what a lovely and productive weekend. my apartment? clean. my body? rested. my book? read. i'm feeling pretty well grounded and ready for this next week. i cleaned the apartment over two days. didn't get too much into the nitty gritty but i did mop, scrub the shower, and reorganize the kitchen and the bathroom. clean apartment, clean mind. feeling much better about so many things now that i am doing that feeling in a tidy space.

had the best band practice we've had in maybe a year on wednesday night. worked on the new one from a couple weeks ago and spontaneously wrote a new one that i'm really excited about. it's got weird time signatures (4/4 with a 12312312 accent idk what to call it and a chorus in 6/8) and i feel like it's a song that abby is really happy with. i felt so invigorated and inspired. i'm chomping at the bit to get back to it and work on it more. we're practicing monday and wednesday this week.

(also in news that's not mine to share a couple that i have been begging to break up might be breaking up soon they're on a no speaking week long break and i am hoping hoping praying they don't get back together. fingers crossed)

other than that, not much happened. colton get's back into town tomorrow and i offered to let him stay with me for a few days if he needs. i know he's got a couple places to stay but other than a job lined up he still has to look for an apartment. i'm really excited to have him back in town.

going out with lorenzo and ian tonight. i'm so bad at making plans. i still have to text ian and see what he wants to get up to. i'll figure it out.

i decided to take a little mini rest week. i took my two weekend days off, then got so caught up watching survivor (blame aj) that i stayed up past my bedtime and decided since i won't be going saturday to just take today off as well as sunday. five days to rest up and get back to full. we'll see if i actually stay good on it and don't lose my mind by sunday. in all likelihood i'll probably still go sunday lol.

last night was nice. started out checking out the performative male contest in the park. it was a pretty good turnout. probably 200-300 people. lorenzo didn't quite get the concept which i was confused by. even after trying to explain it to him he still didn't really get it. i decided to not stick around too long since it didn't really seem like his gig. we walked over to cris and heath's. got there sort of way before everybody. that's okay though, after the awkwardness of arriving too early ( i really need to learn) it was nice to hang out. more people started showing up. i feel bad because i told someone "nice to meet you" and then later realized i had had a full long conversation with them at the pride party. oh well, he literally moved to madison wisconsin today so not like it matters. if it means anything quintin, you're very kind and funny. sorry i didn't remember meeting you. everyone ended up at pony and i stayed a round. i realize i still owe heath for a beer.

got in super late after getting a burrito on the way. got home a little after midnight and passed out post burrito. didn't set an alarm and snoozed until 10. woke up to a text from evie asking to go to analog. got ready in a flash and went to analog. she mentioned she needed to run to easy street to get some records for her dj set tonight and i against my better judgement joined her. ended up spending $70 on cds but i got some real bangers. and who cares, life is short. got home from that, stopped by the post office, went grocery shopping, then napped.

now i'm about to get ready to go to lola and evie's dj night. i have no idea what i'm going to wear. abby asked to walk together, which will be nice, but i am a little bummed because i was looking forward to listening to a new cd on my way. oh well, it's better to spend time with a friend, and there will be time in the future for solitary walks. colton is finally here and is going out with everyone to cc's tonight. he invited me to join them and i might stop by on my way home, but i'm not sure. i decided hell or high water i have to hit the gym tomorrow or my body image is going to drown me. isn't that so silly? oh well, i am beholden to vanity and i fear of being undesirable. what a frivolous prison i've built myself into. i must mount an escape but i am equally inmate and jailor, victim and perpetrator. i just want to be hot, i want to be valued and loved. is having a body up to a cultural standard going to get me that? probably not. but at least i can spin it all and say it's for my health. some sort of health...

i don't know how it happened but this morning before the gym i was shaking my head and tweaked my neck in an insane way. i can't cock my head to the right at all, and can barely look to the lower right. i tried massaging it, to no avail. i hope it gets better as the day goes. i might take an ibuprofen before work.

the dj night last night was fun. i only stayed for about an hour and a half but it was nice to see everyone. i spent most of the time just talking with leah. evie and lola played some bangers as expected. very well curated music. i wasn't able to stay for much of cedar's turn, but he played galang by m.i.a. which i love. abby and i walked home together and had a good talk. i really hope she's doing okay, i need to check in on her more often. it sounds like she's not doing the greatest.

i did manage to get up and go to the gym this morning. but i don't quite know what's up but i wasn't able to lift as much as i expected. that's okay. i've got a month to push myself and put some weight on. i want to get my working bench up to at least 80(each side iso machine)x10x5 by the end of the month. right now i'm at about 75x8 so i've got a ways to go, but i think i can do it. just a month ago i was at 65x8 so i think it's possible.

i think i really need to get a grip on my body image. it's the source of so much misery these days and i'm growing increasingly weary with myself on the matter. what will ever be enough? do i trust that there is a point that i will be satisfied? will i not just move the goal post again? i need to set in place metrics that i can meet to prove to myself i'm making progress. what is it that i want? i think i want to be big and strong. capable. able. but i say that knowing that all my goals are aesthetic. though i will say, i feel like i have very reasonable aesthetic goals. i just want to look big and strong. i have no aspirations towards thinness (other than having a little less of a belly), i want to be a bulky himbo. is that too much to ask? how much am i willing to commit to reach this? what is it all for? i just want to be desired.

i've been thinking a lot lately about my fear of expressing desire. i think i want to be desired in order to relinquish the burden of having to desire. or at least of having to risk expression of desire. but i don't think it's an unfounded anxiety. there really hasn't been a time in the past few years (other than colton) where i expressed my desire and it didn't return stinging embarrassment. why continue risking it if there's never a reward? on top of the immediate, i also still find myself stuck in the mire of old puritanical thinking. of viewing desire as an evil to be contained and overcome by force of will. a messy knot to untangle.

anyways, work today then nothing after. my plan is to get home and go to sleep at 7 pm. what bliss, a perfect evening.

i think i'm going to do 5 entries per page now, to make my pictures go further.

pendulum squats will be the death of me, i nearly didn't make it back to the top at the last rep and every set made me appeal to death. that means i must continue with them if i ever hope to have a big juicy ass.

sometimes i really love smashing together intentionally erudite writing styles with garish and uncouth modern slang and attitudes. it's a juxtaposition that brings me joy.

i've been listening a ton to if i don't make it, i love u by still house plants and it confounds and excites me. i've never heard anything quite like it. it's like if anohni sung for an emo band making bebop jazz. i think i'm going to ask Lola if she can get it on cd for me. yet another album that evie has put me on to that i love. she really is such a tastemaker and inspiration.

saw colton for the first time yesterday. went and got a drink with him and ian down at pine box. i'm really happy he's back. from the sound of it, new mexico was a miserable year for him. the conversation didn't flow as easily and the hang was a little awkward. i hope it wasn't me. or maybe it was i can't be sure. either way, i'll be seeing more of him and we can build that rapport back to how it was.

sea fair is finally over, thank god. it always brings to town the worst tourists (the deeply patriotic) and the noise of the jets is a nuisance. it's a surreal reminder that we live in a militarized state. it all just reads to me like a reminder of an unspoken threat of the state. a reminder of what power is held in reserve. the same power and violence we exert globally on those standing in the way of capitalist interest. it's disconcerting, grim, and annoying. and we are free for another year.

work today and then band practice. nap in the middle of course. i slept eight hours last night, why is it i'm drowsier today than yesterday when i was running off four? make that make sense.

i've been very tempted lately to redownload dating apps. i almost did last night. i can't though, i must hold out. i can't let myself devolve into being consumed by daydreams of romance. i can better channel that energy and mental bandwidth to things that actually serve me and my community. i feel like a junkie. i just had the thought, "i want just one date, even a bad one. just one". i can't help but wonder, am i addicted to romantic drama?

we haven't gotten paid yet, and that's incredibly worrying. i really really desperately hope that it's just a clerical error. i don't want to have to job hunt. not right now.

last night we worked on new stuff, namely the new song and the cover of the hours. i wrote a bass line for the chrous of the new song but i'm not sure i like it yet. i know i've asked a million times and she says it's okay, but i really hope lola doesn't feel like i'm stepping on her toes. i sincerely hope she learns the confidence to feel sure in her writing. i would miss writing bass lines, but i'd feel less worried. anyways, we made good progress.

doechii announced a new tour and she's coming in november!! i'm so excited. leah already knew and is on buying tickets. thank god she's finally coming this way.

been getting back into diamanda galas the past few days. i've needed music that makes me feel sinister and afraid, and i don't really have any on cd other than her. she's such a legend. i love when classically trained musicians decide to make freak outsider music. what a gift.

work yesterday was sort of a nightmare, but i made it through on the wings of sardonicism. i thought i was serving but turns out i was actually host. jess offered to switch me which i happily took her up on. bit of a mistake though, but that's okay. we did $8600 on a monday. but again, humored my way through. was getting hit on by a couple of older gays and made them cut up with the joke "as a twink you've got two options: you either pick up the weights or the wig." i can't remember where i heard it before, i think from heath. anyways, it cleaned up. another old couple tipped 30% then slipped me a $20 on top. sometimes old people love me.

today is my friday thank god and i have nothing to do after work other than grocery shopping. i think i may go get dinner at a bar and read. we'll see how i'm feeling.

i've slept in the past two days, which has been delicious. i didn't even set an alarm today since it was a rest day. i need to do this more often. i'm learning.

i saw a guy who i've had a crush on for years at the gym, and in his eyes i, maybe fancifully, spied a glimmer of recognition. maybe i am known to him as he is known to me, assuredly less reverentially, but nevertheless known. did i speak to him? absolutely not. will i ever? maybe. i only occasionally stumble upon him around the neighborhood. he is one of a few mythic crushes i have built up in my imagination. i occasionally glimpse them through the noise of life in the city. like sightings of cryptids. it's always a little thrilling, even if i am always far too timid to try anything near an approach. i wonder if i occupy a similar perch in the minds of others? are there strangers out there whos pulse i quicken when i walk by? am i known as a romantic cryptid in the mythologies of others?

evie is thinking about leaving glo's and moving out of the building. it really saddens me. if it's whats best for her then she should do so, but i have really grown to rely on our friendship. i credit it mostly to the ease of building it. proximity is such an aid. i can hardly ponder the possibility without grief gripping me by the throat. it's silly, she'd still be around. but it wouldn't be the same. time will tell.

i need to start being a lot more careful with money. my margins are closing in on me and i am not growing my savings at all. i have been a little reckless. buying books and cds that i don't need. and i could absolutely eat more frugally. i just find it impossible to do so when these small glimmers of relief and convenience shine on me in a sea of anxiety and fears. but i know that true joy can only be unearthed in simplicity. but i do think i live incredibly simply. i rarely eat out at sit down restaurants. i don't really buy clothes all that often, and when i do they're second hand. i don't go out more than i need to. the points where i could make cuts are the things that condone living. something has got to give. and i have almost paid off the surgery. i think i only have two or three more payments left. that will help. it's just my anxiety is already high, having barely a month's expenses in savings isn't helping.

been doing a lot of thinking still on my own desire and unwillingness to show it. been thinking about my emotional responses to weakness, pride, and need. been thinking about solipsism and my own self obsession. but as much as i do think it may be a vice, i don't think i care to give it up. i love running my fingers across the maps of myself. i relish i being my own cartographer, in studying my inner mechanisms. and when i encounter the same behavior in others i am always enraptured and thrilled to compare notes. i just worry it's all to individualistic. oh well, i am an individual it can't be helped. and it's not like i don't foster connection and community in my own ways. but is it a barrier to the kind of close connection i crave and pine for? i can't say for sure. something to ask mira about. i need to start a list of things to ask mira about.

not too much time today to blog, i got a late start. then spent longer than usual at the gym. silly thing: i fucked up and somehow did a full set of 5 on the ISO row with 90 on the left and 70 on the right. how did i not notice the 20 lb difference?

caught up with mark yesterday and it was really lovely to see him. he seems to be doing really well. he finally found an apartment on bainbridge right above the bakery he works at. it's so perfect and quaint.

afterwards i hung out with evie and we had a hinge binge where we redownloaded all the apps and went wild. the idea is to delete them again, but i fear i may keep them for just a few days. we'll see. i think i'm going to give myself until the end of the weekend.

i'm dreading work today. we only have one barista. on a friday!!!! i just know i'm not going to be able to take a break, and neither is molly really. unless we just don't do coffee for an hour. i'm so tired of being short staffed up front all the time. i think i'm going to talk to julie when she's back and let her know just how burnt out everyone is up front. it's untenable and it's unsustainable. why is it that while we're down a person up front back of house has a whole 10 people on staff? make that make sense.

it doesn't matter though because i'm seeing erykah badu tonight and everything is going to be healed. i shouldn't be spending money but i really really really hope the merch is good because erykah is one of my favorites of all time.

i just have to make it through the work day.

busy busy busy few days. erykah was incredible. really fun show. i wish more shows made you lock up your phone. work had been hell, but more on that later. what else has transpired? saturday i went with molly to see weapons in 4dx. an absolute blast. the movie was two hours but i barely noticed i was so enraptured. hanging out with molly was lovely too, she is truly an angel. one of the few people i would unequivocally deem a "good person" if such a thing exists. last night i went out with molly and evie after work for happy hour. i almost didn't because my social battery was dangerously thin, but i knew deep down i needed it.

before we hit happy hour though we had a drink at work and had a conversation with steve about the schedule and how things have been lately. he agrees with us which was so reassuring! he listened to us vent about the unfair workload, lack of adequate staffing, and the burnout all of us have been experiencing. he listened and agreed with us, and let us know he sees it and will advocate more for a change. we are still planning on pulling julie aside when she gets back and putting our foot down on more staffing. we're done being overworked. we also talked about more fair tip out percentages. that's going to be more of a battle. mostly just from keith, kerrick, rachel, and jess seeing as they only serve and make more than everybody. but it's not fair that the baristas make so little of the tip percentages. especially the second barista/busser who ends up serving for almost two hours every day when they cover sections. that's going to be a fight though, but i think molly, ian, evie, and i can form a coalition to advocate for a change.

i feel such a weight off my shoulders knowing that steve agrees and that change is coming. what a relief. turns out too keith and kerrick were blocking extra staffing because they didn't want tip outs to be shared further. to that i say, fuck off!! those two are two of the least supportive coworkers how dare they. i think it's time to undermine seniority to affect change. i'm feeling devious and like i can have a lot of fun with some social engineering/courtly intrigue. also, i just want to be less stressed!

i'm working five days again this week. i agreed to it last minute yesterday to make sure that there would be adequate staffing today. i sort of regret my decision seeing that i now can't help abby and emma with framing for the art show (i was supposed to go to the frame shop between 12 and 5) but hopefully that's okay. it's also just going to be exhausting, but i can manage. i got a good lift in today.

speaking of weightlifting i have been getting so much stronger over the past month since i've really been pushing myself. my bench has gone up from 5 sets at 130 to 5 sets at 155 in less than a month. shoulder press has gone from 5 sets at 90 to 5 sets at 110 in the same time frame. my hip thrust has gone from 165 to 245. my calf raises from 220 to 250. all this to say i realized that i was not pushing myself hard enough and holy shit i am way stronger than i thought. i'm still planning on starting a cut at the end of the month through september and october, but after that i think i'm going to bulk for november until i get up to 200. we'll see how i can do, my body image always gets squirrely the longer i bulk so who knows. but i think i could put a lot of muscle on if i play my cards right. i want to get my working bench up to 180 (two plates on each side of the iso machine) by the end of the year. i really think it's possible.

my morning routine has been so irregular the past few days. that's always when i blog, so it's thrown me off. i struggle to find time other than the morning before i start getting ready.

what have i been up to? i've got to rummage for the big thoughts, they'll come to me.

i had a dream about eating cereal so i bought some. i never let myself have it because i love it so much. i got cinnamon toast crunch as well as some magic spoon to feel some sort of balance. i've already had three bowls in the past 18 hours. it's fun to allow yourself treats. it feels luxurious and devious.

i went out with evie and allison wednesday night on a whim. evie and i had been playing bass (i taught her how to play cherry coloured funk) and allison was going to montana so i tagged along. it was a fun excursion. josiah popped by for a little bit. it was country night though so it was brutally breeder. that's okay, i left early and got a burrito on the way home.

wednesday was a miserable day at work. rachel ended up calling out so we were understaffed as usual. i just didn't have it in me to put in any effort at all, so i didn't. we all talked to julie though and told her we were burnt out and exhausted, and that generally the entire front of house is. jess is trying to push to oust kerrick as foh manager and to get salaried. i don't think it's a great idea, and as much as i love and adore jess it reads to me as a baldly self serving play. it wouldn't even really solve our problem, because if jess would behave in any way similar to how she did at life on mars, she would leave early any time possible. who knows. i can barely be moved to care anymore. i clock in and clock out and try to expend as little energy at work as possible. i refuse to give any meaningful part of myself anymore, i just don't care.

i have kept hinge, contrary to my commitment to delete it by sunday. i have a date with a blond bisexual man with glasses (no mustache sadly), i have an absolute type to the point of parody. i feel like i have a healthier relationship with it now though. i recognize when i am getting sucked in and when i am depending on it for dopamine and i know to reject it in those moments.

speaking of, i plan on forcing myself to steamworks tonight. i'm trying not to be anxious about it because i think it's what i need. my libido has been so annoyingly high lately and i just want it to shut up for a while. i have been thinking a lot lately about how much i wish i could excise any and all romantic and sexual desire from myself. in therapy i kind of went off in a way that surprised myself with it's intensity. mira pushed back and said it's a natural and vital part of humanity but i don't know if i truly believe that. the way i see it is this: if you're procreating then sure a sex drive serves an evolutionary purpose. but my proceational drive is thwarted by homosexuality, so why have any sex drive at all? if i'm not going to procreate (disgusting thank god i can't or rather won't) why have this annoying libido clouding my mind all the fucking time it's exhausting. i wish i could cut off and cauterize my drive for sex and romance, it all seems so pointless and like a black hole of energy and time. i know this is all a result of frustration and sublimation of failed desire but the sentiment and emotion is real. i fucking hate being horny all the time it's pointless, exhausting, and embarrassing. i wish i were asexual or able to throw myself easily into anonymous sex. i just can't. this would all be solved if i could just bring myself to have meaningless sex without trepidation and anxiety.

work today, then i'm off tomorrow. just one day, i can make it through. especially because i'm planning on napping the second i get home. gotta be rested for the bath house tonight.

recurring lines of thought as of late:

• social media as a driving force behind the construction of an expanding panopticon of surveillance. how we are increasingly anxious and aware of how we are percieved and the self surveillance that is a product of that anxiety. there is no safe place. personally even when alone there is a part of me detached and observing myself.
• authenticity policing. it seems to me that there is this constant decrying of performativity, which i do think happens and can be manipulative, but at the end of the day isn't everything performative? as a student of butler and her performance theory this trend of calling out performativity to me seems silly and myopic. or am i just afraid of being labelled as performative for things that actually bring me joy. or is it performative? can one really know if one is being performative or authentic? its a fruitless spiral. and why the high value placed on authenticity?
• the urge to post has been pulling me magnetically lately. i keep drafting a story post, usually maudlin, and then stop myself right before posting and delete it. why do i want to post? what purpose does it serve? how can i overcome the drive for simple validation. it's so silly.
• how can i distance myself from the zeitgeist and not either a) lose touch with the culture or b) develop a superiority complex that i can't control.

anyways, bath house visit was a roaring success. as some would say, i got my shit rocked. and thank god for that, i needed it. i sort of felt like the belle of the ball, the hottest there. i found the most success in finding an empty bed in an open space and just laying there in wait, as an invitation. and boy howdy did guys take the bait. (sorry any family reading this i'm trying to be vague as possible, but ultimately this is a journal for me) it felt like a revalation. i'm ready to throw myself into hookups. as evie has been saying, it's going to be a "freaker fall". i think i might go back to the bath house this wednesday seeing as i have the evening free and wednesdays are bear night.

since i was at the bath house until 1:30 friday night i ended up sleeping in. i had been ambitious and set an alarm to go to the gym at 6 but when it went off, i knew it wasn't going to happen. i needed the rest. and let's just say i got a workout the night before anyways. i slept in and dawdled through the morning until a little after noon. i called mom and wandered around the neighborhood. it was good to catch up. i've been feeling so guilty i haven't called and talked to her in close to two months. terrible. ended up talking our usual hour and a half. then i hit analog and read for a bit.

once i got home i saw that evie, molly, ian, emma, and falyn were all planning on going out later. i really didn't want to go, given i had been looking forward to a simple movie night and early bed time. but i succumbed to the invitation and took a three hour nap so that i could stay up late. i'm glad i went, it was good to be social. i had two drinks, laughed and entertained, then politely dipped early. early enough to do one of my favorite things to do: wander around the nightlife district alone on a weekend night with headphones and people watch. it's one of my simple pleasures i only get to do every once in a while given my usual grandpa bedtime.

anyways, work today then movie night with abby. ian is moving today and i offered to help if he still needed it after i get off but i'm dearly praying that it'll be all tied up by then.

i'm so exhausted. i completely shut down at work yesterday. i don't even try anymore really. i have nothing to give other than apathy at best, resentment and reactivity at worst. who gives a shit. it's work, i refuse to let it take more of my spirit than is the bare minimum. i just have to get through tomorrow then i have two days off. i feel a little childish, like i'm lashing out and throwing fits. is it reasonable? i'm not sure. it seems like the prevailing sentiment among all of us is burnout and exhaustion. do i have a right to be this sullen and resentful? i can't say for sure, but i feel realistically helpless to stop it. by the end of every shift i am struggling to be verbal in any capacity. i just shut down.

i hung out with abby last night to talk about the art show. it seems like it's mostly done, we just need some footage of the goat demon and footage of us playing in the practice space. i'm helping her carry frames from her apartment to the frame shop after work to lay everything out and figure out sizing for everything. i'm pretty sure emma and lola are going to be there too. we're doing this in lieu of practice. wednesday we probably won't have practice either because emma and lola and maybe abby are going to the horsegirl show. i may take the opportunity to hit bear night at the bath house lol.

god i feel so weary after yesterday. i'm dreading today. it's just always so fucking busy and there's no end in sight. the busy season never really ends. november is slower, but then december with the holidays is busier than ever. we get january and february then it's right back to busy non stop. i just want to work one shift where i'm not being driven to my absolute limit. is that too much to ask??

today is going to be a long one. i'm not doing terribly well at the moment. i am exhausted, anxious, apathetic, my skin is breaking out, i'm so stressed i'm picking at it, and to top it all off i either didn't set an alarm or slept through it so i missed the gym this morning. i almost started crying when i woke up at 5:18. it's times like these when i am extraordinarily stressed that the gym is so vital. or am i just so vain and image obsessed? i don't have the energy to squabble about it or punish myself with guilt if i decide that it's morally or philosophically wrong. i just want to be emotionally regulated, strong, and fuckable. is that too much to ask? i keep telling myself that it's just a bad few days, don't think about it. i was doing well until sunday. i just have to get through today.

i'm planning on rearranging my day so i can go to the gym around 9/10. i've been realizing how much i have been organizing my life around the gym. who cares. i keep having my usual reflex to agonize over my actions and feel guilty over percieved moral and/or philosophical failings, but this morning i'm just too tired. why do i do that to myself anyways? who gives a shit. why does it matter at all if my actions are perfectly philosophically motivated? they never will be and i'm probably deluding myself. why do i bury myself under guilt 24/7. what purpose does that serve? it's so silly. i should just shut the fuck up and calm down more. so what i prioritize the gym highly? why does everything i do merit scrutiny and investigation. i want to be hot, fit, and desirable. who doesn't. why all the hand wringing and justification?

phoning it in to work again today. i just can't be bothered. planning on having a video call with trystan later. my hopeful map for the day is this: work, grocery store, nap, video call trystan, gym, sleep. i think i can do it and get enough sleep in time to go to the gym early tomorrow too. i wish i didn't have to contend with peak hours. if i had a private gym all my scheduling problems would disappear.

yesterday was an okay day. missing the gym really threw me. i'm beginning to grow anxious about my dependence on the gym. not just for mental stability and mood, but for self worth and body image. i miss one day and suddenly every mirror is a fun house mirror and i'm the michelin man. it's a yo-yoing nightmare of vanity, and i desperately need to reign it in. i just want to not place so much weight on my body image. but i fear if i let go of caring i'll let myself go. i know it's one of those situations where the answer to the question is to dismiss the question. i would be happier and healthier if i weren't so body obsessed. and in small ways i am working on it. i've slowed down and shut out most body builing content that isn't focused on technique and form. and my social media usage is down, so i'm seeing fewer perfect bodies. someday i'll get there. hopefully i get ultra mega hot first, but it's a journey either way lol.

i think my highest desire as it pertains to the body is to not have to question the validity of my own body for once. to have ease of movement and existence. to not have to agonize and be mindful of angle, if my belly is sticking out, if my arms look strong enough, if i'm desirable. i want the sexurity of knowing. again, i know this is a question/drive to which the correct answer is to throw the whole question out the window. i'm just not ready to give it up yet. i'll leave that to my 30's.

i finally had a conversation with julie and put my foot down that we need a breaks shift every day. not just weekends, every single day. i think she finally recognizes that we're all fed up and on our last leg. she's bringing on more people. if she only brings on one more person i'm going to talk to her again.

had a video call with trystan that went for a few hours. it's always so lovely a reminder to click right back into familiarity when we catch up. he's truly a treasure to me and i miss him a lot.

i have a date with that guy noah in an hour or so. i'm looking forward to it. we're just getting coffee at analog. i have no idea what i want to wear. i'm going to be so cool and chill and normal and it's going to go however it's going to go.

i don't have very long to blog, i am so hungover lol. but let's see, what has happened the past two days?

date went really well, or i thought so at least. bisexual man with a beard and a philosophy degree? yes please. we talked a lot about big abstract stuff and it was fun. i worry i talked too much, but he seemed to enjoy it and i asked him a lot of big questions. he's out of town for the next week or so but i think we're going to hang out again once he's back. we'll see if he actually texts me back.

wednesday all i did after that was wander around and work on songwriting with abby, pretty decent day.

yesterday i slept in, hit the gym, and did laundry. took as long of a nap as possible then hit karaoke with molly and evie. we met lola and her friend murphy who's visiting from l.a.. karaoke was an absolute fucking ball. i did "strong feelings" by dry cleaning which was perfect. i've always wanted to do dry cleaning for karaoke. evie and i did "the one to wait" by ccfx. lola and murphy did "you got time i got money" by smerz. i did "le festin" by camille and it cleaned up even though i can't hit the highest notes, least of all when drunk. lola and i dueted "merry happy" by kate nash and if i do say so myself i think it was the highlight of the night. evie and i did "child psychology" by black box recorder. that was a blast mostly because singing "life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it" to a room full of strangers is hilarious to me. ended it with getting the whole gang to get up and do "homie don't shake" with me. even kay (who was hosting the karaoke night) came up and danced with us. i'm really happy i went.

but man am i facing consequences. i didn't get back home until 1:30 and had to set my alarm for 6. work is going to be a slog today but i'll make it through. after it i get to crash and nap. drag race at jerry's tonight, i think colton is going to be there too.

oooof i can feel in my body that i've been drinking too much this week. between last night, karaoke, ... actually it was just that. but two nights in a row with not much sleep in between. today at the gym was a little rough. my dream of benching two plates on each side by the end of the month seems quite far off now. i'd have to keep bulking until the end of september most likely. i don't think my self image and self worth can handle that, so that'll just have to be the goal of next bulk. i also fear i may be getting sick. recovery is taking longer than usual and that's always the first sign sickness is hurtling my way. let's hope my immune system is robust enough to side step it like last time. i still marvel at how that bug knocked everyone down quite brutally a few weeks ago and i was untouched even though i absolutely was exposed. feeling très santé.

work yesterday went smoothly, thank god. julie texted me yesterday that there's already one person hired and another on the way. i feel very heard that she went out of her way to let me know that relief is coming. she's a really good boss, i'm grateful for her.

last night was fun. finally saw ian and jerry's new place and its so nice! 90's chic interior design with an incredible view. colton is staying in their spare room right now. watched the first two episodes of drag race phillipines at their place then moseyed on to union. we only stayed there for a single quick round because ian had to show face at someone's going away. the union crowd is rancid. it's all the yuppie gays that stopped being political the second hodges v obergefell happened. we scurried up to pony (much better) and ended up having a few rounds there. i love the pony patio. i ended up dipping out around midnight and getting a burrito on the way home. i hardly remember eating it and crashing. a fun night though. a night i need to have more like if i am going to stay tapped into gay life.

nick passed by work shirtless clearly post workout and looked for me to say hi. i can never tell if he's into me or not. he is, unfortunately, devastatingly hot. if only he didn't bore me in conversation. if only he could bounce jokes with me. oh well. i doubt he's even into me anyways, i have asked him out before and he's so dodgy. i guess perks of looking like that.

i have to go to johnny's play in a few hours. at least it's not a musical this time. is it horrible to say that? i'm delighted and honored to be able to support him in his pursuit of the arts, and i will always do so enthusiastically but i reserve my right to privately kvetch about having to sit through high school drama productions. we all know they're unbearable right? or am i just a monster? i know all the kids are trying their best and that's admirable, but effort does not equal entertainment. oh well, one must endure for love and family.

so turns out the play last night actually was a musical. but shockingly: it was entertaining and well done. thank god. johnny did great. it's always such a joy to see how happy he is onstage. though i hae to say: i love and adore diana and brian and i owe them so much but by god they are balls of chaos and stress 90% of the time i don't know how they maintain. everything is an ordeal and something to be worried over. i know i can hardly speak on it but man i'm using it as a cautionary tale to slow down and worry less.

i've begun rewatching the good place and i forgot how much i adore this show. it's genius, the writing is sharp and hilarious, and the philosophy is explored in complex and entertaining ways. and it's much more edifying than watching youtube. i'm looking forward to getting through the whole thing these next few weeks.

not much has happened in the last 24 hours that i can think of. and i've not had much on my mind either. i had a frightening nightmare last night. a fun nightmare though, in it was a sort of horror film. it followed the spread of a contagious demonic possession. it was really fun. there were fantastical landscapes, thrilling escapes, close calls with possessed crazy people with bleeding eyes, and surprise murder with oversized hammers that i viewed as if through found footage. i can remember this one scene of the dream where me and the group i was with stopped by a grocery store to pick up supplies after escaping the initial outbreak. i slowly realized that the cashier was infected (signified by cloudy eyes, blindness, and a bleeding face) and she ended up turning and infecting everyone in the grocery store. it was a fun dream, if terrifying. there was one great part where a missing family was found in their home and presumed dead, only to come to possessed but blind. everyone had to escape without getting touched, had to be completely silent to avoid detection. it's rare that i remember my dreams, so this was a real treat.

i pray that work today is manageable. it's going to be near 90 degrees out, the peak of a heatwave. i hope that acts as a deterrent.

this heatwave can die in a pit i'm so done. i could hardly sleep last night, even with a/c. i hate trying to fall asleep in a pool of sweat, unable to get comfortable. the highs are in the 80's until the end of the week. summer, release your hold i beg you. your presence is to harsh and i cannot bear it.

all that to say today is going to be a slog. work, therapy, then band practice. all on (barely) four hours of fitful sleep. at least i had a good gym day today. my calf raises are up to 270! that's crazy 2 me. i haven't hit the ceiling with hip thrusts yet either. i did 230 today (5x10). i think i may be able to hit 270 (six plates) by the end of the year. i'm so proud of my body for growing so strong. and i know that i'm barely at an intermediate level. i've got a long way to go before i hit my limit.

had a family call with megen and the kiddos last night. it was good to catch up. nygel is about to get her associates!! and she's not even 18. her intelligence and drive blows me away. channing is doing well in dance (even though she won't stay off her foot enough for it to heal), and is still sticking to the accelerated stem school. i'm so proud of both of them. ammon mentioned that his favorite class this new semester is weightlifting. maybe if the future we can trade weightlifting tips lol. i didn't get much time to catch up with megen, though she did hold me to account about not actually taking a vacation. and i know she's not going to be thrilled to hear that i've made the decision to record Swamp Wife's debut album and then i'm leaving seattle. but at least that is now a tangible condition to be met. and at least it's finally a decision.

spent some time hanging out with abby. she's going through it, but she's making it okay. she's in the worst of it and she knows that. i hope i can be there for her more when she needs it these next weeks and months.

i've spent the morning listening to the new water from your eyes album trying to decide if i want to buy the cd and subsequently go see them when they're here in november. i can't decide quite yet.

pray for me that i make it through today without collapsing under the weight of my inability to adequately rest.

i don't know what's going on with my chest day right now but the last three have been awful. i hit my wall of my actual strength and i think the sharp stall in progress has been fucking with me. that's okay. i've got maybe two more chest days before the cut begins and then it's not a problem until november. i was thinking today that i'm going to enforce a mandatory rest day after three days in a row. that way i get more rest, i'm not so stressed, and i'm less likely to injure myself. if i'm really feeling in a way, i can go jogging or something. i need to incorporate cardio anyways. but that is next months problem.

therapy yesterday mostly focused on the leaving seattle decision, which i've made with an amended date. a compromise if you will. a compromise between the need to leave seattle and the need to nurture swamp wife as much as possible. i have decided that i am moving, but after swamp wife records our debut album. i project that to happen likely fall/winter '26 so it really only pushes back leaving perhaps 6-8 months maximum. but now that i've concretely made the decision i can start taking steps towards it.

god i have to tell the band. i may wait until abby is doing better. how do i approach that conversation? is it better to do it now or wait? will having that looming affect our writing. fuck fuck fuck.

i should talk to evie about it.

today i am making the maybe poor decision to check out zebra club for some retail therapy. i just want new pants. praying they have some carpenter dickies that fit like a glove. after that i'm getting dinner/drinks/chasing ac with leah and alex. it's going to be a good day. and no bed time!!!! i might just catch a late screening of honey don't!.

not much time to blog, channing asked me for advice on being an adult and i got carried away and wrote a whole novel. all stuff that i wish i had known when i had first moved out. i hope it wasn't too much. i worry about her sometimes. she's so ambitious and wants to set out on her own so bad, i just hope she's careful and not too head strong. her stubborness is such a strength but i worry that sometimes she can be too immovable. i'm sure she'll learn.

i woke up yesterday at 2:30 pm after staying up late to watch the good place. 12 hours, clearly i needed the rest, it was just a bummer to pretty much lose a day. that's okay i guess. or that's what i'm telling myself. today is day one of seven work days in a row. i was talking to abby last night on the way home from band practice and i really think i'm hitting my wall. i'm beginning to resent glo's. it robs me of so much energy and i just can't take it anymore. i feel so useless and sapped, unable to nurture my creativity and joy. all for what?? extra money that i'm too stressed to save or enjoy spending? fuck that. i need to go down to four days a week through the winter and keep it that way. as much as that scares me, the extra money isn't worth it. i need to get back to creating, i need to start more fully living. fuck work.

i had a little breakdown after watching lindsay ellis's new video about the war on empathy. she really hit on the fear and anxiety i'm feeling and articulated it very well. she used mr. rogers to illustrate a way forward, a way to exist and love. the video ended with a call to not give up even if it feels pointless, to maintain empathy and compassion, and with clips of mr. rogers affirming the audience. i broke down crying for a while. i've been denying myself how scared i am. how hopeless i feel about not just my future, but the future of the world. i don't know where to begin in rebuilding hope. sometimes i feel like hope is a self inflicted cruelty. but without it there's little joy in living. i just want to be held for a while. i want someone to hold me while i cry and brush my hair and just be there and cry with me. i want to feel a little less alone in my fear of the future. a beacon in the bleakness.

i'm really going to phone it in to work today. fuck work. and i'm running off four hours of sleep (my fault). at least i have nothing going on tonight, i can go grocery shopping after work, come home, and go to bed at like 6 pm. perfect.

yesterday was a rough one. i'm so checked out of work and i don't care who knows. i apologized for being a bad coworker to everyone and that's the most i had to offer. i had to hold back tears all day. i just feel so fucking miserable and resentful. i feel exploited and worn ragged. i'm avoiding julie because i don't know how to not tell her that i'm giving up for the time being. i just can't let work continue to take this much of my soul it's unacceptable.

since it's the last week of my bulk i went nuts at the grocery store and got a sleeve of pringles and cereal. i already cleared the pringles and have had two bowls. gotta get it in while i can, it's going to be an austere few months starting on the 7th. i decided to keep the bulk going until the 7th, so that the three day weekend i have the 3rd-6th can all be rest days and i can relax and recouperate and really recover from the past few weeks. that gives me two more chest days, and one more each of pull and leg days. i hit 195 for the first time in probably two years this morning which is exciting! hopefully i can get down below 180 by the end of october. that's the goal. then back up to 195 maybe even 200. that's future me's journey to figure out. right now i'm celebrating the victory and looking forward to the cut so my pants fit right again.

i played the bass for a bit last night. i really have to make an effort to have my guitar or bass in hand for at least some time every night. i have to hit the riff mines if i'm going to write anything good.

ian's birthday is tonight. i'm going to try to go for only a little bit. it starts at 7:30 but i'm going to be good and not show up until 8. i really need to only stay until 10 at the latest so i can get up for the gym tomorrow. it'll be good to have some drinks and let off steam.

lola put me onto a local band called glass egg that i've been listening to non-stop for the past two days. she's going to ask them to play our birthday show and i really really really hope they can i haven't listened to a local band like this since spiral xp.

god time to get ready for work. wish me luck, i just realized it's labor day weekend. i might walk out. i fucking hate how relentless it is all the time. i don't have the capacity.

spider in the bathroom this morning. now i feel anxious and afraid to move anything. what i wouldn't give to be able to spider proof my home. or for a deterrent that actually worked.

party last night was really fun. caught up with everyone, met a few new people, had some fun conversations. i may be a little hungover and struggling to piece together coherent thought enough to write. today is going to be interesting. i got home not too late, so i got a solid five hours of sleep. that's not nothing, no? i didn't get to take an actual full nap before the party because i forgot i was supposed to call and talk to my dad so i had to do that. it was good to catch up with him and hear how he's doing. he went vegan a last month apparently. good for him. we didn't get too long to talk so we're planning on calling again next week which i need to remember.

i have no updates and not a thought in my head, this is all i am capable of writing at the moment. wish my silly little brain luck today.