wow i missed two whole days. i regret missing the last day of march. i feel like as the months go on i can be more and more candid, as the likelihood of it being read diminishes. like who is going to read five pages into last month's blog? much less likely than someone stumbling onto the current month and reading the first few days. i guess caring about that makes this less effective as a journal. oh well, i enjoy the balance of the two purposes, blog vs journal.

sunday and monday were pretty miserable days if i'm being honest. the show on sunday was the culmination of my burnout and decline in mental health. sunday i barely made it through work, then had to immediately turn around and get to the gig. i was non verbal and sitting in a corner for almost three hours before we had to go on. i tried to avoid as many conversations as possible but it was inevitable. i hope no one thought i was rude. the times i did really struggle to be social i was upfront and blunt with not being well. the set went well, i played well. even though the amp settings were a bit too fuzzy and overdriven for my tastes. that was the least of my concern in the moment. the second the set finished i packed up and dipped. unfortunately Lola wanted to run her stuff over to the space and i ended up crying a little but in front of her. i guess it's not the worst thing, it was just awkward. i don't mind crying in front of people, just not over silly things. i went home and just cried for an hour and had a little moment to freak out then went to bed.

monday was a little better? went to the gym, worked. i honestly don't really remember much from the day. it was pretty easy and then i went home and spent the evening in bed resting. went to sleep at like 6 pm and slept until 4. i meant to wake up at 3 to hit the gym right at four, but i somehow turned off my alarms or slept through them?? it worked out, i rushed out the door to the gym and made it there by 4:20 and got a full push day in minus overhead tricep extensions. work tuesday was fucking grueling. we only had two servers and the r's were filled from 10:30 to 1:30. was losing my mind for a minute but that's okay. the tips will be good.

last night after work i took a quick nap then met up with ian from last year. first time i've seen him since my housewarming party last february (or was it january?). we went to barhouse and spent three hours just talking. we click conversationally a lot better than i remember. he's never not going through it though. turns out his beloved 11 year old cat has cancer. what a rough deal. i went in to the hang meaning to confess my crush on him, but just didn't find the right moment. i was also terrified that i wouldn't come across well. but he seemed to really enjoy the time, and wants to hang again. i did message him when i got home that i really enjoy spending time with him and want to do it again soon. i invited him the release show and offered to guest list him. i think he's going to come. i should just confess my crush, but how do i just say that?? how does one express desire in a not insane way? there's never a good moment. it's all so frustrating and confusing. it's all so silly and opaque.

i've been lounging and resting so much, i can hardly tell if it's good or not. in all honesty i do think i need it, i'm just dogshit at resting. the second i'm feeling better and have energy again my answer is to throw myself back into fifth gear and i jsut wear myself out again immediately. like a dog choking itself pulling at it's lead. someday i'll have to learn. but i think my two days off have been successfully restful. i didn't get all that i had planned to do done. far from it. but that's okay. i can do laundry monday night. or tuesday night? fuck i don't even know. i'm going to spend all day wednesday prepping for charlie to be here. i can do it then, it's fine. i did buy plane tickets to go to utah in may. not thrilled about it, but it's a way to get out of christmas. and i know channing will be thrilled that i'm going to her dance performance. and it's only two full days, two travel days. i can survive that. does visiting home ever get any easier? will there ever be a day i don't dread and resent it? and i have a good relationship with my family, how does anyone manage it?

i spent the better part of the afternoon pacing my kitchen and singing my favorite songs. i really need aldous harding to release her next album. it's been three years. whatever. singing really heals me. i know i don't have the best voice, but i don't really care. singing just does something positive to me mentally. like wandering around the apartment and just karaokeing along to a speaker is happiness to me. it's always devastating when i get sick and don't have my full range for a couple weeks. i'm kind of terrified i may get sick here soon. abby and evie are both sick. evie with confirmed covid. if i get it again within the span of a couple months i am burning the earth to fucking dust. i don't have time. i'm only just now finally at full vocal range after the beginning of march. if i get sick again and lose my ability to sing for a couple weeks i'll be so broken.

tonight i'm getting dinner with ivy, then hopefully i'll be able to get home and to bed before or around 8 so i can hit the gym tomorrow before work. i decided to go today and tomorrow so i can have saturday and sunday as rest days. that way i can have fun at drag race friday. then jerry and i are going to a drag show saturday night. it's going to be a good weekend. sunday i'm getting my haircut by alex, then getting a bev with emma. i'm kind of devastated: alex is stopping haircuts for friends bc her schedule is too busy. i'm really happy for her, she does way too much and deserves more free time. but now i have to find a new hair person and build a relationship with them. i'm really not looking forward to that. it's also absolutely going to be way more expensive.

i can feel a bug coming on and i'm fucking pissed. it better go easy on me. now is not the time to get sick. i definitely think it's best if i don't go to the drag show saturday night. i don't know. i'll have to see how i'm feeling. i am taking tomorrow and sunday as rest days. hopefully that'll be enough rest for my body to fight this thing off without much problem. i can just feel it in my throat, i feel it sapping my energy, i feel it burdening me. yesterday i walked over to ivy's and by the time i got there i felt like dog shit. work is going to be a lot today. i hope it's moderately slow.

hung out with ivy yesterday. was nice to see her. i feel bad i don't have more time for friendship with her, but i don't really have enough time for any of my friendships. i scheduled a hang with emma sunday night after my haircut only to be reminded by mary that it's her show at Drongo sunday night. i'm pretty sure i had mentioned that i would go and just fucking forgot. i feel so guilty, but also i really don't want to go. i was talking to ivy about it and she just plainly asked why do i feel like i have to go. i said guilt, obligation, etc. and she pointed out how silly it was. she's right. it made me think just how much i'm driven by guilt and perceived obligation. it's so deep rooted though i don't even know where to begin untangling it.

your love is all i know is out today! i'm really looking forward to feedback and hearing how it's received. i have a lot of faith in it, and as a little project i feel so proud of it. i really really really hope we get at least one write up on it. or god willing a review or two. i think i'd die. why do i value reviews so much? i blame being a life long avid pitchfork reader.

god i really have no will or drive today. all i've got is work and drag race, with hopefully a meaningful and restful nap in between. i really hope that i'll be able and up to the drag show saturday. i haven't been to a drag show in ages and if i really am starting in may it's time i start paying my dues to the scene.

came to the lovely realization last night that the drag show that i thought was tonight is actually wednesday i just stupidly assumed that it was saturday. this means i have nothing going on tonight!! should i do laundry? yes. am i going to? probably not. i have to call my dad because its been forever since we've caught up, but that's all i have to do after work. i'm looking forward to talking to dad. especially with everything going on in the news, i look forward to his perspective. he's too informed.

went to ian's last night for drag race. suzie toot got the suzie boot. i really love spending time with jerry, ian, cris, and heath. nick was there, but he seemed a little off. i didn't really get the chance to talk to him. though (and this is silly) i did make sure to sit in the most dude way possible all night. i've come to really enjoy masculine body language, especially looking how i look and dressing as i do. it's such a fun social performance i never thought i'd have access to in my life.

this may be a short entry. i haven't fully woken up and i don't know if i fully will today. i'll update later if anything of not happens or if i must relay a feeling.

yesterday was mercifully easy. work never got truly busy and died out completely after two. i really needed the easy day. i'm slowly starting to bounce back, but it's going to take so long. i think that' s the most frustrating part of burnout. it only takes a little bit to burnout, but it takes fucking weeks of careful consideration to get back to full. i've only just begun. oh well, i'll do it because i have to. what other choice do i have?

talked to dad yesterday. it was really nice to hear from him and get his advice. i got on a tangent about my worries about the band and my want to leave seattle, how the two drives are conflicting. how much i want to take the jump and move abroad but how terrified i am. i realized that i've not been studying my french because i'm afraid that if i do, i'm admitting i don't think the band will pan out and it will be the first step in giving up. but i also need to get ready in case. also also being fluent would just be a good fucking skill to have regardless. he said that i need to get rid of the fear, and not use it as a prohibiting motive. and he's right and i know that. i just needed to hear it. we talked about current events too. it sounds like he's doing pretty good at not being too involved with the news. i worry about him with that sometimes. he had a good perspective on all the tariff nonsense and set my mind at ease as much as it could be. he fucked up his rotator cuff a month ago and has to get an MRI friday. i need to schedule send a text to him asking how it went.

i was dreading work today because i thought it was going to be sunny. nope, rain all day and a high of 54. thank fuck. i've got a full day today, i don't need an insane sunday. after work i've got an hour to mosey downtown for my haircut. i might stop by zebra club and see if they have any cute pants. i shouldn't be spending the money since charlie and i are going shopping when she gets in thursday, but fuck it, let's be bad. then after that i'm hanging with emma. i should go to mary's show, but i really don't want to. i feel bad but whatever. i'd much rather hang with emma, it's a friendship i want to nurture more than my friendship with mary. maybe that's a terrible thing to say out loud, and i really hope she never reads this but it's true. i have so little time i really have to prioritize my relationships.

yesterday was a long annoying day, with a nice cherry on top at the end. work fucking sucked. i got to thinking about france vs the band as i was getting ready and got to work in the most morose pensive mood. terrible head space for a sunday. gave the worst customer service imaginable all day. lady came in with a dog, i did the whole "what service is it trained to do" thing and she freaked out. i didn't have the capacity to push the point so i dropped it. steve said something and i was like i'm sorry i am barely holding on today i can't and he understood. i went on break right after so i didn't see the lady sat. turns out she was sat and was so much of a nightmare that keith kicked her out. the line he used to do it will go down in legend. apparently he asked her "are you like this everywhere you go?" then didn't give her time to answer, took her and her husband's plates, and told them "i don't think we're going to be able to make you happy, you can leave." way to go keith. the rest of the shift passed without incident and honestly that lifted my spirits a little. though i started to get hip pain when i moved a certain way and it got worse throughout the day.

got off work and had 30 minutes to come home, eat a snack, then head back out to get my haircut. it's my last haircut with alex, sad. but i did ask her what to tell the next person and she helped me write a note which was kind of her. i had 45 minutes to kill until hanging with emma, so i ran home for a little bit. at this point my hip started hurting even worse, i felt it with every step. and it's in such an odd spot that i really have no idea how to stretch it. anyways, stopped at home for ten minutes then left again to meet emma. it was so lovely to see her and catch up. it's always such a treat. she's doing really well, which was perfect and lovely to hear.

i have a date tomorrow with someone from tinder. the only problem? he lives in sultan which is like 45-60 minutes out of the city. i don't know why i'm doing it. well no i do know. it's because he's hot and interested in me. and there's an opportunity for if it goes well and we really click to be a heartbreaking dramatic and short lived affair. we'll see how it goes.

i really hope work today is smooth and easy. i have no capacity for hardship or tribulation. after work is therapy (much needed) and then anna's show. but i decided last night that i don't want to go, so i'm not going to. love anna, but i just can't make it. and that's okay.

didn't go to the show last night even though jess really tried to convince me to. i'm glad i didn't because i realized today that i have almost every moment of every day from now until saturday evening accounted for. fuck me. i also realized that i'm not going to have time for gym while charlie is here really. unless i take a nap after work one or two of the days. i need to text her and see if she's okay doing nothing saturday night. i know her friend lives up here and she wanted to spend some time with her, i hope she can coordinate that to be for saturday lol. if i'm able to get to bed early saturday then nap before the drag show sunday i'll be able to hit the gym sunday and monday. then tuesday charlie flies out and i can go to the gym at night. what an insane week. on top of it all i just realized that i'm going to be in fucking portland for the drag race finale. on the brightside: jess and JT want to be back in seattle by noon on the 20th so i'll be able to hit jerry and ian's 4/20 party and i think emma is doing a birthday thing that night. will life always be such a whirlwind?

therapy last night was good and very much needed. talked about why i'm so motivated by guilt, the cyclicality of depression, and what it takes to heal burnout. we talked too about the band vs leaving seattle. i realized that i've achieved a lot of what i have set out to do and it's time to set new goals. only problem is: i don't know what i want those goals to be. where do i want to be five years from now? i have no idea. and how much of this is the burnout and depression talking? am i really so unsatisfied or am i just chemically imbalanced? i also opened up about how isolated and unseen i feel. i mean unseen in the intimate deep vulnerable human way. i wish i didn't have that need it's really inconvenient. i've been so interior the past few months, and i don't know how to steer myself out of it. normally it's just fine and i can thrive like that, but lately it's been weighing on me. i think i just need affection.

we have a third server today thank god. molly is in from 9-1 to cover breaks. i might see if she'd be okay with me being the one to leave early so i can do laundry, get a nap in, and do some cleaning before my date with dillon tonight. i'm going to need a nap regardless, it would just be nice if i could get everything done as well. i made the late decision last night to go to the gym this morning, but once i woke up and looked outside (pouring rain) i decided to forego. also because it would have been leg day. i did some core stuff at home and stretched but i'm just mad at myself for wasting sleep and gym time. now i'm just exhausted for nothing and have to go to the gym tomorrow. i was trying to do it this morning so if dillon winds up at my place tonight and by chance stays over i don't have to be up early but oh well. it will be a nice excuse to kick him out though if that does end up happening. i still don't know if i want it to happen or not. i guess we'll see.

date last night was perhaps one of the worst i've ever been on. so fucking boring. gemini room ended up being closed for maintenance so i suggested garage so we could play pool. having something to do for a date is good, right? i don't know if he was nervous or fucking what but he just would not talk. i am not exaggerating when i say this man did not ask a single question or engage conversation even fucking once. and every question i asked was met with a flat one line answer or the conversation quickly died out. it was fucking painful. and i am a chatty cathy, i can strike up conversation with anyone if i have a mind to. and believe me i tried. i was asking all the normal date questions and getting crickets. so boring and dissapointing. he must know it too because he hasn't tried to message me. fucking good. i would call him a clown but that would imply that he was entertaining in any way. how boring, how dull, what a let down.

i'm feeling really in the dumps today. i need to do laundry and i am dragging my feet so hard. i need to tidy the apartment before charlie gets here tomorrow and it all feels so onerous. at least my day freed up a little bit. jerry can't make the drag show tonight so i'm not going. hypothetically that means that i could do laundry after band practice. which i might do. i'm feeling so defeated by everything. that awful "what's the point?" feeling is bubbling up more and more and it's my worst enemy. i know the point, i know the reasons. it's all just getting so difficult to keep perspective in mind. my whimsy is wilting. my pep has popped. i'm losing faith in the point behind any of my goals. i am asking myself why none of this is enough for me right now, why must i reach towards grandeur? who am i to believe i deserve that? and do i really? i've always touted a simple and content life. i feel myself grasping for narrative in a way that i thought i had gotten over.

what's worse is i don't know whether to trust these doubts. is it chicken or the egg: am i feeling this way as a consequence of the life i've built, or are these feelings borne purely out of a cyclical chemical imbalance? i find it impossible to parse out. as a result i am wallowing in indecision and i find myself molding on the vine. i am simultaneously exhausted and isolated, but the answer to one is accelerant to the other. it grows tiresome untangling the knot in seemingly useless increments. i know that at sometime in the coming months i will look back and realize i have excavated myself. that i just have to patiently toil away one handful of dirt at a time. but the dirt is accumulating under my nails and i only want to not think about it all. nevertheless i will continue to gnaw at the knot little by little until i am loosened from the burden.

mostly i just don't want to do laundry.

i'm really not looking forward to having to perform excitement this weekend. i'm dreading the show tomorrow if i'm being honest. i was such a fucking wet blanket at practice last night and i just know i'm going to struggle at the show. and charlie is going to be there too, so there's extra pressure to perform excitement. i just don't care. i want to quit the band. and i know that's just depression talking, but man i just don't give a fuck about it right now. and there's so much to do, of which i am doing nothing, which piles on the guilt making me want to quit all the more. it's taking everything within me right now not to detonate my life. a very loud voice is screaming within me to quit the band, isolate myself, fuck myself over financially, stop lifting, bed rot, waste away. why is it that when i get depressed my drive turns towards self destruction? it's so boring and predictable. i feel so histrionic at the same time. i'm performing misery in public in such a way that is just pathetic. who am i fooling? even i don't know if it's sincere or attention seeking. either way it's fucking ridiculous.

i just don't care. i've given into apathy at this point. is it something i must feel through? don't know. too late either way, i'm firm in the grip now. i'm just so bitter all the time and it's fucking exhausting. what right do i have to expect anything better? if i want to move through the world as if i owe it nothing, i must also expect nothing in return. if i am to be a selfish person as i often like to be, i cannot expect selflessness on any other party's part. not another person, not the universe, not nothing. this is the bed i've made for myself and it's mine to claw myself out of. i've done it before and i'll do it again. i just want to check out from everything. i want everyone to know i don't care, and that's so silly to me. it's childish. why am i lashing out at everyone around me? i've not been meaningfully wronged by anyone or anything in the past year to genuinely deserve this apathetic bitterness that i find myself choking on. what is this all really concealing? or is it just a cyclical chemical imbalance that i am trying to ascribe meaning to?

i have to leave to pick charlie up from the airport in an hour. i really hope that performing being excited will trick me into joy. i've been in a bad mood for two weeks now and i don't fucking care. what am i saying? i don't care i don't care i don't care

what i hate the most is that the way i've been behaving the past few weeks feels so disgustingly masculine in a way i despise, yet i find myself acting out. maybe i have less power over myself than i would like to think. or i am far less considerate and harmless than i thought. what right do i have to let any of my shit affect anyone else? it's childish and embarrassing. it's all attention seeking histrionics that i have no right to pull. i just wish i could recede from all people in my life. i hate being a wet blanket, a burden.

surprisingly, charlie being here has made me feel better and more prepared for tonight. i think having to fake it really did make it. i'm not feeling anywhere near 100% but its better by far than yesterday. i was in a bad way yesterday. i keep telling myself the only way out is through, but i worry sometimes i give in and revel in the depression too easily. where is the line between listening to and respecting the emotion and not giving it power? i don't think i've found it. i just hope that i am able to keep the bravado and facade up as long as charlie is here.

i'm not 100% married to my outfit for tonight. charlie and i went shopping yesterday (i spent way too much money) and i got a cute fit, but i worry its way too retro drag. like full rockabilly nonsense. i can never tell when a little retro and vintage is just too much. i fear being mistaken for rockabilly, it's a subculture i do not respect but i fear my fashion has been straying dangerously close to it lately. i just want to dress hot and retro, why did fucking nerds have to ruin it? whatever, i can't think of anything else to wear that i haven't worn to a gig already.

very much looking forward to tomorrow after work. charlie is going to be out with her friend, so i can just come home, bed rot, and go to sleep at my grandpa bedtime. i wish i could be there now and skip the next 36 hours. i really need to work on my apathy towards the band, i can't let this fester at all. i don't even know where to begin in acknowledging it though. i'll have to remember to talk to mira about it next session.

also abby is the sweetest angel and left me flowers and a note by my door. it really lifted my spirits.

show went well, i was in a much better mood than i thought i would be. having charlie here has surprisingly been really helpful for my mental health. i didn't play the cleanest set in the world, but that's okay. the nature sounds didn't work which was annoying. but that's okay. charlie didn't really fulfill her duty to run the merch table but that's also okay lol. she did once i reminded her. the band made $950 which is stellar! very happy about that. that reminds me i need to update the ledger. okay i just updated it and its at $2015! the band is only 350 ish away from being out of the red. and once we get tapes in and records that will be so easy. i'm feeling a bit better about band stuff now. i think it was just a dark cloud passing. i still have the end of 2025 deadline lingering in the back of my mind however.

ian ended up coming to the gig! and we talked a bunch, he came up after the set and we talked while i was breaking down. i hope it's not wishful thinking, but i think he's into me too. i really really really hope so, because he's so handsome and smart. we're hopefully hanging out tuesday and playing guitar together and i think i want to finally confess my crush. for real this time. maybe tell him the reason i didn't play my best friday was because he was there and it made me nervous.

i went to the gym this morning which was a relief. i'm going to try and get a nap after work so i can go again tomorrow morning, but we'll see. i feel bad leaving charlie alone for most of her time here. but she can walk around the neighborhood and get some independent time. it's going to be beautiful weather and it'll be good for her.

i decided that monday i'm going to tell Julie i can't do saturday AND sunday hosting every weekend anymore. i can do one or the other, but doing both every weekend is seriously taking a toll on my mental health. i genuinely can't do it anymore, especially with summer ramping up, it's just becoming more and more apparent. i don't know how she'll take it, but i have to advocate for myself. and molly is a good host, she can take one. i know she won't love it, but oh well. doing both days every week is killing me.

took a few days off, it was hard to find the time to update while charlie was here. she just left yesterday and i'm really glad she came out it was a fun visit. i was so worried that it would exhaust me but this weekend i actually felt better than i have in the previous weeks. it was a lot to be going 24/7 but i had a rest day in saturday evening so it all balanced out. luckily tonight and tomorrow night i have very little to do. just practice tonight and then tomorrow evie is coming over to watch a bjork dvd she got. i'm really going to try to take it as easy as possible the next few weeks. i can't forget that i'm still recovering from burn out and that it will take longer than i think. if i start running again the second i feel better i'll just burst into flames again.

i skipped the gym today which i don't love. but i was up until 11 last night because ian was over. i didn't confess my crush yet again. i just don't know how!! how does one say something like that?? will i ever have the guts? it wouldn't really work out anyways. he lives in fremont and if i'm being honest i would not love having to commute all the way to fremont to hang out regularly. that's probably just an excuse i'm giving myself but oh well.

i by coincidence ran into that guy i've been texting, jacob, yesterday. i was walking home after getting a burrito and he was just hanging out in a hammock in cal anderson. we didn't talk long because i was in a pensive moment and honestly i didn't adapt to the situation well. i'm looking forward to our date on tuesday, he's really cute. and seems to have great taste in music.

i'm praying work today is easy. or at least manageable. i really really really don't want to have to deal with a busy day. i don't have it in me. let's fucking hope.

the next day