't that how you had to do it before cell phones? if you made a plan you showed up to it, there was no way to confirm day off? well, i guess you could still confirm with landlines, but not with the ready convenience that we're so used to now.

i hung out with mark yesterday. he quit his job and moved to bainbridge to work on a farm part time in return for room and board. it seems like he's really enjoying it. and hearing him talk about it, it sounds like a nice easy simple life. he's planning on doing it through the summer at least. he's going to be ripped by the end of the summer. is it silly that that was my first thought when he told me about it? i'm shallow as a puddle. anyways, i'm happy for him. I hope it continues to go well for him.

hoping today can get me out of the funk i've been in for the past few days. having no social interactions three days in a row threw me for a loop, and then jumping right back into work two days in a row (i got suckered into picking up a shift yesterday, i need the money) really got me in a way. band practice last night though went well though, we're working on a new version of brain freeze for a comp that luciano and peren are curating. the plan is to have hudson from stoneyard record it for us. it's very slow core. though i will say, something that's been annoying me about band practices for the longest time is this: i feel like we waste soooooo much time talking it drives me bonkers. like it's totally cool that breakaway conversations happen, there's always stuff to be working on, it's just sometimes they take way too long and we only ever practice for 2/2.5 hours max. last night all we had time for was one set run through then running through the new version maybe three times? given we did have gear issues that ate some time, it still feels like an inefficient use of time. maybe i'm just too anxious.

2.13.25

kind of crashing out deep down this valentine's day. i feel so silly about it too. maybe i'm using silly as a shield to cover up real hurt. i'm beginning to doubt myself so much when it comes to romance and sex that i'm kind of losing the plot. i think being able to get back to the gym again next week will ground me and keep me sane, recenter me. i'm just becoming more and more pessimistic about the feasibility of another happy and healthy long term relationship for me. am i ready for it? as much as i want one do i want to commit? what am i willing to settle on if anything? what's worse is this pessimism is stoking the flickering ember of romanticism i try to keep in check. the more out of reach it seems the more i lean into doe eyed daydreaming. it's fun though this yearning, however painful i may paint it to be. i love emotions that drive and sustain wistful interiority, and yearning is chief among them. as much as i try to put on the front of flippant coolness, deep down i want an excuse to be a lover and a sweetie. some day soon. i just have so much built up in reserve and want to dive head first into an obsessive infatuation. the time will come soon enough

god, shoot me. reading that back i'm having to fight my inner cynic's gag reflex. will i ever be able to conquer my severe aversion to sentimentality? would I even want to get rid of it if i were able?

tattoos went really well. they were perhaps the two easiest tattoos iv'e ever gotten done. theo is such a sweetie pie angel, and he has such a gentle hand with shading. it was a walk in the park. I'm really looking forward to getting more work done with him. I think i want to get two cherubs on my chest/shoulders, then an set of an old medieval moon and sun with faces on the backs of my shoulders. having torso tattoos now has awakened a desire to have the top of my belly done with something cool, but i really don't want to have to deal with the pain. I'll probably go to Kimber for that one then, since I know she'll hook me up with lidocaine cream to make it survivable. I just have to think of what I want.

hanging out platonically with paul went shockingly great. i think we could be wonderful friends. we played pool and talked for like two hours, he's a really swell guy. and i did really well on quashing the crush before it could even start. i'm proud of myself on that.

2.14.25

february 2025

page 3

what did i do yesterday? oh I went to union to watch drag race. it was awkward because there were no seats so i just stood in the corner, downed two rainiers, and watched drag race. it was whatever. snatch game this season was god awful. but that's okay, at least i went out by myself even though i was soooo anxious about it. that's something to commend myself on.

nick and rio's birthday is tonight. i'm looking forward to it. and luckily it starts pretty early (i'm going to benton's at 5:30 to pregame) so i'll be able to get home and to bed hopefully by 9:30/10. I'm such an old man, but i have to get my sleep somehow. it'll be fun to party, even though i'm feeling low key exhausted. tomorrow is full with work and hanging with emma, then monday and tuesday i'm off and have one casual hang each day. and it needs to stay that way. I can't jump right back into my usual exhausting non stop routine. it's so unsustainable. but there's always so much i want to do!! events to go to, shows to catch, friendships to nurture, people to meet, movies to go see, work to do, band stuff to get to. i hope that someday i learn to balance it all more deftly. it seems you can only do so much without sacrificing either social life, work, health, or sleep. and my go to is to neglect sleep. not good. i'm learning.

i've been nurturing and leaning into a sense of wistful yearning that i used to tamp down at first sight. i think it's because i was afraid of hurting myself with reckless runaway sentimentality. i also have to acknowledge that the result of that impulse is lack of any tenderness, lack of any silly fuzzy warm feelings. so what they may ping around and bruise my insides? i am on a mission to embrace and cultivate my desire. to not see it as purely folly, weakness, or embarrassment. this is how it starts, letting my day dreams stir up the dust of yearning. letting myself be borne on the currents of a crush, even if it's a doomed attraction. i'm learning that my path to freely feeling tenderness is to aestheticize the tragedy of it. all the little tragedies, to see them as grand stories. that's how i am going to be able to allow myself to tumble into irrational sentimentality. it's fun if you make it so. if you don't take it or yourself so serious. at the same time it requires an earnest devotion, as if it were the only axis on which your existence spun. i think that someday with careful study and practice in the patterns of my desire i can strike the perfect balance.

2.15.25

the party last night was fun! i fear i maybe embarrassed myself being a little too evil and mischevious, but that's okay. I think i'm okay with that occasionally. i have to ride the line carefully between being chaotic and impish and not being terribly hurtful/harmful. I'd like to believe i strike a good balance. i sure fucking hope. i jokingly bet jerry, ian, heath, cris, benton, and felipe $50 if they could make someone cry at the party. i find it funny, i hope i came across as pesky and silly and not cruel. i'm trying to get over the need to be liked by everyone and accept that i'm not everyone's cup of tea, but that can't come at the cost of genuinely being a cruel person. what i wouldn't give to be able to take post drunk hang exit interviews to review my social performance.

i'm just having my usual rampant hangxiety. it happens every single time i drink now without fail. i really need to get a hold on it. i guess it's because my memory gets so fuzzy even after a few drinks. it's all imprecise and i can't remember exactly what i said/did. i never think that i've done anything genuinely dishonorable, but rather i worry that i've been uncouth. i'm too tightly wound and self obsessed. it's really not that deep, and i'm not the main character. no one's paying attention as much as i am. i need to remember that.

work today was surprisingly easy, slight hangover and all. i find that when work is busy and i can hit that good flow state i thrive. i really fucking love working at glo's. i feel like such a hot charming neighborhood character, it's extremely validating. I thrive on the perfomance of it all. i'm so grateful to have the capacity to have a practiced and consummate charm, it's so useful. and i'm getting better all the time, practice makes perfect. i hope someday i can achieve a psychopath level of charming. not to use it for anything terrible, its just so convenient and useful. it makes moving through the world so much smoother.

hanging with emma later, which is always so nourishing and healing. she's such a light i love her to death. then i think i'm not setting an alarm tomorrow morning. i'm going to sleep in as much as i can. I woke up five minutes before my first alarm this morning because of a spider dream. the fucking worst kind of dreams.

2.16.25

i forgot to blog when i got home last night, so i'm counting this as yesterday in case i feel like writing more tonight. i didn't take my meds ysterday so i was much more distractable and listless than usual. yesterday was a much needed brain off rest day, but i've never been gracious to myself about days like that. i really need to learn to have compassion on myself. i just didn't really make any work or progress on any projects. i started the morning with coffee and reading at victrola. i'm almost done with the thief's journal and it is resonating more and more. i love veneration of subversive virtues, or rather i love a subversive aesthetic based set of ethics. genet's exaltation of betrayal, theft, and homosexuality as his three highest virtues is fascinating to me. his near religiosity in regards to being a strict outsider is something i wish i had the bravery to commit to. also his taste in men, as well as his delineation of the causes of his attraction, are quintessential faggotry and i am obsessed. he perfectly maps the allure to brutish masculinity with all it's odd symbols, effigies, energies, and talismans. it makes me want to go to a dive bar by the docks and try to cruise working men. if only it were like it was now almost 100 years ago. what is with my life long blind reverence for periods of gay life past? i think it's because i'm too afraid to throw myself to the tides of modern gay life. maybe i just need to read current gay literature?

i hung out with abby as she was working on merch. i think the next merch run is going to be sick. we're probably just going to do a t shirt and maybe some underwear for the ep release shows, then use the money we make from that to do a big merch run this summer. i hope we get to do a lot of fun merch and that it sells. holy shit i forgot too that we've ordered vinyl and cassettes. that's still so crazy to me, i really can't believe it. i hope i hope i hope that we get some traction with this ep. my romantic crash out has me doubting myself heavy and that's bleeding over into the creative. i've been saying for the past couple months that if the band doesn't seem to be realistic by the end of this year i want to leave seattle, but is that really enough time to be able to say i saw it through? i just dream of paris, especially as i read more and more literature set in a mythic paris of the 20th century. will it be feasible? i just grow more and more sour on seattle as the months pass. though i love the life and community i've cultivated here, i'm restless. i never envisioned myself staying in a city for 10 years and that decade mark is dead eyed hurtling towards me and i'm terrified.

i spent yesterday evening over at leah + alex's place. always so good to see them and juliet. those three have been such a healthy and steady presence in my world the past three years and i cherish those friendships so much. especially leah. i tell her a lot already but i need to tell her more just how much her perspective grounds me and how much she makes me laugh. she's so observant and keen. alex made a wonderful dinner and regaled me with her most recent romantic catastrophe. poor girl can't catch a break, i feel her there. the guy she's been seeing is exhibiting some batshit bizarre behavior. my advice, as always, was cut and run. he pretended to be frozen on a facetime because he was caught off guard by a question??? wild. Leah introduced me to bad girls club which is so legendary. how have i never sat down and watched it?? it's truly insane. very of its time. i don't think i could binge too much of it in a row though. like it's always sunny it deals spiritual damage after a while. it's very energetically emaciated, but damn is it entertaining.

about to go to victrola again to read and get a lovely croissant and coffee. reading in a cafe is the perfect way to start a day. it's calming, and caffeinating. i think today i'll go head phoneless if i can. i usually put an album on but i think i'm going to try having music going less for a bit. it cuts me off from the world around me, and i think i rely on it too much. how am i ever going to have a meet cute if i can't hear a damn thing going on around me??

2.17(18).25

february 2025

page 4

yesterday was a bit of a farce. not really, i did end up being creative and i read a lot, but the evening really spoiled the day. it was just an evening with too much time, no plans, and no energy. i just ended up getting a burger and watching bad girls club. though i did go to bed early. not that it mattered in the end, i woke up at 12:30 and wasn't able to get back to sleep until 2:30/3. i decided i may as well go back to the gym a day early. I feel really good after having lifted. i had to hold myself back from immediately jumping into full swing. i have to remind myself i'm not back up to full just yet and i have to ease back into it. at least i'm back at it, already i can feel it recentering my mental health.

today is going to be interesting to weather with how i slept last night and how i need to sleep tonight. i go to work in an hour, then after work i need to come home and nap, then band practice, then home and back to bed. all so i can get up and hit the gym before work tomorrow. i wish i could sleep on command. i hate that it has to find me, that even when i need it, when i'm so tired and exhausted sleep still eludes me. it may be because i have a bizarre and irregular sleep schedule, but fuck, what am i supposed to do? go to the gym during peak hours? hell no.

i decided that i need to start going out to bars more often. that's the only way i am going to expand my social circle and really meet new people. the pickle i find myself in though is this: my social life is full, i can't take on any more friends. i am only looking for a potential partner, and what most commonly occurs is i accrue more friends instead. and while i'm always so grateful to cultivate more social relationships, i am already struggling to nurture the ones i currently have. i guess that's just something i'll have to continue dealing with.

behavior i've noticed in myself that i find distasteful that i can't seem to shake: every man i come across i check as a potential affair/hookup/crush. i know that it's not uncommon behavior, i just find it shallow. it's a behavior that if a straight man had towards women it would be commonly considered gauche and something to be worked on. why is it gay men get a pass? i know the answer is gender politics, but still. i find it a barrier in making meaningful friendships with other men, something i've struggled with my entire life. this is the first time in my life that i have a panoply of male friends, and that's by pure dumb luck. how does this fit in with my wider drive to be more open and frank in and about my desire?

(continued)

i spent all of today in a real funk. i hope i'm able to shake it tomorrow. i don't know if it's exhaustion or further simmering of things i just haven't traced the roots of. i really need to get to bed and go to sleep. i hope my body let's me sleep tonight.

2.19.25

feeling like i can shake the cloud that has dampened the past few days today. i did my odd split sleep schedule (slept 4pm-6pm and 11pm-3:30am) to fit band practice in and i'm feeling well rested. tomorrow isn't a gym day, so i need to not nap so i can sleep through the night tonight in one go. I'm hanging out with ivy right after work though, so that should be easy. bedtime is 8 pm tonight!!!!! no earlier no later!!!!

band practice went well. i'm so ready to be out of crunch time. well, i am and i'm also not. it's exciting to have this many things in the air. so many spinning plates to keep track of, it's keeping me going. on the other hand it's really exhausting and stressful. i think most of that is scheduling though. having to contend with four full time jobs with varying schedules is a nightmare. we can do it though! and if we don't do the utmost right now in this moment, we very well may regret it in the future. i just hope we're able to get done at least 75% of what we're planning. cadmium music vid, clawing music vid, recording slowed down brain freeze for the luciano comp, merch orders, promotion, all while prepping for two release shows. as tiring as it is i am lucky to have this creative outlet that i love built with three people whom i love dearly.

i'm really struggling with bulking and body image right now. i'm facing difficulty trying to disarm what jess calls "skinny voice". i need to eat a caloric surplus, i am actively trying to gain weight, but every time i eat a little extra or don't skip something the guilt stabs at me. it's so silly. i wish i had a healthy relationship with food. what i wouldn't give. i hope that it gets easier as i keep at it. my plan is to go until i hit 195 then start cutting back to 175. is this healthy? is this good for my body? how much do i care when it's weighted against vanity and attention? i could do more research into how to do it in the healthiest way, but i know i'm too poor to afford the diet required and i don't really want to stick to a strict diet. i know i won't stay with it. i'm finding my happy middle ground that works for me.

work yesterday was a total drag. i was never able to shake the shroud and was so taciturn all day. i am optimistic about today being better energy. though as i'm writing this the momentum from waking up and the gym is faltering and i'm feeling so sleepy. i wish i could take a quick hour nap but i've only got 15 minutes until i have to start getting ready. diva down.

2.20.25

yesterday was just what i needed. work was fun and easy. Ian and i got a riff going on making Paul blart puns (my personal best was paul simon and blart garfunkel. also of note: mall crop blartation), and that made me laugh harder than i've laughed in a long time. it's been a minute since ive genuinely laughed to the point of tears, and yesterday i was crying i was laughing so hard. makes me realize now how much i need more people that will riff until a dead horse is dust in my life. there currently aren't enough. then after work i went to ivy's and helped her grocery shop. she's doing pretty well now, almost back up to full which is good to see. then i got home and watched three episodes of severence. i'm fucking hooked on that show, i want to catch up as soon as possible so i can be up to date as the second half of season two releases. i will then have three weekly shows to discuss with friends. life is bountifully full of gifts.

two days back to being at the gym and i think i already strained my inner elbow either stretching to far or something. no curls for the next couple days at least. other than that it feels sooooo good to be lifting again i missed it so dearly. tomorrow i'm going to try a chest day, we'll see. it'll probably be more of a shoulder and tricep day. but i want to slowly ease into chest. i've just got to be patient.

this next bit is going to sound wildly self-aggrandizing and vain, because it is, but whatever, i doubt anyone is reading this far anyways. i was talking to jess yesterday and she was saying that the periods of her life when she has been the hottest are the periods where she gets hit on the least due to being intimidating. and it got me thinking, have i crossed the hotness event horizon into being unapproachable? i've oft been told my entire life that i'm intimidating, but is it really that bad? am i so unapproachable so as to seem unattainable? like how do i need a blinking neon sign above my head flashing "single bottom, vacancy available"? i thought that all this work i've been putting in the past two years to achieve hotness that it would mean getting hit on more, and the opposite is true. or maybe i'm actually not getting hit on because i'm delusional and actually not that hot?? i'm beginning to gaslight myself, i need outside validation. I need to take a random sampling poll of strangers, that's a normal thing to do. stand there with a clipboard blindly asking passerby, "how hot would you say i am from 1-10?". and i know it's not objective, yes yes i know, but i just want the peace of mind. i want to know that i have stable laurels to rest upon.

2.21.25

february 2025

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